


What I Miss

by redshu



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: At the end of the day I just wanna say that I love Zhangjun, Eventual Smut, Just call this angst overload, M/M, Maybe it's angst maybe it's fluff maybe it's smut actually it's all 3, Zhangjun's love blooms like a flower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:36:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14603184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redshu/pseuds/redshu
Summary: Zhangjing starts to doubt his feelings for Yanjun. Yanjun accomodates him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Zhangjun XD  
> So this chapter is an intro to the rest of the story. As for the content I haven't planned the number of chapters, I'll just go with the flow and see where this story brings me to :)

It takes two hands to clap.

So does a relationship. 

It takes two people’s effort for it to work.

It does.

One year passed perfectly smooth, like how they wanted it to be.

Those shy glances they flash at each other. Those accidental touches that became intentional eventually. Morphing into cuddles, sweet kisses, how they would wake up beside each other, sheepish looks plastered on their faces when questioned about what had happened the night before.

That was how their relationship had been.

Zhangjing was his bright yellow sun that paved the road to his happiness; Yanjun was his knight with a shining yellow crown.

They could not do without each other. Both were really thankful that they got to chase their dreams together, from trainees to actual artistes. They barely lived away from each other, while not in the same apartment, at least it was on the same building, same floor.

Having said that, Yanjun was the one who visited Zhangjing’s apartment everyday without fail; such a familiar face there that Linong and Ziyi practically saw him as their roommate too.

Zhangjing on the other hand, only visited Yanjun’s apartment once in a while. On most instances, it was because of food, not Yanjun.

“Baby, you’re here to see me?” Yanjun mentions with a bright smile, his dimples showing how elated he was.

“No, I heard you guys ordered pizza. Do you have extra?” Yanjun furrows his eyebrows and points to the table.

“There.”

By the time he replies, Zhangjing has gotten his hands on the food, eating messily like a little kid. It ignites a smile from Yanjun and he needs to walk over with a tissue at hand to wipe off the excess ketchup on Zhangjing’s face.

Not before he plants a kiss on the guy’s plump lips.

“Don’t you think my lips taste better than the pizza?” 

And gets a slap on his shoulder with an adorable glare.

Being in the same group meant that they saw each other almost 24 hours a day, that is if Yanjun comes to find Zhangjing in the middle of the night.

That happened most of the time, unless one of them is caught up with individual promotional activities or just busy with some other stuff.

They swear they tried to keep their noise level down at night, but Ziyi has to play loud music and Linong has to make sure to sleep early to avoid listening to any inappropriate noises coming from that neighbouring room.

It was supposed to happen longer, that fluttery feeling Zhangjing felt whenever he saw Yanjun, which is basically most of his day.

But excitement and enthusiasm eventually became just familiarity and habit.

Yanjun appearing at his doorstep everyday was no longer anticipation, but a norm.

Those dimples that he used to poke because it was way too tempting became just comfort.

The nervousness when their lips first brushed against each other was not that special anymore.

Zhangjing was sure Yanjun had loved him to bits, using cold jokes to make him smile, tease him to make him angry in the most adorable way, showering him with hugs and kisses so he would feel loved everyday.

Zhangjing was sure he loved Yanjun with his entire heart, but he knows he was just trying his best to believe that. 

That love existed only in past tense. That was what Zhangjing refused to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this makes you look forward to the actual story, or at least pique your interest a little :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the story finally begins and I hope you guys enjoy it. My beautiful couple <3

August 24th.

 

August 24th is today.

 

Zhangjing’s eyes stay fixed on this date, the most prominent looking one in the whole month of his wall calendar.

 

Amidst just a white background with a neat handwriting of important information in black ink, the space on August 24th was one that looked like rainbows and unicorns.

 

There was a pink scribbling that looked awfully familiar to him.

 

_Baby, it’s my birthday today! Give me a kiss._

 

Beside it, a life sized lip print in red lipstick.

 

The curvature, the shape of the print, the pressure applied on the paper was just right, that image looked like that person was an expert in kissing, even with just a piece of paper.

 

The calendar space on that date was also not that huge.

 

Some distance away, there was a small picture drawn on another date with a huge yellow arrow pointing to August 24th.

 

Zhangjing reaches his hand over to touch the drawing.

 

A face with curly hair, labelled _‘Mr. Skinny’_.

 

A slimmer face pouting, wearing a crown, with the name of _‘Zhangjing’s king’_.

 

And a huge red heart between them.

 

Memories of that day started to flow in like a waterfall.

 

The day Yanjun had bought him a calendar because Zhangjing has mentioned the need to write down all the important dates.

 

He remembers complaining that the calendar was so plain looking, nothing as interesting as his life.

 

“Baby I’ll decorate your calendar like how I spice up your life.”

 

“What rubbish, this is my room, not yours. You’ve given it to me, this is my calendar now.”

 

“Whatever you say, I’ll still come here every day.”

 

Zhangjing had tried to push Yanjun away from his calendar, Yanjun holding a pink marker in his hand as he flipped to the month of August.

 

The taller guy was really an expert at angering his boyfriend, holding the calendar up high as he wrote down something.

 

No matter how Zhangjing tried to grab the calendar, he was just like a kid trying to snatch back his snack which had been stolen from a bully.

 

“ _There, the most important day of the year_.”

 

That was after Yanjun had pressed his lips onto the paper and stained the date in red.

 

“What do you think?” Yanjun had asked him, throwing an arm over Zhangjing and pulling him close.

 

He had stopped fidgeting as much in resistance and pouted his lips in anger.

 

“You messed up my calendar. But I would say, the lip print looks kind of... _nice_ ,” Zhangjing replies, his lips slowly curling up to a smile as he admired that beautiful print on that special date.

 

Yanjun’s flirty antics started to resurface again.

 

“Nice? Then I think the paper can share it with you.”

 

And he casually hooks the calendar onto the wall before cupping Zhangjing’s face and leaning over to kiss him.

 

Zhangjing remembers this moment, the blissful smile on his face as Yanjun’s lips slowly engulfed his, his tongue playfully pushing in and tickling the insides of his cheeks.

 

His heart was pumping fast with the adrenaline rush, he feels the warmth of those palms on his burning cheeks.

 

That fond memory of them cuddling thereafter, Yanjun complaining about the lack of space on the calendar, drawing their faces with a huge heart and a giant arrow pointing back to his birthday.

 

“What about mine?” Zhangjing questions, in Yanjun’s arms as he leaned his head on his shoulder.

 

Yanjun flips the calendar to the next page, points to September 19th and tells him to kiss the paper too.

 

“ _You’re crazy_ ,” Zhangjing replies, getting up from Yanjun’s shoulder and shoving him aside.

 

“See the influence I have on you? Now you’re saying my line,” Yanjun chuckles, seeing that adorable angry expression on Zhangjing’s face.

 

All these moments were supposed to make him look forward to today, where they can spend this special day together for the first time as a couple.

 

But these memories proved to be nothing but emptiness in his heart. He knows it is today, but it just doesn’t feel like how it should be.

 

That sour taste never left his mouth the moment he glanced at the calendar, and Zhangjing looks away immediately from the guilt that pains him in the stomach.

 

He finds himself watching at the sleeping frame of Yanjun, faced away from him with a big bright smile on his face like he was already anticipating this day.

 

That kept him in a daze, he feels bad for everything he was feeling. He doesn’t know why he was feeling this way. Yanjun loves him, he knows, and the only person he had loved was Yanjun too, so why did he have a change of heart?

 

As he ponders over his thoughts in his state of confusion, he hears the faint call of his name from beside him.

 

“Baby? _Baby_? Zhangjing?” He almost didn’t hear this at all.

 

“You You You You Zhangjing!” Zhangjing finally jolts in shock upon hearing his name screamed into his ear, turning his head by reflex towards the source of the sound with a wince on his countenance.

 

He feels a pair of arms wrapped around his waist, as he falls backwards and lands on Yanjun’s lap.

 

At first thought, he realises that wishing him a happy birthday would be the right thing to do.

 

But he opens his mouth a second too late.

 

“Give me my birthday kiss,” Yanjun requests with a heartwarming smile, a hand grasping Zhangjing’s chin and pulls him close.

 

Their lips touch with a soft kiss, sweet and joyful and cheery like it should be for a birthday celebration.

 

That was what Yanjun felt upon receiving his birthday kiss.

 

But for Zhangjing, it was just disguising his feelings with a smile.

 

“I love you, baby,” Yanjun says when they pull away, a thumb brushing over Zhanjing’s lips and the older guy smiles back.

 

“Mhm,” he replies, and nods, and smiles again, but not actually spelling out those three words.

 

It was just too difficult for him to tell the truth.

 

//

 

The party was held at not Zhangjing’s, not Yanjun’s, but the biggest dorm amongst all; the one shared by XiaoGui, Justin and ChengCheng.

 

The younger guys were all wearing garish party hats, sticking streamers and blowing balloons all over the apartment. The older guys were preparing food, mostly microwaved food though because none of them actually knew how to whip up a proper dish.

 

Yanjun was helping the older guys decorate the food, squeezing a variety of sauces onto the bowl of salad.

 

Zhangjing on the other hand, was just in a daze.

 

Staring into space, his hands holding on to a metal tray with freshly prepared nuggets in heart shaped forms, bought by resourceful Linong.

 

It took three nudges on his shoulder before his mind finally came back to this world.

 

“Baby, are you okay?” Yanjun asks with a concerned expression. His smile was broken when he saw a worried looking Zhangjing looking uncomfortable and dazed.

 

Yanjun’s worry was not just for today.

 

Recently, Zhangjing seemed to be out of sorts. Frequently daydreaming, he was less chatty, less cheerful, and was spotted frowning for unknown reasons.

 

At first, Yanjun had just brushed it off thinking that he was just tired from their busy schedules.

 

But even these few days after their album promotional period had ended, Zhangjing’s condition didn’t seem to be improving.

 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he replies, walking to the table with the tray.

 

His voice was wavering, with some hesitation in his words.

 

_No, I’m not fine Yanjun. But I’ll try to be fine, I can’t let you question more._

 

Zhangjing tried his best to flash a smile and was thankful he was flashed a smile back.

 

“Go and rest on the sofa. We can settle the kitchen here,” Yanjun mentions, pressing a kiss on his forehead before sending him away.

 

Walking with heavy steps, he sits in the living room to watch television.

 

But if you did ask him, he had no idea what was playing on the channel.

 

His mind was not there at all.

 

//

 

“Bro, isn’t that your favourite nasi lemak?” Ziyi plops down onto the sofa beside him, pointing to the screen with a huge close up of his favourite dish.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Bro are you okay? Why do you seem so sad? Usually you would be talking non stop about how delicious this food is, and not such sitting here watching it by yourself.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Ziyi decides not to question him further. He knows that something is not right.

 

“Bro, is Zhangjing okay?” He directs his question at Yanjun instead, who kept stealing worried glances on the guy in front of the television, making a mess of the salad he was preparing.

 

“I know, I’ll ask him later,” Yanjun replied with a mumble. A bitter smile on his face.

 

//

 

With all the members feeling high and cheery for the celebration, there was no way Yanjun and Zhangjing’s spirits were not lifted up by the rest of them.

 

Thankful their friends, the happy mood had engulfed them and they forgot about their worries temporarily.

 

ChengCheng and Justin sharing a trash bag and doing a weird rubbish dance to make everyone laugh. XiaoGui and Ziyi doing a rap on how much they appreciate Yanjun, with Linong trying to belt out high notes and cracking his voice accidentally, causing everyone to burst out in laughter.

 

Then, it was Xukun’s and Zhengting’s turn.

 

Hand in hand, they looked at each other shyly and giggled before heading to the centre of the hall.

 

“We’ll be reenacting the best moments of Zhangjun,” Xukun announced.

 

That sentence drew huge cheers from the crowd of guys, and Zhangjing saw that Yanjun was smiling from ear to ear.

 

“What do you say, _baby_?” Zhengting throws a look in Xukun’s direction, fingers poking his own cheeks to recreate Yanjun’s dimples.

 

“Stop your nonsense,” Xukun replies, a hint of anger in his voice as he hits his fist on Zhengting’s shoulder, eyes glaring at him while biting his lip.

 

That very look made the whole crowd break into laughter, because Xukun was a terrible copycat of Zhangjing.

 

They continued to act out exaggerated funny scenes of the couple they remember seeing, like when Zhangjing locked Yanjun out of his room one day when he took his cold jokes too far. They ended up having a crossfire across the door.

 

Another instance when Yanjun took all seven shots of alcohol for Zhangjing when he kept getting picked in Kings. Zhangjing ended up being the one nursing Yanjun from his hangover the next day.

 

Of course, they would not forget the most ridiculous scene of how Yanjun confessed to Zhangjing.

 

“Ziyi, go to Zhangjing at 12am later and tell him that Yanjun loves him.”

 

_Why can’t you tell him that yourself?_

 

“XiaoGui, help me tell Zhangjing at 12am that there’s a really handsome lad with dimples that loves him.”

 

_Childish._

 

“Zhengting please help I love you so much please help me tell Zhangjing at 12am that I love him too. Oh, and please don’t add in the part that I love you.”

 

He rolls his eyes.

 

Yanjun basically approached every one of them, and gets a “Lin Yanjun, do the confession yourself!” reply from them.

 

But being all good brothers to them, the nine of them had turned up outside Zhangjing’s room exactly at 12am, with Yanjun nowhere to be found.

 

“You Zhangjing, Lin Yanjun loves you, you hear that? He made all of us come here to say that,” Justin shouts in annoyance, banging his fist against the door, representing everyone’s feelings at that point in time.

 

And they scoot away soon after, whispering in a hushed tone when he sees a guy carrying a huge plate of what seems like homemade nasi lemak to the front of Zhangjing’s door.

 

“You Zhangjing, you heard what the guys said right?” he asks in an expectant voice, hoping for a favourable reply.

 

There was complete silence.

 

“You know I can’t cook but I tried to make nasi lemak for you, do you want to come out and try it?” he tries to use food to lure the foodie lover out.

 

He did not receive a reply.

 

“I don’t know if it’ll taste nice but at least, give me some face okay? The other guys are watching,” he tries banging his knuckles on the door again.

 

“You Zhangjing?!”

 

In actual fact, Zhangjing was standing behind the door, covering his mouth to stifle his giggles.

 

“You Zhangjing oh my god are you dead? I’ll come in!”

 

He flung the door open, one hand holding that huge plate of nasi lemak, the other hand holding the doorknob.

 

His eyebrows knitted upon seeing that Zhangjing was nowhere to be found.

 

He almost shouted his name again but Zhangjing hopped out from behind the door and grabbed onto his waist, hugging him tightly.

 

That was not before Yanjun shouted a ‘fuck’ from the shock that almost made him drop that whole plate of rice.

 

“ _Feed me, Lin Yanjun_ ,” Xukun’s arms were tightly wrapped around Zhengting’s waist, whispering loudly into Zhengting’s ear that made Zhangjing snap back into reality as the two guys ended their skit.

 

Yes, that was how it was. He remembers, all these precious moments they had spent with the initial anticipation for what the future would hold.

 

As he watches that new couple Xukun and Zhengting full of smiles before they lean in for a kiss they could call their own, Zhangjing feels bitter about the unusual apprehension he feels.

 

He was happy for the two guys had gotten together, and understands why his group mates were so enthusiastic about his relationship with Yanjun.

 

Yet at the same time, he feels uncomfortable. That wonderful, blissful feeling of the heart bursting with so much love to give and show was what he had missed the most.

 

Why couldn’t time turn back to the start of their relationship? He missed the jittery feeling whenever Yanjun leaned over to kiss him, he wished the joy of being teased would return, instead of throwing him into a pit of familiarity; when Yanjun jokes, just laugh it off with a smile.

 

_I don’t want to just smile. I want the meaning behind that smile._

 

“Baby, what do you have for me?” Yanjun asks, an expectant look on his face as he ruffles Zhangjing’s hair.

 

That doe eyed boy looked back at him, seemingly a little lost.

 

He had prepared something for Yanjun, but it was just not spectacular enough to meet his expectations.

 

He sees the huge smile on Yanjun’s face as feels guilty that as his boyfriend, he felt like he wasn’t good enough.

 

Looking down, he mumbles a ‘ _sorry_ ’ before looking up to watch the confused face of Lin Yanjun.

 

It was as if his boyfriend wanted to say “ _you forgot to prepare anything for my birthday?_ ” but swallowed his words and covered it up with a smile.

 

“It’s okay,” Yanjun says with a comforting gaze, his dimples showing as he smiles and kisses Zhangjing’s cheek, “you’re all I need.”

 

The guilt tripping just got worse. Yanjun was so loving, so accommodating but yet he treated Yanjun this way...

 

Zhangjing wanted to slap himself for being mean. He wanted to ask himself to stop being selfish and let the days pass by happily while he spends time with Yanjun. He wanted to just go back to the state where he could actually feel the love in the air and coats him with a hug.

 

But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t get into the mood.

 

But at least, the minimal he could do was the get his boyfriend a present.

 

Zhangjing reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box with a velvety texture, immediately receiving a positive response from Yanjun from the way he smiles widely till his teeth are showing.

 

“Baby, you’re the best!” He exclaims, opening the box cautiously as he regularly looked into Zhangjing’s eyes, trying to show him how thankful he was to have him there.

 

It was a pair of earrings.

 

Just simple, ring earrings.

 

“Does it have a carving with your name and mine?” Yanjun asks jokingly as he pulled out the earrings to inspect them.

 

Well, that idea came to his mind because just a pair of earrings with the exact same design as all the other pairs did not seem much more special than what he already had. He hoped for something unique to remember this special gift.

 

Moreover, it was really meant as a joke, but the words infiltrated Zhangjing’s brain to make it seem like he had done something wrong.

 

Zhangjing’s mouth was slightly agape, unsure of how to reply. He reflected on those words and wanted to slap himself in the face. What kind of boyfriend was he? How could he not even make this day more special than what his friends could give him?

 

“I’m sorry...,” he says yet again, and Yanjun shakes his head before leaning in to give him a peck on the lips.

 

“Don’t worry, I love every gift that you have for me. You’re all I need, you’re more important than anything else.”

 

Yeah, that’s precisely why I feel even more guilty. You constantly tell me that you love me, show me that I can have all the love in this world, highlight my importance in your life, yet I am doubting my feelings for you.

 

Hoping for a more exciting ending, Justin cues them to move on to something more than just gift giving.

 

“How about we get Zhangjing to sing for us?!” he points at him, then headed to his room to grab the speaker and proceeds to connect it to his phone.

 

_Yeah. It shouldn’t be too difficult, right? This is my forte anyway._

 

After a medley of disco sounding music that Zhangjing himself couldn’t take it, he asked for more mellow songs.

 

For some reason, Justin was not clever enough to figure out what was going on, and chose this songs out of his entire playlist.

 

‘What I miss’ by Stefanie Sun.

 

He wanted to escape from singing this particular song, but with the rest of them cheering him on, there was no way he could avoid this.

 

He could only hope that the lyrics wouldn’t pain him like what he remembers, but with his memory as clear as a bell, he knows exactly what kind of emotion it carries.

 

As he starts singing, the lyrics only drown him greater in guilt and uneasiness.

 

想问为什么 (I wanted to question)

我不再是你的快乐 (Am I not your joy anymore?)

 

Yanjun comes to mind, in a state of loss, of confusion, the moment he breathes a word about this horrible foreign feeling that had engulfed him all these while.

 

真相太赤裸裸 (The truth is too raw)

狼狈比失去难受 (Loss is more unbearable than distress)

 

He knows, that’s why he chooses to cover it all up. Pretending, smiling, just so that Yanjun wouldn’t notice anything. But it was way too tiring. He wished, he really wished, that it wasn’t like this.

 

我怀念的是无话不说 (What I missed was being able to share anything)

我怀念的是一起作梦 (What I missed was creating dreams together)

 

If only, time would go back to how it was, his feelings could go back to how it should have been. There were so many things they could do together, because Yanjun was his best buddy.

 

我记得那年生日 (I remembered that birthday)

也记得那一首歌 (And remembered that song)

 

It hits a nerve. _Why does it have to be this song? Why now?_

 

最紧的右手 (Our tightly held hands)

最暖的胸口 (The warm fuzziness in my heart)

 

_I wish, all these could come back._

 

谁忘了 (Who had forgotten)

 

_I’m sorry, Yanjun._

 

Zhangjing’s hands were clenched into fists, his body trembling uncontrollably as he could not fix his gaze on anywhere proper.

 

By then, he could no longer continue singing. Too overwhelmed by his feelings. Too relatable lyrics. Too guilty to face _him_.

 

So he utters an “I’m sorry” before leaving the apartment in a rush, shutting the door behind him.

 

Everyone in the room looked at him in shock and concern.

 

Yanjun immediately got up to chase after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really had to add the Chinese lyrics in because the translated lyrics doesn't hold as much emotion as the original lyrics. The translated lyrics are just a rough translation only.
> 
> Thank you everyone who have been leaving comments on any of my stories, I do appreciate all the comments and will reply to them soon! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys sorry for the long wait, I'll most likely update one chapter per week because I would like to spend my time on other things as well, including other stories I may write along the way. I've planned for about 6 chapters in total, do keep a lookout for it! :)

There was nowhere else Zhangjing would have been other than here.

 

Yanjun notes, spotting him sitting along the bench in that park, his head hung low.

 

He sighs and walks over, footsteps heavy. Zhangjing must have noticed him heading towards him from the way he raised his head a little before dipping his head again.

 

“Hi,” Yanjun says as he takes a seat, leaving a small gap between himself and Zhangjing. He guessed that Zhangjing needed that space.

 

“Hi,” he replies, lifting his head to make brief eye contact before looking away.

 

The night was silent other than the continuous chirping of crickets on the trees.

 

It was a park was located on top of the hill overlooking the city. Quiet enough to give them space to rest, without distraction from any others. As it only served the few people living in their area, it would usually be empty.

 

That was why it was a prime location. The spectacular view of the bright city lights, minus the unwanted noise. With enough privacy to date without being a public nuisance.

 

Just that today, it was not exactly a date.

 

Zhangjing came here to sort out his thoughts. He got right here just so he could escape from the stuffy feeling in his chest from feeling guilty towards Yanjun, but yet, he seeks too much comfort and ease with Yanjun.

 

_How is this place even considered an escape?_

 

It just floods his mind with more memories, how they hold on to each other’s hands tightly and stroll in the park, how Yanjun’s smile was so bright his dimples were showing, how Zhangjing felt like the most blessed person in the whole world because Yanjun was by his side.

 

Zhangjing feels warmth crawling to the back of his hand, grabbing it tightly with assurance. The familiarity of the touch, the texture just as he knows.

 

Yanjun was still by his side.

 

He looks up, Yanjun with reassuring eyes watching his own wavering, unsure ones.

 

“Baby, are you really okay?” he asks, his grip tightening on Zhangjing’s hand before interlocking fingers with him.

 

“You don’t seem alright these days.” The darkness of the night made it difficult for Zhangjing to decipher Yanjun’s expression, but from his tone, it was full of worry, as if he was sending Zhangjing to war.

 

_Precisely, I know._

 

Zhangjing smiles back in the darkness. Silently.

 

_Maybe, Yanjun knows. Maybe, he doesn’t._

 

Yanjun pulls Zhangjing in for a tight hug, his fingers on one hand still interlocked with his, the other holding his back and patting him softly.

 

“Just tell me if there’s anything, okay?” he asks. He doesn’t drop that worried tone of voice, just like how he would never drop Zhangjing.

 

Zhangjing nods lightly, chin gently moving against those warm shoulders.

 

//

 

The walk back was sweet.

 

He, holding Zhangjing’s hands so tightly as if his boyfriend was going to fall off the edge of the cliff.

 

He, wearing the extra coat Yanjun brought out to protect him from the chill of the night.

 

He, skipping with light steps to bring up the solemn mood.

 

He, following suit, because all he wished for now was for Yanjun to remain happy as he is.

 

//

 

Everyday routine doesn’t change.

 

Zhangjing showering in his apartment, taking a grand total of 10 minutes to do so. Linong smiles at him to show his appreciation for being fast before heading in.

 

His boyfriend in his apartment, showering oh so quickly for 1 hour and 45 minutes. His apartment mates Zhengting and Xukun exclaiming in surprise that he completed his shower a whole 15 minutes faster than usual.

 

“To give Zhangjing a surprise tonight. Goodnight,” Yanjun says with a cheeky smile before walking over to the apartment next door. The new lovebirds left alone in with that whole place for themselves.

 

The door to Zhangjing’s room flings open a whole 15minutes earlier than expected.

 

Zhangjing, comfortably sitting at the side of his bed still scrolling through Weibo on his phone, surprised from seeing Yanjun at the door.

 

“Oh? Someone’s early today,” he announces, the way he smiles showing his cute little teeth.

 

Maybe habits do change sometimes.

 

“Baby put away your phone,” Yanjun requests, his hand reaching to shut the door.

 

With that serious expression on Yanjun’s face, Zhangjing could only raise an eyebrow at him, unsure of what to expect.

 

“Okay...,” he replies, doing exactly what he was told.

 

The click of the door lock.

 

The shuffling of feet on the floor.

 

_The sound of deep, wet kisses._

 

Zhangjing is pressed against the wall, Yanjun’s arms cupping his cheeks and showering him with kisses, over and over, right on his lips.

 

Zhangjing’s hands holding on to Yanjun’s waist to steady himself.

 

Like how they always did. Deep, sensual kissing. Pushing and pulling of their tongues. Swiping and licking and tasting and hiding. And finding its way to each other’s yet again.

 

And Yanjun moves on from there. Shifting away from the lips. To his jaw, kissing along its contour, pressing against the bone, and it moves lower, to the sensitive spots on his neck.

 

Soft meowing sounds that followed his every kiss only encouraged him to continue to tickle his neck with his lips, as his boyfriend’s grip on the clothing by the side of his waist tightens.

 

Yeah, this was the direction Yanjun wanted them to head to.

 

A hand finds its way to Zhangjing’s stomach under his shirt, rubbing over his belly button before dangerously heading downwards.

 

He pushes towards Zhangjing again, despite being in such a close proximity to his boyfriend, with Zhangjing literally squashed between him and the wall, he did that purely to make a statement.

 

A change of course.

 

_I can’t wait any longer._

 

His fingers gingerly tracing the rim of his trousers, his tongue taking in more than it should with every kiss.

 

_Please, don’t lose this. Don’t let us lose this._

 

He fixes his mouth on Zhangjing’s and pulls him in for a kiss, maybe even considered forced, because Yanjun refuses to listen to anything that Zhangjing might say about this.

 

He hopes and prays and begs and forces, his heart clenched tightly in fear, his mind in a swirl.

 

His hands dipping under those trousers and touching him there, hoping that it would change anything. He pressing his lower body closer, just so as to send the message, _hey baby, I’m ready._

 

But what he gets, all he could say is, he had tried his best.

 

Through those mouthful of exchanging kisses, he could feel Zhangjing wriggling his way out. His hands tightly grabbing onto his wrist.

 

_I really wished we could continue._

 

**_But, I hope we can stop._ **

 

That was the answer he got the moment he chose to give up, not forcing his energy anymore. Zhangjing in comparison was the stronger one now, managed to push Yanjun away lightly, just so he could have this space between them. Breathing space.

 

“Yanjun...I’m...I’m sorry,” Zhangjing utters, his head hung with guilt, eyes hiding from Yanjun’s because he knows that he’s in the wrong.

 

His hands still tightly clenched onto Yanjun’s wrist, as if Yanjun was the one who was doing something wrong here. The moment he noticed, he quickly let go.

 

“Yeah...,” Yanjun replies. Desolation in his voice as if he had just given up on the world.

 

He doesn’t reply I’m okay. He was far from okay.

 

Without looking at Zhangjing straight in the eye, he lightly pats his head before heading towards the door.

 

“I’m coming back later, leave me some space. Get some rest, yeah,” he tried to sound reassuring. It only made Zhangjing feel more guilty, and made himself feel better, perhaps by just a bit.

 

_Maybe if they had made eye contact, they would have seen the glisten of each other’s eyes reflecting the anguish they felt, because of each other._

 

//

 

Zhangjing wants to toss and turn, but he can’t.

 

It has been quite a long since that they have been lying in bed, Zhangjing guesses it’s about an hour.

 

The lights are off, the room is pitch dark, the only thing he hears is the sound of the air conditioning blowing against his face.

 

He is comfortable under the blanket, in Yanjun’s arms, but he just can’t fall asleep.

 

Millions of thoughts going through his brain. He worries, he scolds, he slaps himself. There were so many things he had wanted to ask Yanjun.

 

_Why did you ever come to love me? Why couldn’t you see this day coming? Why couldn’t you protect yourself, from someone toxic and bad like me?_

 

There were another billion that he questioned himself.

 

_How could I do this? Why can I feel like this? When can I tell you? How will you react? How can I not hurt you? I don’t wish to hurt you._

 

There were a million voices screaming in his head, exchanging opinions in a method scarier than anything from how it was amplified by the silence in the room.

 

Not moving his body was uncomfortable, but keeping all his thoughts to himself felt worse.

 

Unexpectedly, he feels the warm arms hugging him a little tighter than before, and he guesses that Yanjun couldn’t fall asleep too.

 

From all the things that he did lately, there was an obvious reason why.

 

He feels sorry, he wants to say I’m sorry, but the words got caught in his tongue from how he was stunned by the familiar humming against his ear.

 

A rhythm of pats on his hand, he knows this perfectly well.

 

我怀念的是无话不说 (What I missed was being able to share anything)

我怀念的是一起作梦 (What I missed was creating dreams together)

 

The night continues, the humming goes on, but Zhangjing still couldn’t fall asleep.

 

//

 

The saying goes, ‘the way to a man’s heart is his stomach’. Zhangjing knows this perfectly well from how he was being so well fed by his boyfriend despite trying to fight back with an excuse of watching his weight.

 

“People are calling me fat lately,” Zhangjing proclaims, staring at the food cooking in the _HaiDiLao_ hotpot, lots of meat waving at him while he just folds his arms.

 

“Who said that? I feel like punching that person right now,” Yanjun replies, picking up the cooked meat from the soup using his chopsticks.

 

“Me,” Zhangjing says, looking at Yanjun to check on his understanding of his words, “I feel fat lately.”

 

Yanjun replies with a chuckle before holding the meat in front of his face.

 

“Say ahhh.”

 

Zhangjing shakes his head. _My diet, my diet, my diet!_

 

“The meat is waving to you now, see.”

 

He, shaking the chopsticks so the meat moves along with the action.

 

He, changing that action to pushing the chopsticks towards Zhangjing’s mouth.

 

“I can see the meat waving to me, all thanks to you bringing me here,” Zhangjing complains, taking a mouthful of that meat before giving Yanjun a death stare, “I’m supposed to be on a diet.”

 

Yanjun laughs as he continues to take a second piece of meat and holds it in front of Zhangjing again.

 

“One is enough,” he says, refusing the piece of meat.

 

“One is never enough,” Yanjun announces, pushing the meat to Zhangjing’s mouth and he opens his mouth instinctively.

 

“Fine.”

 

He spots Yanjun reaching for a third piece of meat before he replies, eyes almost bulging out from the sockets from how agitated he was.

 

“No third piece,” he says, waving a finger in front of Yanjun.

 

“What to do,” Yanjun shrugs his shoulders, “my love for you is never enough.”

 

It hits a nerve.

 

Those thoughts he should never have harboured came haunting him again.

 

His bit onto his lips as Yanjun offers the third piece of meat with a wide smile, his dimples shining with happiness from within.

 

His mouth opens to take the meat, and he chews on it slowly while grabbing onto a set of his own chopsticks.

 

“I’ll feed myself,” he replies, digging the soup for more food as Yanjun nods by his side.

 

At least it appeases him now.

 

The juicy, delicious meat nowhere sufficient to ease the uncomfortable thoughts creeping into his brain.

 

He grabs more meat and keeps silent, only putting more and more food into his mouth.

 

Yanjun smiles by his side, following him eating more and more.

 

At least, all the mistakes could all be disguised as his love for food.

 

Maybe, just as he thought, his love for Yanjun was just not enough.

 

//

 

Dinner was a simple one, with their other groupmates.

 

Nothing pretty special happened, just that Xukun and Zhengting were just feeding each other back and forth that Yanjun felt compelled to follow suit.

 

That was what they were used to, Yanjun always feeding Zhangjing and Zhangjing just eating.

 

The only thing was the tension in the air.

 

As usual, Zhangjing and Yanjun got teased about their relationship, how they are so sweet towards each other and Xukun and Zhengting should learn from them.

 

But this time round, Yanjun was no longer his chirpy self, trying to tell them more anecdotes of their cute moments together.

 

He just sat there quietly, together with Zhangjing, smiling like everything was normal.

 

Zhangjing has a hunch, but brushed it off. The truth is scary, they both know, so they keep quiet.

 

//

 

The walk in the park after their meal was what Zhangjing had always looked forward to. His hand tightly interlocked with Yanjun, them smiling at each other and knowing that they were the sunshine to each other’s lives. Yanjun always walking slower than his usual pace so that Zhangjing could keep up, the older guy has shorter legs and he knows.

 

Now, their hands still tightly interlocked, Yanjun walking with his usual slow pace and Zhangjing, walking too slow to even catch up.

 

Smiles already disappeared from their faces, but not looking at each other meant that they had to guess each other’s expression. Smiling, like living in blissful ignorance. Or frowning, like how they felt now, guessing the other feels the same way.

 

Zhangjing spots the swings by the corner of the park, letting go of Yanjun’s hands and headed there. Yanjun could only follow suit.

 

The swings were empty, with Zhangjing taking one, and Yanjun taking another beside him.

 

Then, silence.

 

Yanjun, focusing his attention on his surroundings, looking around as he pushed himself lightly on the swing, fingers barely balancing his weight sufficiently on the metal chains.

 

Zhangjing, picking the dirt off his fingertips just to keep himself busy.

 

It was like they were complete strangers who ended up at the same place at the same time. Yanjun hated this silence, trying to find something else that may catch his attention. He guessed Zhangjing was feeling the same way too.

 

Something must have triggered this memory, and Yanjun found himself looking up in the sky, hoping to find stars that twinkled with such beauty that reminded him of the sparkle that Zhangjing’s eyes always had.

 

Today, in a sea of darkness, he saw no stars that would blink at him with such enthusiasm. Instead, he spotted a few spots of lights, just satellites, watching him from above.

 

He had a bad feeling about today.

 

Bringing his attention away from his sense of foreboding, he shifts his attention to his boyfriend. Tracing his facial features, his curly hair, his big round eyes that seemed a little crestfallen and his cute button nose.

 

 _Everything about him seems perfect,_ Yanjun thought.

 

He lets out a soft smile but on second glance, it looks different from before.

 

_It seems...darker?_

 

His eyes look up and he realised, indeed, the street lamp that brings attention to his boyfriend’s face was not lit today. But what hits him is not how dark it was. It was the memories.

 

“The street lamp beside you is not lit today,” he announces, like a casual remark, just something he had tried use to start a conversation.

 

That lifted Zhangjing’s head as he spots the lamp and nods, “mhm.”

 

Zhangjing looks at Yanjun now, waiting for him to probably continue talking and Yanjun doesn’t want to cover up what he had planned to say.

 

_Okay, maybe he does._

 

“They forgot to turn on the light.”

 

“Perhaps it’s spoilt.”

 

“Then they should get the maintenance people to fix it”

 

Zhangjing nods.

 

_Zhangjing doesn’t remember, does he?_

 

Yanjun fixes his eyes on Zhangjing’s expression in the darkness, hoping there would be some giveaway signs of this memory that he would never forget, but Zhangjing seems like a clueless kid who only replied out of kindness.

 

Maybe, it was just Yanjun, who bothered all along. Maybe, he was the one who gave too much, cared too much, loved too much.

 

_But does Yanjun have any regrets? No._

 

Because it was all for You Zhangjing.

 

He feels bitter, his stomach churning uncomfortably and he knows that he feels sorry for himself.

 

_Yanjun, you loved him too much._

 

_But I don’t regret it. I really don’t._

 

“Our first kiss,” Yanjun says.

 

“Our first kiss was on this swing, we were sitting like this, and the lamp beside you wasn’t lit.”

 

 _Maybe it rings a bell now,_ Yanjun thought.

 

What he doesn’t realise is how Zhangjing had shut his eyes tightly right after he mentioned about the lamp. Memories, so sweet as sugar, pouring into his mind and that night, was a night that Zhangjing could never forget.

 

He didn’t need to spell out everything. Zhangjing remembers. _He remembers everything._

 

Zhangjing didn’t have time to think. How to respond, what to say. Yanjun didn’t give him time.

 

He feels a strong tug against his swing and a firm press of lips against his.

 

Overpowering, full, _desperate_.

 

He kisses back instinctively, fiercely to keep with the pace and rigour of this. He wants to complain, about how the hand on his cheek is warmer than what was comfortable. He dislikes the feeling of tiptoeing because he would have lost his balance if he didn’t apply enough pressure on his toes. He can’t breathe, it’s too fast, too suffocating, but he doesn’t say a word.

 

He tries his best to keep up, force himself to make do with it because, _isn’t it love that overcomes all challenges?_

 

Zhangjing doesn’t seem to realise that when Yanjun finally pulls away, a string of saliva connecting their bruised lips. Yanjun shifting his thumb to Zhangjing’s lips, wiping off the excess with a clean swipe.

 

The first thing Zhangjing wants to ask, wants to say, he does it.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Even Zhangjing was surprised at his own question. Yanjun still looking at him with much love.

 

“I was afraid that this might be the last...,” Yanjun stops, eyes brimming with tears, as he realised what he was saying and keeps quiet.

 

_He knows, does he?_

 

The tears don’t fall, Yanjun makes sure they don’t.

 

Zhangjing bites on his lips nervously to stop himself from shaking in discomfort.

 

A scene so familiar, but far from ideal.

 

The place where starts, he hopes it doesn’t end here too.

 

Silence again. Silence that fills their minds with millions of questions, billions of doubts, no closure, no hope, emptiness and uneasiness.

 

Yanjun hates this silence.

 

Courage the only thing left to break this silence.

 

The truth at least, was better than having no closure.

 

He was just a step slower.

 

“You were wearing your brown coat,” Zhangjing says, catching Yanjun’s attention.

 

“You were wearing your brown coat when we first kissed on this swing,” he clears his throat and repeats.

 

Yanjun is not sure what Zhangjing is thinking now, so he just replies with, “yeah.”

 

“A coat too huge for you, but you wore it well,” he continues.

 

“I put the coat on you because you were shivering,” the words find its way to Yanjun’s mouth as he replayed the memory through his mind.

 

“And you said I looked better than you in it.”

 

“You _do_ ,” Yanjun replies, and they find themselves looking into each other’s eyes again. While Yanjun keeps his gaze there, Zhangjing looked away instantly, finding interest in the floor instead.

 

“I kept saying we should go back, but you refused, saying that it’s more important to spend time with me here.”

 

It pricks his heart. Zhangjing remembering everything he said, none which he could take back.

 

“So I kissed you,” Yanjun says, a bitter smile on his face, “saying that time is more well spent if we’re doing something more useful like this.”

 

Zhangjing closed his eyes to take in every word that Yanjun was saying. Maybe, this would be the last.

 

“And you kissed me back.”

 

It felt like someone had punched him right at the stomach, his stomach hurting like hell from the pain in his words.

 

Pain because it brings out memories that he could never forget, but brings a smile to his face as he thinks about them.

 

Yanjun too, was taking it worse.

 

He feels the tears in his eyes threatening to fall, but no, he will keep them in.

 

“Did it feel the same when I kissed you just now?” he suddenly asked, biting his lip to hold a smile.

 

He tries to look at Zhangjing, he tries, because any moment the first tear would fall from his face.

 

Zhangjing looks up, looks at him, and Yanjun sees an obvious furrow in his eyebrows. Only after some hesitation did he reply.

 

“It feels different.”

 

A tone that Yanjun will dislike for his entire life. Maybe it’s the way he said it, or it was the content of the words, Yanjun just felt that he was digging his own grave.

 

The more he hears he worse he feels. But he choose to hear it all. It is Zhangjing’s choice, Zhangjing’s voice, he could not just choose to ignore it.

 

“Is it the same reason behind that odd vibe I receive from you these days?”

 

He looks away, before the look on Zhangjing’s eyes were too strong, too intimidating, or maybe Yanjun was just too weak to continue his strong front.

 

He refuses to ask the main question.

 

_Do you still love me?_

 

It’s better not to ask that question.

 

Zhangjing nods, and Yanjun rejoices, just for just a millisecond because he realised, Zhangjing had only heard his question on his odd behaviour, the question on love was only asked in his mind.

 

Still, he puts a smiley face and replies, “I understand.”

 

Those words bring no comfort to himself, it brings no comfort to Zhangjing either. Words that are just empty and useless.

 

But their relationship was not just so simple. As silence built up between them, Zhangjing’s mind is in a whirl because of the uncertainty he is feeling. Yanjun on the other hand, was more practical.

 

“I think we both need some time.”

 

Partly because it was too sudden, partly because there was still hope, and partly because he had loved him more.

 

“Give us more time, how about that?” Yanjun suggests, this time keeping eye contact with Zhangjing, telling him that he was sincere about everything he had said.

 

While Yanjun would never be sure, the look on Zhangjing’s eyes remained ambiguous but not out right negative.

 

There was still hope.

 

“Do you know what’s the coldest thing of tonight?”

 

Zhangjing is still looking at him, questioning him for his ridiculous question. Must be some cold joke again. _This is not the best time for jokes though._

 

“The gaze in your eyes.”

 

_Oh. I’m sorry._

 

Zhangjing feels awful, his face crumpled into a scowl as he gets the joke that was not funny anymore.

 

“I was just kidding,” Yanjun says, keeping a smile that Zhangjing presumed was forced.

 

“Goodnight. I’ll see you tomorrow,” was all he said, plus that smile on his face that didn’t show his dimples like it should.

 

Of course, with Yanjun’s heart stabbed a hundred times, broken into a thousand pieces, no smile could cover up all the damage he had gone through.

 

太爱了(Too much in love）

所以我 (Therefore I)

没有哭 (Didn’t cry)

 

_I’ll only cry on happy occasions, not sad ones._

_I’ll wait for you._

 

Yanjun doesn’t show up at Zhangjing’s room that night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, hope y'all enjoy this chapter! :)
> 
> Secondly, I appreciate all kudos and comments (even though I'm slow at replying them) so keep them flowing in too. :)
> 
> Thirdly, Lin Yanjun I love you even though I feel bad about writing you in this story in such a state.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did my story end up with so much angst I don't even know.
> 
> Btw this was supposed to have more scenes but writing made the story longer than expected so I'm shifting it to the next chapter, perhaps there may be 7 chapters instead :)
> 
> Zhangjun<3

The day doesn’t start as smoothly as he had wanted it to be.

 

There was no schedule, but Zhangjing found himself waking up to the bright rays of the morning sun piercing through his drooping eyelids.

 

A hand feeling for the small block of plastic on his bedside table, sleepy eyes closing as he focused his mind on finding the alarm clock.

 

Bringing that ticking block closer to his face, he squinted his eyes uncomfortably under the bright light, holding up his forearm to shield his eyes from the sun.

 

_Why the fuck was it so bright?_

 

Holding the clock right in front of his face, he registers the time; _it’s only 8.30, then why am I awake?_

 

Then, he gets it.

 

He forgot to draw the curtains last night.

 

_Fuck._

 

Placing the clock back to its rightful spot, he sits up, slowly and clumsily from the sleep that was still clouding his eyes.

 

His vision slowly adjusts to the increasing brightness, body feeling the heat pouring in through the windows.

 

Hands wandering to the side, touching the other side of the bed.

 

_The other side of the bed._

 

He had slept only on one side the whole night, as if the space beside him was reserved for someone else.

 

Yeah. That someone who would draw his curtains before they slept. That someone who would kiss him goodnight before they entered dreamland. That someone who would make sure his morning is filled with rainbows and unicorns and _love_.

 

He’s not there.

 

//

 

Days and weeks do not pass as great as he wished, but what he got was already one of the best he could ask for.

 

He knows that he could only blame himself for this mess.

 

It was all because he was selfish, while Yanjun was all too accommodating. He was the only one who had paused their relationship with a question mark, throwing Yanjun off. He was the only one who hesitated, who needed to consider, who thought more than he should have.

 

Yanjun on the other hand, just gave him his whole heart like it belonged to him in the first place. No conditions, no hesitation, just _everything_.

 

Who was he to complain about the increasing awkwardness between them both? How could he want more than what he was given? He had deserved it.

 

In fact, Yanjun did nothing wrong but was forced into this mess with him. How could he complain?

 

Those occasional smiles, infrequent interactions and pure awkwardness that put him off. Even his groupmates could sense the tension between them. Not one of strong intensity, but the _dull_ , uncomfortable sensation that brought questioning looks to their faces but no one actually asked them explicitly.

 

The closest question he had got was from the member he spoke to the most, after Yanjun.

 

Ziyi.

 

It came off totally unexpected, when Zhangjing was looking for food in the kitchen in the middle of the night, while Ziyi was just sitting at the dining table having a glass of wine.

 

“Something happened between you and Yanjun right?”

 

A few seconds of hesitation.

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

But Ziyi knew better than to inquire more, seeing the flustered expression on Zhangjing’s face and knowing that he does not have the right to do question him further.

 

“If there’s anything, you can talk to me, bro.”

 

Providing reassurance was all he could offer.

 

Zhangjing nodded and scurried back to his room with a bag of chips in his hand.

 

//

 

Having no specific date for releasing a new album did not mean that they could just rest and wait for time to pass.

 

As artistes, they had to constantly practise and hone their skills, dance, vocal, rap, even for the performances that they have already committed to memory.

 

That day saw them practising the dances that they already knew by heart, ‘Ei Ei’, ‘I Always Remember’, ‘Mack Daddy’ and basically every song that they had performed for their previous fan meetings.

 

It was okay, Zhangjing would say, he remembered almost everything except for a few slip ups where he lost the accurate _balance_ for the moves and found the right _balance_ after a few more tries.

 

Those songs were normal, he did what he did, nothing special, just great team effort, even the occasional dancing beside Lin Yanjun was not as awkward as he had expected it to be.

 

But there came ‘Firewalking’.

 

‘Firewalking’ was a song that the group would consider ‘NongNong’s anthem’, because Linong was the center and the song had suited his vocal colour the most.

 

But all Zhangjing could make out of ‘Firewalking’ was the transparent chairs. And Lin Yanjun.

 

The song came on and they danced accordingly, moves natural as if it was already built in them, but there came the dragging of the plastic chairs before Yanjun climbed onto them.

 

Zhangjing remembers how Yanjun who was so afraid of heights poured out his worries to him late at night when they were still trainees, when they were still in _that_ competition.

 

How he blabbered on and on about why he had chosen that role that needed him to walk while being a metre above the ground, so that the audience could see him, so that he would possibly get a better ranking the next round.

 

How he saw it as a challenge but immediately regretted it when he stood on one chair and was unable to move.

 

How he was too embarrassed to switch roles with Chaoze because he could barely walk an inch on those chairs without becoming a trembling mess of jelly.

 

How he bluffed the rest of his groupmates that he’ll overcome his fear before the actual performance, when the date was looming closer and he knows that he is not going to pull through by just bluffing.

 

How he was afraid that he’ll get eliminated, _how he didn’t want to leave Zhangjing alone in that competition._

 

He didn’t state why that night, but Zhangjing would have guessed by now that it was because Yanjun had loved him. He would have missed him, so, so much if they weren’t together.

 

And that Zhangjing dragged him back to the practice room after midnight, arranged the chairs for him and held on to his hand tightly when he took the first step forward.

 

His palm as Zhangjing remembered, was sweaty. Yanjun never had the problem of sweaty palms, but when he is nervous, beads of perspiration flow down his body like a tap, and it doesn’t stop running.

 

Now, Yanjun can stand on those chairs proudly, hand gestures appropriate for the dance, showing no obvious signs of anxiousness.

 

But they were currently only on the first verse.

 

As the music continued, synchronised moves from all of them made Zhangjing grateful that this practice session would go smoothly.

 

When it reached the second verse, Zhangjing found himself looking at Yanjun more than he should have given their current state.

 

The reason was not the sudden thought of Yanjun gaining confidence after overcoming his fear of heights with him.

 

It was the incident. _That incident_.

 

The front few lines of the second verse passed with a whoosh, and the next thing that registered in Zhangjing’s head was Yanjun’s part.

 

They had to arrange the chairs in a line in front of them for Yanjun to walk.

 

But the dance moves, as they all knew, were hasty. No one actually had the time to put the chairs so neatly like it would have been in shop on display.

 

That was why, _that_ incident happened.

 

Zhangjing only knew it after spotting unusual bruises on Yanjun’s arm after practice one day.

 

In fact, Yanjun had hidden it well behind a cheerful facade but Zhangjing hitting his arm playfully sent a loud “ow” from his throat and he found out.

 

That was from falling onto the floor when one of the members had failed to put the chair correctly and he took a wrong step forward.

 

It could have been _serious_ , a fracture, if he was unlucky that day.

 

Zhangjing would never want that to happen.

 

It was like his responsibility. Unspoken, but obvious, and by reflex.

 

As the other members turned away to dance while Yanjun stepped on the first chair, Zhangjing knew what he had to do.

 

Too busy shifting the line of chairs, too straight that onlookers would have thought it was part of the dance move.

 

All he had wanted was for Yanjun to be careful. Due to his fear of heights, he doesn’t actually glance down before he steps forward because of the distance from the ground that he could see. So Zhangjing had to; _he had to_ ; make sure Yanjun will not fall again.

 

With his attention focused on only that one goal, Zhangjing did not realise the thankful eyes watching him as he helped to shift the chairs, too important that he missed the timing for his own moves.

 

Pretending nothing had happened, they continued dancing towards the end of the song.

 

Yanjun watching Zhangjing from time to time, while Zhangjing was carried away by recalling the dance.

 

It was only after the music stopped, when the members plopped down on the floor panting heavily, did Yanjun walk over to Zhangjing who was at the corner taking a gulp of water.

 

“Thank you.”

 

His voice rings in his head and lingers there.

 

A thank you not overdue, a thank you not because you’re special, but because thank you. Thank you for your help earlier.

 

Zhangjing nods, makes a brief eye contact and a small smile.

 

_Yeah, maybe that’s how we ended up._

 

Yanjun smiled back, gaze still stuck onto his face like he did not want to look away.

 

Of course, Yanjun wouldn’t want to look away.

 

Zhangjing started to panic, it was not like he did not like Yanjun looking at him. He loved it, he wanted it, but he knew he deserved none of that attention.

 

Luckily, it was Yanjun who moved away first, busy with small talk with the other members, before things had gotten more awkward.

 

//

 

One morning, Zhangjing wakes up to the pleasant scent of eggs and toast and a tinge of _burnt smell?_

 

He got out of bed, heading straight to the kitchen to check out if anyone had burnt down his apartment.

 

Of course, that was what he would appear to have done, but food was the main reason why he had decided to climb out of bed.

 

A whiff of the delicious smell and Zhangjing forgoes his habit to brush his teeth the moment he wakes up, he decides food is priority now.

 

Scanning through his brain to guess who, _was it Ziyi who wakes up early, or Linong who cooks well?_

 

He settles on Ziyi, judging by the burnt smell filling the air, the chef here could not be an expert in making dishes, even simple ones like these.

 

As he skipped excitedly along the corridor, he saw that _he_ was none of those he had guessed.

 

Welcoming him with a dimpled smile, Zhangjing was at a loss for words.

 

The first and only question that popped up from his head was “what are you doing here?” but he shoves the question down his throat from realising how rude it sounds the first thing in the morning.

 

Before he could speak with anything that sounds decent, he got a friendly, “hi, good morning.” that threw him off again.

 

Zhangjing believes that his state of mind was not clear yet so his auto responder started playing through his head, “uh, hi.”

 

_Why are you here?_

 

He never got to ask because he realised how stupid his question was.

 

Seeing Yanjun hold up a plate with a lot of food right in front of his face, he takes over the plate and replies with thanks.

 

_He made breakfast, what else do you want to ask, You Zhangjing?_

 

With a full plate in his hands, his eyes dart around for something to continue their conversation that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

 

“Uh, I’ll go wake the rest of them up,” Yanjun says, a hand reaching to rub the back of his neck as he headed to the corridor and started to knock on the doors.

 

“Thanks for the breakfast,” Zhangjing adds, because he knows his manners and that was the minimal he could do now.

 

“Uh, no problem,” Yanjun replies, a tone he remembers, nothing that special or happy, just Yanjun being Yanjun.

 

He scans the table for the other plates messily placed and arranged them before the rest comes over for breakfast.

 

Unintentionally, he realised that there were only seven plates present.

 

He wants to be distracted by the fact that the plate in his hand was given half a serving more than all the others. Toast the one of crisp golden brown, eggs the most appetising amongst all.

 

_Even ketchup, placed neatly at the side of his plate._

 

Only his plate had ketchup already.

 

_He knows._

 

But what had caught his attention was the plate beside the toaster, two pieces which looked almost black from excess toasting.

 

_Was that on its way to the bin?_

 

His question got answered from how Yanjun walked over to take a bite of the burnt toast, and then heading to the other apartments to wake the others up.

 

“I’ll go and call the others,” and he disappeared out of the door.

 

That made Zhangjing drop the fork he was taking, falling onto the table with a loud clank and startling the Linong who had just got out of his room rubbing his eyes.

 

_What does this mean?_

 

Even Ziyi’s loud yawn could not distract him from his thoughts.

 

As the two guys sat at the table waiting for the others to arrive, Zhangjing stayed in a state of confusion.

 

They watched Zhangjing staring at Yanjun’s plate for a long while before grabbing some utensils.

 

While the rest of the members settled down for their breakfast, Yanjun walked over to the plate next to the toaster, his plate, and instinctively turned his head to look at Zhangjing, who seemed to have finished more than half of his meal.

 

Zhangjing hadn’t finished his meal.

 

Half of the share was on his plate, even the burnt sad looking toast was replaced with golden brown happy ones.

 

Zhangjing was just looking down, looking at the side, looking at everyone except him while avoiding eye contact as he chatted normally with the other guys.

 

Zhangjing believed that was the right thing to do. But he doesn’t know why.

 

Maybe it was because of the lingering feelings, if any, he had for Yanjun. But he dare not to speculate because he wasn’t sure.

 

Yanjun just hopes his actions meant more than just courtesy.

 

//

 

Confused? _Hell yeah._

 

Zhangjing does not expect himself to question Yanjun’s actions again that night.

 

The breakfast that made him confused, threw him off his feet, basically bugged him for the entire day.

 

Sitting on the sofa, showering in the bathroom, even washing the dishes. He was pondering about their relationship.

 

He does feel touched that Yanjun love him, even calling it ‘he loved me so much’ will do no justice to the overwhelming affection he received.

 

He knows it all, and it wasn’t that he didn’t reciprocated his feelings. He did, sometimes even without knowing the actual reason why.

 

What had made him give up the most important thing in his life, food, for the other most important thing in his life, Yanjun?

 

In his heart, he knows and believes that Yanjun is truly the most important thing in his life. He would consider him tangible, he could cuddle with him, he could interact with him, they could read each other like a book, at least last time.

 

On the other hand, Yanjun must have viewed their relationship as intangible; hard to value.

 

_He loved you, but it seems like he doesn’t love you. You love him, so much you could offer him the world and be left a pauper with a debt of suffering._

 

As such, what’s the value of that relationship?

 

One sided? _Proportionately uneven?_

No relationship is an exact ‘I give you 100% worth of love and I get back 100% from you’. There is never a fair amount going to and fro, it is just how much you are willing to give and how lucky you are to get back in return.

 

Yanjun this case seemed like a hopeless fool, Zhangjing a lucky bitch.

 

But maybe, things weren’t as bad, as complicated as they thought. _Maybe._

 

_What had happened?_

 

One day of thinking did no justice to the growing problem. It was not like Zhangjing hadn’t spent the past few weeks mulling over this issue with nothing solid in return. He just couldn’t think clearly, excuses. To put it straight, he was just running away from his problems.

 

He was forced to halt thinking further because Yanjun was sitting right in front of him, the dining table of his apartment being the only thing separating them both.

 

They were not talking though, their friends were the ones talking.

 

Weekly gatherings in ‘whose apartment is it today?’ were what they were perfectly used to. That day, they had agreed on Linong’s apartment, which also meant it was Zhangjing’s apartment since it was a shared apartment between them and Ziyi.

 

A full bottle of wine in the centre, a full carton of grape juice right next to it.

 

All of them holding on to wine glasses. All except Xukun, Zhengting and Ziyi were there because lucky them, they were called to film some variety programme that the rest were not invited to.

 

Justin, swirling his glass of purplish red liquid and inhaling the scent so cleverly that he looked like he had attended wine appreciation class before.

 

“Justin, you’re trying too hard just to drink a glass of grape juice,” ChengCheng comments, rolling his eyes so obviously while taking a sip of his own, “it’s quite sweet though, NongNong where did you buy this from?”

 

And the conversation continues with some laughter, some small talk, random comments and _more laughter._

 

The occasional kick that Zhangjing feels from the excited Justin beside him yapping loudly about some game did not seem to distract him. He agrees that Justin is annoying in that sense but he loves him a lot as a brother.

 

That love was something he could define clearly, _he could be sure_ , what Justin means to him.

 

For the Yanjun that he had observed too closely, _he doesn’t know._

 

What is love? What is Yanjun to him, _now_? He doesn’t know.

 

That doesn’t explain why he spent the whole time sitting there, just watching Yanjun.

 

He swears he did not plan to spend the night as such.

 

How his dimples show when he’s smiling wide. How his double eyelids look so pretty beside his deep, glistening eyes. How his lips bring up to a smile from time to time, whether he actually found things funny or it was just a facade to keep things going.

 

And the fact that he had reached for his wine glass the ninth time that night, taking huge gulps with every passing minute, like he was thirsty for the wine.

 

Yanjun is becoming so wasted right in front of him. The younger ones too engrossed in their conversation to notice how quiet the two of them was.

 

Zhangjing only had a few sips from his glass while Yanjun kept pouring and pouring more, as if trying to fill his empty heart with something other than what he was looking for.

 

That kept Zhangjing worried, and guilty. _What has he done to Yanjun?_

Any small possibility that Yanjun was drowning his sorrows in anything else was pushed to zero, Zhangjing knows that he started this, and needs to end this right. Not now, but _soon_ , it has to happen _soon_. But how?

 

As he trudged deeper into his thoughts, Yanjun suddenly plopped his head down right on the dining table, startling everyone from how loud and sudden it was.

 

“Shit,” flies out of Zhangjing’s mouth in a second, while the rest just looked at Yanjun in shock.

 

“Is he okay?” XiaoGui asks, as Zhangjing immediately heads to his room to bring out a pillow.

 

“Did he break his skull?” Goes ChengCheng and he gets an annoyed stare from Zhangjing, who was holding up Yanjun’s head for Linong to place the pillow under his head.

 

“Okay, okay, I was just kidding,” ChengCheng cowers away. An angry Zhangjing was not someone he wanted to fight with tonight.

 

They contemplated bringing Yanjun back to his apartment, but he looks too wasted to make his way back even with assistance and to survive on his own after that.

 

Then, all eyes fall on _him_ and Zhangjing knows what it means.

 

“I’ll take him,” he says, so softly that he wonders if the rest actually heard him, so he repeats.

 

“I’ll take care of him, can you guys help to carry him in?”

 

The next minute, all of them were fumbling around Zhangjing’s bed, Justin calling ChengCheng to get a basin and water and a towel, XiaoGui and Linong helping to adjust Yanjun’s body while Zhangjing helped to undress him in the sweaty mess.

 

Yanjun literally looked like a mighty king being served by all his subordinates. But his friends only did so because they _cared_ about him, Zhangjing too.

 

Despite having this superior treatment, there was a deep furrow in his eyebrows, worry too obvious from his pursed lips, face twitching occasionally that Zhangjing does not blame the alcohol for.

 

 _This king was sad_ , and he knows.

 

Taking the wet towel in his hand, he thanks the rest for their help and assures them that he could take over from there.

 

Linong reassures him again that he’ll be next door if he did need another helping hand. After which, they broke away to their own apartments.

 

Now it was just him and Yanjun _again_.

 

Closing the door behind him, he fits himself comfortably on the bed, between Yanjun’s body and the basin beside him.

 

The truth was, he was seen a drunk Yanjun before, sometime ago during another trainee’s birthday party, but it wasn’t to this extent.

 

That time, he was so loud, so crazy, making wild screeching noises behind his ear and sharing a myriad of cold jokes that no one actually bothered to listen. By that he meant none of their friends except himself.

 

This drunk Yanjun was not one that he had expected. Usually drunk habits remain the same but maybe it was because he had really drank too much, forced himself too far, that he just collapsed from what his body could not overcome.

 

After drying the wet towel in the basin beside him, he cools down Yanjun starting from his red hot face.

 

Pressing the towel again and again against his burning cheeks, Zhangjing starts to ponder in the silence that fills the room.

 

_What does this mean?_

_What does he mean to me?_

 

Dabbing the towel along his sweaty neck, he focuses on how uneasy Yanjun’s facial expression is. He raises an index finger to press down the crease on his forehead, hoping it goes away.

 

_Yanjun, I’m sorry._

 

He wets the towel again before tapping it on his chest, and the rest of his upper body.

 

Zhangjing’s expression was no different from Yanjun’s, an unpleasant frown on his face that worsens with every passing second, as he asks himself useless questions that shouldn’t even exist in this relationship.

 

_What if, I didn’t love you as much as you did? What if, all this while, I only indulged in the joy I received without offering you anything in return? What if I..._

 

He feels a warmth grabbing his thigh, and that brought him away from those thoughts that were smothering him.

 

He guesses, it would have been better to move away.

 

Zhangjing wants to blame it on the weightless arm that was holding on to his leg, but he knows better that it was his feelings, too strong to push Yanjun away.

 

Zhangjing doesn’t know how to feel about this.

 

Instead, he puts down the towel and settles for that space in between, lying on his side as he watched Yanjun.

 

Hopefully with all the alcohol flowing through his veins, he would feel less _shitty_ than he was previously.

 

He sensed an increase the speed of his own heartbeat, but yet again, he cannot fully attribute it to the nervousness while lying beside Yanjun. There was alcohol in his body right now and it was definitely making him more confused.

 

What causes Zhangjing to stop thinking further and just observe a sleeping Yanjun, he doesn’t know.

 

Just tracing a finger to push back some of his fringe, feeling the eyebrow and how bushy it is. Tracing the sharp outline of his nose bridge and the curvature of his lips. And poking the cheek where his dimple should be.

 

The memory of the first time he had observed all those things resurfaced again. Knowledge that was not essential but good to know. What he had liked about Yanjun. _Yeah, what he had liked about Yanjun._

 

The bitter taste in his mouth, was it because of this weird feeling inside him, or was it because of the alcohol? _He doesn’t know._

 

Even his actions were not something he could justify.

 

One moment, he wants to push Yanjun away, the next moment, he wants him?

 

_What is this want that he was looking for? Was it the same as how Yanjun wanted him?_

 

Zhangjing also had the world to give. But he doesn’t know whether he had wanted to give it to Yanjun, even though he could vouch for the fact that he deserved the world and everything more.

 

Looking back at Yanjun, he has a million questions not directed at _him_ , but directed to himself.

 

_Just, how much did he love him?_

 

Yanjun suddenly turns to face him and Zhangjing tries to escape in _fear_ , for unknown reasons. It was not like he was exposing his feelings raw to Yanjun, _what was he afraid of?_

 

But then again, _isn’t it what Yanjun was doing?_

 

Exposing his raw self, naked thoughts, shoving it in his face and hopes he accepts all of it.

 

It was not that Zhangjing didn’t want to accept it, _he just wasn’t sure._

 

In that close proximity, Zhangjing could feel every breath from Yanjun with every exhale of the stinky alcoholic scent on the tip of his lips.

 

Something that tempts him to part his lips a little, for reasons he doesn’t quite to know.

 

Shutting his eyelids like weights were placed onto them.

 

Leaning closer even if it was just a bit.

 

Their lips graze a little but he doesn’t kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who has sent kudos and comments to this work, I really appreciate it! Hope you enjoyed this chapter too. 
> 
> Okay actually how do you enjoy this I feel angry for unknown reasons too HAHAHAH


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seal is sad.
> 
> Seal is miserable.
> 
> Seal is desperate.
> 
> (Btw this chapter onwards I'll just throw smut in whenever it fits but it's not going to be too elaborated just saying :))

If that night were to mean anything, _it doesn’t_ , at least, that’s what they realise.

 

It’s been a few days, since Zhangjing had woken up to an empty bed. The box of painkillers and the glass of water he had left on the table the night before, not there the moment he opened his eyes.

 

In his heart, he could hear another “thank you” from Yanjun, just that it does not translate into reality. Maybe he did say it, when he was fast asleep and not conscious of his surroundings.

 

Well, Zhangjing didn’t realise that the blanket had been brought higher up to his chest. Nor did he realise that the odd feeling on his lips, like dried up saliva, was not a dream or a result of his own actions.

 

Yanjun didn’t act particularly different the next day, still as quiet, still as awkward. Zhangjing on the other hand had stolen a few more glances at Yanjun as he waited for that “ _thank you_ ” that was overdue. It just bugged him like he had expected to hear it, waited to listen to it, _but it just doesn’t come._

 

All that waiting was making him feel worse.

 

Why was he so caught up with that “thank you” that he had failed to receive? Was it the familiarity of Yanjun’s kindness, the unspoken reward of helping others, _or could it be more than that?_

 

He doesn’t know.

 

//

 

Days pass and he still lives with it, that “thank you” not received issue being pushed to the back of his mind.

 

All he could care about are those stupid insects flying around him as he was trying his best to smile for that outdoor photoshoot.

 

That huge garden, a vast beauty of greenery with slight reddish looking berries on some bushes and yellow fruits on the others.

 

Somewhere away in the countryside that Zhangjing was not used to.

 

Well, Zhangjing would have to agree that his pictures did look better with the unforgiving sun burning their faces and blinding their eyes.

 

He could still feel that thick layer of sunblock covering his skin, sighing as he was reminded of Chaoze. He would end up as tan as him under this crazy weather.

 

But none of it bothered him more than watching the insects pollinating the plants, flying here and there, reminding him that _he_ was the intruder in their home.

 

It was not like he had a choice to leave, it was a group endorsement and he could only live with it.

 

Besides much effort to swat away the annoying flying things, the moment he got caught up with his thoughts, he lands himself in _deep shit_.

 

“Zhangjing what’s that thing on your arm?” Linong says with much haste, his arms frantically doing the swatting action to chase away that insect as he walked over from the side.

 

All this time, Zhangjing had zoned out, allowing himself to dissociate from this world to think of his worries at the most inappropriate timing possible.

 

_Not aware about what was happening as the only pain he could feel was to deal with the confusion of his own feelings and the insecurity of his love life._

 

Only when Linong yanked his forearm forcefully did he snap back to reality.

 

He wants to ask what was happening, he wants to scold him for breaking his train of thought, but the thing that stopped him from thinking about anything else was that physical pain growing on him right on his arm.

 

“It’s a wasp!” Zhangjing registers the thought as Linong mentions it, trying to chase it away as the intensity of the burning pain increased.

 

It seemed to give no shit to the two guys, happily enjoying its meal on Zhangjing’s arm before finally flying away.

 

“ _Shit_ it got you,” Linong exclaims, clenching his teeth together in disgust from the aftermath of the sting.

 

It was an ugly shade of red, visibly swollen, and _worse still_ , it was starting to get uncomfortable with itch.

 

To Zhangjing, yes it hurts, but there was absolutely no need to create such a huge commotion.

 

The next thing he registers, are a bunch of people, his members and the staff crowding around him with worried looks on their faces.

 

Here and there, people are asking him _if he was fine, if it was painful_ and he had to answer each and every one of them because they would not stop talking.

 

_Except for one._

 

His face showed an equal amount of uneasiness as the rest, but yet, he does not say a word.

 

Zhangjing was forced to sit on that foldable chair amidst the entire mess. While _he_ kneeled in front of him and pulled onto that same arm the same way Linong did.

 

Inspecting that wound with knotted eyebrows, then holding out a pair of tweezers, from the handy first aid kit placed on the floor, pulling out the sting from the bite.

 

On the other hand, Zhangjing was just watching him.

 

How his eyes are full of concentration and worry. How he breathes a little heavier than normal; _like he was sighing_. How his fringe falls over his eyes when he bent too close but he just blinks it away.

 

Then the pain hits Zhangjing back on the arm and he yelps, as the sting was pulled out in one swift act.

 

Now, this action does render a “thank you” from Zhangjing.

 

_Maybe, now they would be considered even._

 

Was it _more fair_ now? Was it that he was not owed anything now? _Just how insignificant were these thoughts, when the actual situation had been escalated many more times than this._

 

Zhangjing’s brain must have had a short circuit, from the way he was being dragged to the washroom _well_ , not exactly against his will, but without getting his consent yet.

 

He just followed, like he was supposed to, like he trusted _him_ that it was the right thing to do.

 

There was an indescribable tone of voice he used when Yanjun said, “we need to wash the wound.”

 

Somewhat cold, somewhat _angry_ , with a great deal of frustration?

 

_Did he just mean well, or was he really making a big fuss out of nothing that big?_

 

That kept Zhangjing thinking about the intentions behind his actions as Yanjun held the affected arm under water, washing it well with soap while Zhangjing was just stood rooted there, being controlled like a puppet.

 

_There was nothing he had to fight against._

 

However, curiosity did get the better of him and his thoughts somehow spilled out of his mouth as Yanjun grabbed some clean paper towels to dry the affected area.

 

“Why are you angry?” Zhangjing asks. It came off a little too _sharp_ , like he was mimicking the voice of Yanjun’s right before, but louder.

 

Yanjun doesn’t say a word, but it was obvious that he was thinking about the question from the way he had crushed the paper towel unintentionally and dabbing dry the area in a quicker pace.

 

“We’re done here. I’ll get a cold drink from the vending machine for the wound, you go back first,” he says again, with that icy cold tone of voice and look that was equally intimidating.

 

Flinging the tissues into the trash bin, Yanjun turned around only to be blocked by Zhangjing. He took a step towards the side, and was blocked _again_.

 

His tongue clicked in annoyance.

 

“Yanjun,” Zhangjing says, huge eyes searching for eye contact with Yanjun’s, just so he could try to decipher what he was thinking.

 

But Yanjun’s eyes were avoiding his.

 

“Yanjun,” he repeats, this time more firmly, his eyes still fixed on Yanjun’s as he waits for him to respond.

 

By then, Yanjun’s hands were already clenched into fists. Perspiring profusely from the increasing tension. Eyes wavering when he finally mustered the courage to look at Zhangjing.

 

Yanjun was just putting up a strong front. His eyes gave him away easily. He couldn’t even think straight now.

 

Even his actions gave him away.

 

Yanjun held a hand over Zhangjing’s jaw and leaned down to kiss him. Needy, desperate, _rushed_.

 

_Lin Yanjun was afraid. He was afraid that I would push him away._

 

_But I don’t. I let him be._

 

//

 

A shower is the best time and opportunity to relieve stress. Yanjun knew it very well.

 

Away from other people, distractions, a quiet place to reflect on your thoughts and actions.

 

Was there anything he would have regretted today?

 

_Nothing._

 

Even that kiss, that doesn’t mean anything but it doesn’t mean _nothing_ too.

 

_Why didn’t he push me away?_

_But why wouldn’t he kiss me back?_

There would have been a reason behind every action, even if he could not substantiate his actions with a proper reason.

 

Yes, he had craved to touch, to kiss Zhangjing, but _this_ was definitely done on impulse when he could not think properly.

 

At least, things are not going in the wrong direction. _A standstill meant that hope that could still be held on._

 

Holding on to these thoughts, he washes off that remaining bit of soap from his body and dressed himself in a simple t-shirt and sweatpants.

 

After finally calming himself down a little did he open the door only to see something he shouldn’t had.

 

At least not at this juncture, where _everything he wanted, everything he wished for, was left unfulfilled._

 

The first thing he does, surprisingly, is to sigh at the sight of it.

 

Xukun had pinned Zhengting against the wall, their hands busy groping each other, occasional moans spilling from both while they were halfway through making out.

 

A scene so beautiful to the couple but disgusting to an outsider.

 

On the other hand, Yanjun could only say that it was what he had craved for.

 

He never knew that watching his group mates doing these _public displays of affection_ could actually be acceptable to him. He basically got sucked into the show before a minute or two later when Zhengting realised the third party enjoying the free show and stopped the kiss.

 

“Get a room guys,” Yanjun teases, smiling like he should, as he headed towards his own room.

 

He doesn’t miss the adorable punch of Zhengting’s fist on Xukun’s chest and a whisper too loud, “told you not to kiss me here.”

 

_Words that were said differently, but meant the same. Memories that he could remember clearly, but couldn’t go back._

 

Now he can only watch, but not be a part of it. What he had missed dearly, all the affection, all the love, all the sweet nothings, that only disappeared into thin air.

 

But it was not like he could complain. Partly because he was too understanding, and partly because he had loved him too much.

 

_He doesn’t even know what he understands now._

 

This relationship is a mess.

 

Nonethless, spending years to untangle a string will definitely be more worth it than cutting away the ends that don’t fit. That was what Yanjun had lived by until now.

 

_It was just...too overwhelming the longer it carries on._

 

He decides, things have to change for the better. The least he could do now was to _try_.

 

He whips out his phone and scrolls to the chat with Zhangjing.

 

“ _Baby_ ,” he mentions adoringly, the name he had saved in his contacts.

 

He wouldn’t change it to anything else, even if things don’t work out as he had wished. This was at least the last piece of hope that links them back to the memories he had wanted to keep.

 

So he types.

 

**_Yanjun: How’s the sting?_ **

 

A safe topic, and because that was the first thing he was worried about now.

 

**_Zhangjing: It’s better now._ **

 

A speedy reply. As usual.

 

**_Yanjun: You sure?_ **

****

**_Zhangjing: Yes._ **

 

Just a filler question. It wouldn’t matter what he had written. Yanjun had already made his decision, stepping out of his room.

 

**_Yanjun: I’d better go over._ **

****

**_Zhangjing: Yanjun I’m fine._ **

 

Was Zhangjing going to push him away _again_ , he doesn’t care.

 

**_Yanjun: I’m outside your apartment now._ **

 

He steps in, closing the door behind him.

 

**_Zhangjing: What_ **

****

**_Yanjun: Open the door._ **

 

Zhangjing sighs while staring at his phone. Yanjun was a stubborn bull and Zhangjing knew it best.

 

**_Yanjun: Or I will open it for you._ **

 

Putting the phone aside, he heads towards the door.

 

What had made him follow his instructions? He doesn’t know.

 

He only knows the unusual thumping of his heart from seeing him by the doorway, in his sleepwear, inviting himself in at this time of the night.

 

Not the fancy intricate look, but just as handsome as he knows.

 

“Were you going to sleep?” Yanjun asks, a voice so soft it was a huge contrast from the sharp tone of voice he had used previously.

 

Zhangjing wants to reply yes, but words don’t come out as they should.

 

He watched as Yanjun closed the door behind him, unexpectedly locking it. His eyes staring at him in confusion.

 

Is he planning to stay here?

 

His eyes cautious of every move Yanjun made, from how his feet steps towards him, from how he had held up the affected arm with a grip too tight for comfort, eyeing the injury.

 

“It’s really better,” Yanjun says, relieved.

 

Yet he sounds like he had expected it to be well, like he was here for something _other_ than the injury. The reason being the slight cockiness in his voice that gave him away.

 

“What do you want?” Zhangjing snapped.

 

Well, he wasn’t angry with Yanjun, it was just that his actions were confusing, and Zhangjing couldn’t figure out why.

 

He doesn’t expect the latter to plant a kiss on his lips.

 

By instinct, Zhangjing closes his eyes and let the lips touch where they should be.

 

Just a peck and he pulls away.

 

“What-,” Zhangjing doesn’t get to ask, before he was pushed up against the wall, body against body, a hand resting on his neck.

 

He knows that all this time, the avoidance and presumably loss of feelings were just a disguise.

 

_Yanjun never once stopped loving him._

 

From his actions, it was obvious that at best, Yanjun’s feelings for him had remained status quo, he loved him just as much as he had always did. At worst, it headed at light speed towards the state of no return, _too much to give yet he could reap nothing back._

 

A break just so that they could clear their minds, think about the future, think about _them_.

 

A break too short to deal with their feelings, but too long to stop their feelings from growing deeper.

 

_Absence do makes the heart fonder._

_The desire for unfulfilled wishes grow bigger._

“Yanjun...,” Zhangjing responds, unexpectedly calm to the sudden nipping at his earlobe.

 

He was surprised at how it didn’t feel that _odd_ to him.

 

It was not like what he wasn’t used to, but after all these weeks, it felt as if he revisited something _familiar_ , but yet all to foreign to him now.

 

Now his only question would be what he was trying to achieve by doing this.

 

Zhangjing haven’t given him a clear indication of his thoughts, _how could he decide just what they should feel?_

 

“Let’s have sex,” he says it confidently, daringly pulling on the helix with his lips.

 

The familiar rush of excitement through his blood, but yet he chose to suppress it with wavering eyes and indecisive hands.

 

“What do you mean?” Zhangjing exclaims.

 

He is so fucking confused right now but Yanjun is not bothering to explain, creating a beautiful piece of art on his ear while Zhangjing was biting his lips waiting for his answer.

 

Actually, it was not that Yanjun didn’t want to explain.

 

He couldn’t explain, just how could he just spill about everything that was running through his mind these weeks?

 

_I didn’t dare to touch you because I was afraid of how you would respond. I didn’t dare to talk to you to give you some space to think. The number of sleepless nights I had while thinking about you. You even appeared in my dream, as a happy person...without me._

_Do you love me? The look on your face tells me that you don’t know, and that I shouldn’t bug you for it._

_But I have been thinking about it, I have been thinking about us. Even if you cannot give me a definite answer, I shall just live with it._

_Without you by my side, it makes me want you even more. Please, at least let me be close to you, even if means nothing._

 

Yanjun started to move his lips to his left jaw, brushing it lightly along the defined line till he felt a tight grip on his shoulders holding him back.

 

Zhangjing was looking at him, serious but without the apprehension he had expected to see.

 

”Yanjun, I haven’t really sorted out my feelings yet...,” he sighs.

 

_Yeah._

 

“I know,” Yanjun replies reassuringly as he headed straight for the lips, tugging at the bottom lip to encourage him to open up.

 

Zhangjing felt the sudden urge to just let go of himself, but still, there are too many questions left unanswered at this point.

 

“Wait...wait,” Zhangjing grips hold of Yanjun’s shoulders again, maintaining eye contact between the both of them.

 

“Yanjun why are you doing this?”

 

Zhangjing hates himself for asking such a useless question. _What is the point of raising a problem without the immediate intention to find a solution for it?_

 

A moment of silence between them, where Zhangjing just stared intently into the pupils of Yanjun’s eyes before he finally spoke up.

 

“Because I miss you so much...it’s okay even if you haven’t decided yet...just...just let me touch you...I’m really dying so much on the inside...,” Yanjun decides that at least, this summarises all his pent up feelings after all these while.

 

“Unless-,” he continues, but bites his tongue at the thought of his next few words, they haunt him. He shakes his head.

 

“Unless?” Zhangjing questions.

 

Yanjun sighs.

 

“Unless you feel uncomfortable about me touching you,” he says.

 

“Yanjun, I don’t.” Zhangjing replies, faster than he had wanted, expectant eyes watching him.

 

It was true. While his feelings are still in the midst of getting sorted out, he has never hated being close to Yanjun.

 

_He knows the importance of Yanjun in his life, he loved how he gets teased for fun and how they laugh together, how Yanjun always rests a hand on him like it belonged there and the firm grip on his hands when they interlock fingers._

 

Maybe answering all those unanswered questions would be too tough for them, but the least they could do now was to let loose with each other.

 

They had still loved each other. As to what degree, it doesn’t matter too much now.

 

Yanjun now holds Zhangjing’s face in his hands, beaming with much joy that Zhangjing had not seen the past few weeks.

 

Even if they don’t turn out as how they want it, at least this would be a moment they would want to remember. So Zhangjing smiles back, a huge, bright smile.

 

“Baby you’re really okay with this?” Yanjun asks, sincere feelings too overwhelming for Zhangjing to do anything to hurt him.

 

Zhangjing smiles and replies a soft “yeah”, and presses his lips onto his.

 

//

 

It has been weeks since they even touched each other.

 

The yearning had escalated the feelings all too quickly, the want growing _bigger_ by the second.

 

Yanjun has Zhangjing pinned under him, squirming a little from the occasional tickles from his kisses and the flirty groping at all the right places.

 

A feeling they would remember and would want to revisit. Even if they were unsure, these are the feelings they would be hesitant to push away.

 

At least for now, they mean the most to each other.

 

Yanjun is kissing his nose before heading to his lips, begging for entrance and finally being let in. Pushing his tongue along the crevices and being licked back sweetly on his lips. Pushing and pulling like what they knew best.

 

Zhangjing was smiling into the kiss and Yanjun got too immersed in the mood, settling his body comfortably between Zhangjing’s thighs and realising the boner pressing against his stomach.

 

_They were really getting into the mood._

 

He deepened the kiss while his hands wandered to the rim of Zhangjing’s trousers, tugging along the string playfully before pulling it down together with the underwear.

 

He feels the wander of Zhangjing’s hands along his back, and he lets him hold him as close as he wants.

 

This leaves Zhangjing exposed while he was not, it doesn’t stop him from teasingly rubbing his clothed boner against his, igniting a moan from the neediness of the action.

 

“Hey,” Zhangjing whines in a soft voice, as Yanjun rubs their noses together and protrude his lips for a light kiss on the latter’s lips.

 

“Hmm?” He replies with a teasing smile, reaching his arm to play with the curly strands of hair standing out from the rest of the lot while he continued to grind against him.

 

Zhangjing’s eyebrows knotted together in an attempt to show his displeasure, but Yanjun knows that was all just a show.

 

Yanjun’s lips find its way to Zhangjing’s again as they deepened the kiss, body heat igniting the small fire that rages in their hearts.

 

This time, Zhangjing was the one pulling Yanjun closer, holding his hips down and steadying himself.

 

He doesn’t want to be the only bare one, so he dips a thumb along the waistband of his pants, Yanjun lets him pull it off together with his briefs.

 

Zhangjing now reaches for the hem of Yanjun’s tshirt, reminding them of the last piece of clothing that is separating them both.

 

Yanjun removes his first before helping with Zhangjing’s.

 

Now left with bare bodies facing each other, they could do whatever they pleased.

 

Zhangjing hooked his wrists behind Yanjun’s neck before pulling him down, lips crashing without a doubt that they’ll end up with bruised lips at the end of this.

 

But making out ain’t the only thing they would do today, they both knew.

 

So Yanjun shifts the kiss to his jaw, licking along the jawline and moving downwards to his neck.

 

As both were already perspiring from the heat, no one could blame the sticky remnants of sweat along his neck, but nonetheless he kisses it like it was not a bother.

 

Finding a particular sweet spot along his neck, he uses his lips to bruise it well but Zhangjing who realised what he was doing had to pull him away.

 

The reason being he still remembers the time where he got a love bite the night before their concert and the amount of concealer he had to put to cover that spot. How jittery he had felt throughout the whole time because a few thousand people was watching him under the eyes of unforgiving high definition cameras. _He wouldn’t want to go through all that uneasiness again, right?_

 

At the same time, Yanjun knew his concerns all too well.

 

“We have no schedule the coming few days,” he states, hearing Zhangjing reply with a sigh of relief before he proceeded to make the hickey and then sending kisses to his chest while a shiver of bliss ran down his spine.

 

Lin Yanjun was definitely not just an eye candy; he not only looks hot but _feels hot_ too.

 

From the way he moved his lips against his skin, brushing and pulling and licking; marking all over his chest before heading towards his crotch.

 

Zhangjing could only whine while taking it all in, because he feels just too good to keep his big mouth shut.

 

Then, he could only scream upon feeling the hot breaths along where he needs it most, Yanjun teasing him in such a manner that drives him crazy.

 

Twisting his fingers through the beautiful locks of hair, free of any hair gel thanks to his two hours worth of thorough showers, pushing Yanjun’s head closer to his dick.

 

Sensing the impatience in his actions, Yanjun decides not to play it further while the adrenaline was still running through their blood at full blast.

 

Licking the first drip of precum along the slit, and then taking the length in his mouth by sucking it slowly.

 

Yanjun feels the fingers on his scalp pressing harder, and he smiles before taking more of him in, adding in his tongue because he knows that it’ll bring the guy greater pleasure.

 

“Fuck...,” Zhangjing curses from the unbelievable paradise he was set in now.

 

This encourages Yanjun to push the length deeper in, moving faster as he suppresses his gag reflex using his willpower.

 

He can’t decide if it was his hands that felt better on his head or his dick that felt better in his mouth, but the synergistic effect of enjoying both together just felt like bliss to him.

 

The only thing that stops him is the erratic thrusts against his mouth, he feels the desperation in Zhangjing’s actions and that means they should do more than just _that_.

 

He pulls out swiftly, receiving a disappointed groan from Zhangjing as Yanjun smiles with that stupid smug expression on his face.

 

“You didn’t throw it away, did you?” Yanjun asks expectantly as he walks to the bedside drawer, squats in front of the last drawer with a lock and he twists it with the key that was hanging right on it.

 

He opens the drawer to find the bottle of lube lying where it had always been, sending a dimpled grin towards Zhangjing’s direction and receiving an annoyed glare in response.

 

“Did you forget to throw this away or were you waiting to use it again?” Yanjun shifts an eyebrow while the side of his lips pull up to a smirk. He got up, shutting the drawer close using his feet and moved back to the bed.

 

Zhangjing’s tongue clicks and that causes Yanjun to break into laughter.

 

“Yeah, baby, I get it,” he says while coating his fingers with lube, “open up baby.”

 

With that, he pushes a finger in and gets a loud yelp in surprise.

 

“Baby don’t forget the other guys are next door,” he announces with a smirk, twisting his finger deeper in and Zhangjing has to cover his mouth to muffle the screams that he could not control.

 

Yanjun’s free hand reaches for Zhangjing’s, “don’t cover your mouth, I can’t see you if you do that.”

 

Yet he pushes yet another finger in, with Zhangjing almost screaming out loud if not for the last bit of self control that he had tried to mantain.

 

“What the fuck,” Zhangjing groans, it’s either that Yanjun doesn’t realise the effect of his actions on him or he chooses not to see it.

 

Adding a third finger, Zhangjing couldn’t stop the voice from escaping his throat, spitting out a noise in the same rhythm as the fingering.

 

He is in the mood to point his middle finger back at Yanjun for his inconsiderate actions, but then again he had a part to play in this as well.

 

The inconsiderate one was not just Yanjun, it was the both of them.

 

Turning their heads towards the source of music playing in the room next door, they turned back to look at each other, Zhangjing giving him a side eye while Yanjun gave him the ‘not my problem’ kind of shrug.

 

In other words, Ziyi next door could hear them. _Ew._

 

“Then let’s make this quick then, You Zhangjing,” Yanjun says, a determined smile on his face as he pulled out his fingers and lathered some lube on his dick.

 

“You ready?” he asks while positioning it at the entrance. Zhangjing nodded in anticipation.

 

A thrust and he was in. The rhythm they were both familiar with. The feeling of happiness, of joy, of pleasure flowing in their blood.

 

_That moment then, was just you and I._

 

Free of worries. Free of other issues. Free of any argument.

 

Both their minds were clouded with bliss, eyes covered from the harsh reality as they let themselves lose and enjoy in the moment.

 

All they could focus on was how to hit it at the right spot, how to touch with the right amount of pressure, how to kiss like the pieces of the puzzle would fit together.

 

Just for now, love for them is uncertain, but they were making it happen.

 

Running round the earth and back again, this was not a choice that they would regret.

 

Even if this night had meant nothing more than just sex, they would hope to classify it as love making.

 

_Blissful ignorance would let time pass better, right?_

 

Their hearts beating as one as they came together, amazing since they don’t remember the last time they actually managed to reach the peak simultaneously.

 

An awestruck moment, etched in their minds.

 

Bright smiles on their faces, Yanjun a dimpled grin and Zhangjing the huge one that stretches his mouth and shows his cute gums.

 

Zhangjing settles in Yanjun’s arms and they cuddle under the blanket.

 

Zhangjing listened to the soft breathing above his head, blowing against his curly locks.

 

He hears the calmness of Yanjun’s heartbeat beside his ear.

 

He feels the restless arm placed at the side of his stomach, and the warmth that it emits.

 

For this moment, he had almost thought that they had sorted things out and were back to where they begin.

 

_Things...weren’t as simple as that._

He enjoyed staying _like this_ with Yanjun, but he wasn’t 100% sure if this was right.

 

Just, he wasn’t sure if he should trust his feelings or trust his mind.

 

It made him happy but was this exactly what he had wanted?

 

_He doesn’t know._

 

There was no reason to ask Yanjun to stay.

 

But he could find a million reasons why he doesn’t want to push Yanjun away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Lin Yanjun makes a move yay.
> 
> I hope this chapter is not too out of the place in the story but yeah Yanjun needs to make a move and it's now. And the smut it's so light omg and the biggest block stopping my imagination is visualising Zhangjing in bed cuz he's such a cute baby how do I see him differently? Haiz.
> 
> I have decided that from today onwards, the number of chapters in this story shall be undecided. I'll just write and then see how XD


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's mood: Forever and A Day - Lean on me

Sometimes things do not turn out like what you expect it to be.

 

Words said, or even _simple thoughts_ you kept to yourself, can _change completely_.

 

Now he had agreed to this confusing relationship with Yanjun. _Many words unspoken, both of them surviving just by guessing._

 

It seems like they agreed upon this sex-only relationship? Zhangjing didn’t mean for things to turn out this way, but from the lack of affection Yanjun was showing him, he doesn’t feel close to the sweet little bread boyfriend he had loved.

 

This night saw him being pressed onto the wall, head almost slamming against the rough ridges of the door to his room, while he reaches out his hand to the back, holding on to the larger palms that are squeezing his butt like he didn’t care.

 

He wants to stop those hands, from wandering everywhere around his body and groping him _like it wasn’t a crime_ ; it was a crime, at least now.

 

Tears were brimming in his eyes as he reached his short arms back to stop the guy from doing this to him, trying to wriggle out of his clutches that sends a tighter grip to his inner thighs.

 

Lin Yanjun was strong, way stronger than Zhangjing was. He could not fight back but let him finish up his business before he left the room. A loud slam on his door as Yanjun screams in frustration from the lack of cooperation from Zhangjing.

 

This was just one of the many incidences that Zhangjing recalls and he regrets everything that ran through that night where they stopped giving each other the cold shoulder. He had thought the puzzles would fall to their correct places right after that. _On the other hand, it feels like someone had wrecked the whole puzzle and got him to piece them back again from the start._

 

_Messing it up every time he had tried to put them back together._

 

I could find a million reasons why I do not want to push him away.

 

_Ha._

 

Zhangjing breaks into silent laughter as he dresses himself with his loose tshirt and pants that were messily strewn on the floor just now.

 

Plopping down on his mattress on his stomach as he closed his eyes. A smile so foreign and fake disappearing into a frown that dipped the sides of his mouth lower than it should.

 

_When will this end?_

 

Zhangjing doesn’t want to admit, but it seems like Yanjun had taken a pill that changed him completely.

 

The dynamics of their relationship had been Zhangjing saying something and Yanjun agreeing to everything. They would forgo the occasional quarrels and disagreements as with every couple, but they patched things up quickly after with a reasonable compromise from both sides.

 

Even after they had given each other more space, from the time they would consider themselves as still thinking about it, Yanjun had always been forgiving, accommodating and still loving him. He was always on the losing end, somewhat timid to do anything, and Zhangjing just took that as he had loved him too much.

 

_But the Yanjun he sees now seems far from that._

 

Domineering, controlling and choosing everything by himself.

 

Part of him wants to convince himself that it was his fault that Yanjun ended up so distasteful. It was true, the reason and the sole reason for Yanjun’s 180 degree change was bottling up his feelings of frustration, stress from giving too much with nothing in return, _feeling like an empty shell._

 

Yet again, this Yanjun scares him too much.

 

They had known each other for at least a year, been a couple for a least a few months, but he has never seen this side of him.

 

He always had a chic and cold demeanor, shooting his mouth off and sometimes offending others, but never this _ridiculous_ and rude.

 

The whole situation was totally out of the world, Zhangjing had felt like he was treated like a _dog_ that had to listen and follow everything Yanjun wanted. The only thing holding him back and bursting from this rising anger within him was the final bit of self control left in him.

 

_He doesn’t like this at all._

 

Yes, he is to blame for driving Yanjun crazy. But it became too _painful_ , too unpleasant to be with him instead.

 

_Maybe, he just wishes Yanjun could disappear from his sight._

 

A guy blinded by love...driven by his own interests...that he forgot about listening to the most important person and the reason for everything he had done.

 

//

 

He used to love Yanjun placing an arm over his shoulder. They had been close friends, buddies and then lovers, he had felt safe under the protection of Yanjun.

 

Now, the arm ignites fear and he shudders with every slight movement, even though Yanjun was never violent towards him before.

 

_While his actions, and his words tell a different story._

 

Zhangjing could only bite his lip as he walk along the corridors, feeling small under the controlling hands where he feels compelled to crouch over as he whimpers in fear.

 

It wasn’t that Yanjun was doing anything different from how he was previously, at least in front of the other members.

 

He still smiled with that dimpled smile, cracked lame jokes that nobody laughed at, practised with the others like they always did.

 

_Behind the doors to his room, none of them knew what was going on._

 

Linong even congratulated them for patching things up again where Zhangjing only replied with a weak smile.

 

_Things only got worse, not better._

 

But the irony here was what Zhangjing had feared; Yanjun was turning into a beast, but Zhangjing could not push him away.

 

So many times that he endured the pain and moved on, _telling himself that it was alright for now, that time will heal everything, that it was his fault so he could blame no one._

 

All that follows him is an empty room with tear streaked cheeks, muffled crying sounds against his pillow.

 

_He had loved Yanjun more than he had imagined._

 

So he doesn’t want to push Yanjun away.

 

But Yanjun was getting out of hand.

 

_While it was too late to realise it, time does not turn back._

 

//

 

It’s a rare occasion that Yanjun is not beside him.

 

Yanjun was out of sight, in the midst of filming the advertisement of some make-up product he was endorsing by himself. Having a handsome face like his, Zhangjing knows that he’ll draw the crowd to buy whatever it was.

 

_Yet, it was a bitter smile that was plastered on his face._

 

He kind of got back with Yanjun, but things were just going awry.

 

Not many hours ago, Yanjun had asked him if he had wanted to watch him film his advertisement. That was something they were used to, chatting casually between filming breaks and admiring each other when the camera was focused on them.

 

This part of their relationship didn’t change, or perhaps it was Yanjun wanting him to stay close even if he had no schedule.

 

To that, Zhangjing had declined stating that he was not feeling well.

 

The reason being, it sounded more like a statement than a question, like Yanjun was expecting Zhangjing to be there, to which Zhangjing feels _nauseous_ just thinking about it.

 

He lies down on his bed, hand reaching upwards to grab the pillow above his head and holds it close to his chest.

 

Squeezing his eyes shut, hands pressing against the soft cushion as he inhales the manly scent still stuck on it from the frequent visitor to his room.

 

_He was out of sight, but not out of mind._

 

Yanjun had looked at him unpleasantly, opening his mouth wanting to say something, but closed it with a sigh and looked away before leaving him alone.

 

_Both of them were uncomfortable with this, yet they had not really spoken about it._

 

Zhangjing had tried to hold a proper conversation with him, but Yanjun tends to spring up random comments and shifts the attention away from the topic; _that_ topic, and making sure that they don’t revisit it again.

 

Then the cycle repeats itself; Zhangjing tries to bring in the idea of his feelings, Yanjun starts talking about something irrelevant, perhaps getting irritated, Zhangjing decides to shift the topic to later, _frequent sex to make up for these empty feelings and nothing gets resolved._

 

It seemed like a war had started, but compromise didn’t seem to come soon.

 

Having said that, he lets the Yanjun’s scent engulf him as he escapes the horrible feeling of running away; _both of them._

 

_Yanjun was not a scary person; he was just someone driven to the corner, by me. He has lost his mind, and it’s because of me._

_I want to rectify it, but I’m afraid._

_What am I afraid of? Not Yanjun, definitely. I can’t be afraid of him when I can’t bear to see him like this right?_

 

//

 

Zhangjing opens his eyes to a dark room, eyes squinting to adjust to the light from the round moon as he realises that it’s already night time. He must had dozed off halfway through sieving through his thoughts.

 

_Maybe, that was all for the better._

 

Yanjun has not come to look for him yet, so he runs his palm against his bedsheets in search for his phone in the dark.

 

He holds up the hard object in front of his face and presses the centre button that was too easy to find even in this darkness.

 

 _9.15pm_ , it reads, with a text message from Yanjun showing up.

 

**_Yanjun: Baby the photoshoot seems to be taking longer than expected, maybe 10 plus or so, just sleep first. I’ll be right beside you the first thing in the morning._ **

****

Groaning, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he trudged to the switch and turns on the lights.

 

He re-reads the message again and replies.

 

**_Zhangjing: Yeah_ **

 

Feeling still as perplexed as before, this message doing no good and no harm to him. It was neutral in that sense, but it reminded him of _him_.

 

His mind is in a whirl and he needs to seek help before the cycle repeats itself.

 

//

 

“Bro, you okay?” Ziyi asks, a gentle hand placed on his thigh to catch his attention as Zhangjing blinked in surprise, hesitating, shifting his eyes here and there as he contemplates how he should reply.

 

Going with his feelings would be the best, since he was already here, “no.”

 

Ziyi’s shoulders sagged as he heaved a loud sigh, yet the expression in his eyes are filled with concern, the grip on his leg tightens, “do you want to tell me about it?”

 

He smiles gratefully despite the dull pain that presses on his forehead, he feels weak, a headache making a grand entrance since the moment he had woken up from his nap.

 

Coming to Ziyi’s room when that guy was already preparing to sleep wasn’t the best choice. _But Ziyi had most willingly welcomed him in seeing him standing by the doorway, offered his hand to bring him in and even a shoulder should he need to cry._

 

Ziyi knew exactly what he needed now. Sometimes, Zhangjing feels too blessed to have such a good friend around him.

 

He had his long hair tied up in a neat ponytail, dressed comfortably in lose clothes but yet his sitting posture was not like his usual casual slouching kind; _he was sitting upright, like Zhangjing’s problem became his problem too._

 

Zhangjing bites on his lip as he thought about what he should say next.

 

_How could he just say what he was feeling? Since everything it seems, was just between him and Yanjun, nothing a third party could explain to them, right?_

 

He fidgets with his fingers, eyes caught on Ziyi’s bedpost with that intricate design, attention only on the unresolved issue at hand.

 

Eyes growing wetter the more he tries to think about it, silence swallowing him whole but yet allowing him to formulate his thoughts.

 

He feels a pair of comforting arms thrown over his body, a hand that guides his head to his chest as he weeps in Ziyi’s embrace.

 

The gentle patting on his head, soft stroking on his back, quiet humming and words that mean so much to him now, “ _it’s okay, let it all out_.”

 

He does, tears flowing like a tap as he holds out his arms and hugs Ziyi tightly just for more body contact, _more comfort_ , in this vulnerable state that he needs support to stop himself from collapsing.

 

Still, he keeps the crying silently under the safe arms of Ziyi, only after reaching the state of soft sobs and having enough _courage_ did he pull away while wiping away the tears using the back of his hand.

 

Ziyi watches him without a word, only expectant eyes hiding the uneasiness of the situation, mirroring the ugly expression on Zhangjing’s face.

 

_Post-crying, everyone looks like shit._

 

His heart speeds up and his tongue ties with his first try. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, he finally says it, “it’s Yanjun.”

 

Ziyi’s eyes stay unbothered by the content of his words, staying focused on Zhangjing’s condition and listening to every word he has to say.

 

He nods lightly, signalling that it was alright to continue.

 

Zhangjing looks at him with hesitant eyes before finally getting the courage to say what he had formed in his mind all this while.

 

“Just...I don’t know what’s happening between him and me. We didn’t actually fight but recently, _things are just heading in the wrong direction_.”

 

There was no obvious reaction from Ziyi, he was still looking as serious, so Zhangjing continues.

 

“I told him that my feelings for him didn’t... _it didn’t seem quite right_ ,” words jumping out of his mouth while his mind was still trying to form them into proper sentences.

 

“And that’s why you guys saw that we distanced ourselves for a while because we needed time to reconsider our relationship again. _But then-_ ,” he stops at his words, hesitating at telling Ziyi just every detail of his relationship because still, that was the _privacy_ of the both of them.

 

“ _Then_?” Ziyi questions with an eyebrow raised, seeing that Zhangjing has stopped his words halfway.

 

Zhangjing takes a deep breath before continuing, “we had sex again.”

 

Ziyi’s eyes widen just a little at the words, but yet he doesn’t say anything as he waited for Zhangjing to continue.

 

“I just didn’t expect it to spiral into a just-sex relationship. Quite a horrible one actually,” Zhangjing laughs with crestfallen eyes, before stopping with a frown.

 

“He became rather rude, much more controlling than before and _it’s uncomfortable_ ,” Zhangjing explains with hand actions that seemed to fit his words, “it’s not like what you guys see us on the surface. He became...like a different person,” Zhangjing says, eyes brimming with tears as he closes his eyes and hitches a breath, “ _I don’t know who he is anymore_.”

 

_Except I know that I still love him but I don’t want him to be like that._

 

Ziyi nods, listening to Zhangjing speak with bated breath. He looks away, finding interest in some part of his room while he lets Zhangjing gather his thoughts again.

 

However, there was something ambiguous about Ziyi’s expression that Zhangjing had noticed. Something _unusual_. While Ziyi was there to help him, he seemed a little too composed with this new information presented to him. Yes, he shouldn’t get too worked up for Zhangjing’s sake, but this was a bit too off.

 

Zhangjing continues to watch Ziyi, who seems lost in his own thoughts that he did not realise that Zhangjing had been looking at him, till they made eye contact again.

 

“You were saying,” Ziyi confirmed, hand doing the swirling motion as he searched for suitable words, “Yanjun had a drastic change in his personality.”

 

Careful eyes watching the timid ones on Zhangjing’s face, Zhangjing’s face burning like it was on fire from how he felt like even doing _this_ was wrong.

 

 _It had all started with him_.

 

He who became unsure of his feelings. He who jeopardised their relationship. He who agreed to this unsaid agreement between Yanjun and him. Now he, who’s seeking help for his own problem by escalating it to a third party.

 

Maybe, it’s wrong to share about this. In any case, it was a private matter, now it gets blown out of proportion.

 

_Yes, and it’s because of you, You Zhangjing. Because of you._

 

Sensing that Zhangjing was not going to continue speaking anytime soon, Ziyi decided to speak instead. _What had been bugging him all this while._

 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he lands a thoughtful hand on Zhangjing’s shoulder, “ _actually_...I saw him, saw the both of you, _you know, things didn’t look right_.”

 

He taps his fingers on his trapezius and Zhangjing saw that as a sign to look up, look into his eyes as he waited for him to continue.

 

Ziyi shakes his head and looks away, seemingly deep in thought even though he already knew what he was going to say next.

 

“ _I could see that you were uncomfortable when he was beside you but you never told me anything about it_ ,” he says, as Zhangjing swallows that bitter taste building up in his mouth, “I didn’t want to ask you anything but it seems like it’s out of control now.”

 

Zhangjing closes his eyes to which a stray tear falls on his face, landing near his reddened cheek and Ziyi reaches out a hand instinctively to wipe it away.

 

“ _It was my fault_ ,” Zhangjing states, voice quivering in guilt, perhaps _fear_ of what was the truth.

 

Ziyi shakes his head as he watches the next streak flowing down his face, wiping it again with his thumb.

 

 Through his unclear vision, Ziyi’s eyes seemed wet, eyes squinting a bit too much and looking emotional in such a way Zhangjing would not expect. He blinks away the tears, allowing this thought disappear for just a while.

 

“I was the one who made him like this. He was all too accommodating, he did whatever he could to salvage this relationship, salvage _us_ , but yet I was the one driving him to the corner and now he becomes, so _foreign_.”

 

Ziyi looks down while his grip on Zhangjing’s shoulder tightens.

 

“I just wished, I didn’t do anything like this. Anything like this to hurt him so much, that makes him, _I don’t know!_ ” Zhangjing looks away with a loud sigh, shutting his eyes to think, think about the words he had just used. _Self-blame. That was all he could do now. Regrets. All he could feel._

 

Zhangjing felt like he was at wits end, reaching for the soft locks of hair on his head and pulled on the strands that he could grab. _Face wet, body shaking, curling himself up into a ball, hoping the world could swallow him whole and restart everything again._

 

“ _It’s not entirely your fault, Zhangjing_ ,” Ziyi comforts, pulling away Zhangjing’s arm to stop him from hurting himself in his pathetic state, but Zhangjing’s hold was stronger today.

 

_When things go awry, people can end up doing anything._

 

Ziyi yanks away that hand forcefully, in a way he had almost wished that he did not have to _hurt_ Zhangjing in this manner to stop him from hurting himself.

 

Today was not any ordinary day.

 

Zhangjing being so vulnerable in front of him, sharing his thoughts, after hiding all these from him this whole while, thinking no one else could see it.

 

A problem Zhangjing had thought only seemed to exist between just himself and Yanjun, never expecting it to be seen.

 

If others had not cared, they would not have seen it.

 

_No one had cared this much, except for him._

 

He saw through everything that the couple was trying to hide.

 

_Yet he himself was hiding so much._

_Nobody knew about him._

 

When Zhangjing had found him at this timing of the night, an unexpected guest he would never have thought would approach him and he would _welcome_ , he knows that even if he was not present physically, he would have been on his mind.

 

_His problem became his problem, too. Just that the guy didn’t know, at all._

 

It pained him to see him suffer, he wanted to approach him, to comfort him, to help him, but remains helpless.

 

_Who am I to say anything?_

 

Ziyi had not uttered a word, his face crumpled up in a way that Zhangjing had never seen before.

 

His bro was always a calm and collected person, even if he did get angry, _it was not like this_.

 

The ugly look on his face leaving a million questions on his head, _was Ziyi feeling too much for him after listening to his story?_

 

He opens his mouth wanting to say something, hand raised almost holding on to Ziyi’s to ask, yet, Ziyi’s grasp on his hand was quicker.

 

A warmth presses against his lips, _foreign_ , different from what he was used to, something Zhangjing doesn’t know.

 

His hand clenched in a fist under Ziyi’s huge palm, through his peripheral vision he watches a stream of tears falling onto _his_ cheeks.

 

He was not just the only vulnerable one here. Ziyi was, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My own work of fiction pains my heart, someone send help please.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 人家喜欢你，你就要喜欢他吗？你喜欢的人是我，不可以喜别人。  
> (When someone likes you, must you like him back? I'm the one you like, you cannot like others.)
> 
> The iconic Yanjun line that the Yanjun here had no courage to say.

It’s so easy.

 

How Professor Utonium in the Powerpuff Girls cartoon had mixed ‘sugar, spice, and everything nice’ to create the best possible result ever. _Even the addition of that stupid ‘Chemical X’ had turned out well._

 

Zhangjing is not comparing himself to the three cute girls made up of magic in something just make believe.

 

Yet, the ‘sugar, spice and everything nice’ thrown to him, love, love and _more love_ , tumbles his life upside down.

 

_Was the ‘Chemical X’ what he had lacked?_

 

Something out of the ordinary, something unexpected, to give him a better life to live?

 

Was wanting love really causing more harm than good?

 

_If that ‘Chemical X’ was never spilled into the equation, would the girls end up as miserable as he is?_

 

Stupid things that you dream of when you’re not conscious.

 

Zhangjing is not aware of how he unconsciously started comparing himself to a cartoon.

 

The most absurd question that surfaced wakes Zhangjing up from his sleep.

 

Somehow the morning light was not as glaring as he had thought, _or was it?_ He couldn’t care less.

 

The last thing playing in his mind is the theme song of that cartoon he had watched as a kid, it was all thanks to that that he woke up.

 

Groaning, he throws an arm over his forehead, blaming the odd thought of something _so absurd_ being such an asshole in the morning. Turning his body to a more comfortable position, he then feels an unexpected weight placed over his waist.

 

Flashes of what happened the night before comes back to him in incomplete pieces, his heart thumping faster and faster, blood rushing to his brain to think, _think_ and think clearer. He knows what he feels was pointing to guilt, blaming him while his brain shuts off its most logical reasoning for a while.

 

Yet his reflex mechanism work faster than his conscious reply, his body jolting up in surprise, or rather, _shock_ of what could have happened.

 

“Zhangjjng...,” a faint voice appears from behind him, somewhat muffled but definitely making him more confused from the horrible thoughts filling his mind, he almost turns around and replies Ziyi.

 

His mouth already shaped in a small ‘o’, his eyes widened to deal with a burgeoning problem, yet his gaze fall onto the blue shade of hair falling over his eyes, the dips at the side of his cheeks that Zhangjing knows that’s where the dimples would be.

 

“You had a bad dream?” Yanjun says, sitting up, speaking in monotone with the eyebags under his eyes an obvious indication of a lack of sleep.

 

For that moment, Zhangjing could not speak a word as he remembered; _Finally remembered_ what actually happened.

 

That notification that showed up on his phone.

 

Ziyi’s ambiguous expression when he found an excuse to break away.

 

“Baby I’m home in five.”

 

Running out of the door, and almost tripping on his legs while leaving in a frenzy.

 

_Oh._

“Yeah, I’m fine...,” Zhangjing mentioned not so convincingly, Yanjun in the mood to push him to the corner and ask him to speak up, yet he chose to keep his mouth shut.

 

Yanjun held on to his wrist, _for whatever reason it may be_ , and then glancing at the clock, “we have practice today. I think we should get up.”

 

To that, they get dressed and leave.

 

Zhangjing knows what he wants. Zhangjing knows what needs to be done.

 

There is a need to set things right with Ziyi today.

 

//

 

To him, his feelings are clear as water.

 

He knows, from _his_ actions, _his_ words, and a strong hunch, Ziyi knows very well what _he_ wants.

 

Yet, rejecting someone just because you don’t reciprocate their affection is not an easy task.

 

The Ziyi, who understands him, and stays by his side in times of trouble. The Ziyi, whom he loves and treasure so much as a friend, someone that brings him laughter, calms down his anger, being a strong pillar of support. The Ziyi, _that Ziyi_ , whom he never knew had liked him that way.

 

He had never wanted things to turn out as such but he understands that life is full of unexpected twists and turns. This is just one of them.

 

While he contemplates on whether he should do a straight up rejection, or just leave things hanging, _oh no, that will make the both of us miserable._

So a rejection?

 

_How?_

 

He searches the words he should use so it doesn’t turn out too bad, _should I go a whole roundabout or just say it directly?_

 

_Okay so I pull him aside and what if someone else hears it? Things will get more awkward..._

_What if..., even if I try to put things nicely, his feelings will still be hurt regardless?_

 

Trying to practise for a performace is easy, but trying to practise _without any distractions_ is the most difficult task.

 

Zhangjing has been stealing too many glances in Ziyi’s direction, even if it doesn’t concerns him _where he is standing, whether he’s following the music, what expression is written on his face._

 

When they do have eye contact through the mirror, Zhangjing is the first to break it. He doesn’t want to find out what the expression of those eyes mean.

 

Too caught up with _avoiding_ , he misses a step and falls to the ground.

 

Did it hurt? _No._ He got up immediately, with an overly concerned Yanjun fussing over his arm and the others talking too much that his ears hurt.

 

“Guys, I think we should have a break,” Xukun mentions with a serious expression, eyeing Zhangjing and he nods.

 

When it was just the two of them, Zhangjing assures Yanjun that he is alright, and then finds a reason to slip to the washroom alone.

 

He had just wanted to escape from his guilt that shamed him even though things are not exactly his fault.

 

Walking in steps faster than he knew how to, running for _whatever reason_ , to which he heard quick footsteps behind him and a tug on his wrist.

 

“I’m sorry,” words that were said with all honesty and conviction, earnest emotions laced with every word that didn’t seem to falter.

 

Zhangjing turns around to the taller guy, holding an unpleasant expression and speaking with a deep voice, “can we talk?”

 

He doesn’t realise how his eyes has been overflowing with emotions, the brown reflection over his pupils, the uneasiness of his breaths and the rubbing of his thumb against the side of his pants, “okay.”

 

//

 

Unlike the one that they were practising in earlier, this room was much smaller, had only one wall mirror and a stack of chairs at the corner.

 

A musty smell in the air indicating the collection of dust on the floor, unused for too long, Zhangjing standing close to the mirror while Ziyi pushed the door shut.

 

Despite the closeness of their friendship, the gap between them where Ziyi chose to stand indicated the respect for the needed space between them.

 

Still silence all around, Ziyi slowly losing the courage he had when he dragged Zhangjing in, while Zhangjing was getting nervous as the clock keeps ticking.

 

_If they had continued to prolong this silence, they would be found out sooner or later._

 

Much as he hated being the first, he had needed this to put his mind at ease.

 

Zhangjing makes a sound, like he was clearing his throat to catch Ziyi’s attention. It does catch Ziyi’s attention.

 

“Ziyi, you’re really a good person,” he starts off, while Ziyi watches him with nervous eyes, shaking hands that he had to hold onto his shirt to stop them from moving.

 

Still, he keeps his composure and smiles. As if smiling would do any good to this situation, anything better to his feelings, _because he knows what he’s going to say next._

 

“You’ve been a very, very good friend to me, someone I trust a lot,” Zhangjing continues, forcing air out of his lungs as he took a deep breath to slow his racing heart. He licks his lips in trepidation, eyes blinking a bit too often, while he keeps his attention on Ziyi.

 

“But Ziyi, I just-,”Zhangjing’s eyes set straight for Ziyi’s, while his words get caught in his tongue. Ziyi completes the sentence for him, “I know.”

 

There is a forlorn expression on his face despite the smile he was trying to hold up. His mouth quivers and he pushes a lump back into his throat. The bitter taste building up in his mouth disappearing as he tries to replace them with sweet memories from what he could remember of their friendship.

 

Ziyi would not show Zhangjing this side of him. Yesterday was a mistake, it shouldn’t happen again, _right?_

 

He shut his eyes to block out the worried look on Zhangjing’s face, _he was feeling guilty_ , while Zhangjing was also feeling guilty for everything that happened.

 

_I wasn’t trying to make your life more difficult, Zhangjing...I just couldn’t control myself seeing you just like that._

 

He knows what Zhangjing is thinking now and he hates it.

 

“I’m sorry,” Zhangjing utters, Ziyi scowls to those words.

 

Precisely, the words he really didn’t want to hear. Zhangjing is blaming himself. Ziyi wants to take all the blame for his wrongdoings.

 

“No!” Ziyi replies, voice sharp, placing both his palms on Zhangjing’s shoulder, stepping closer, “don’t blame yourself. You know, and I know, this only concerns me. It’s not your fault.”

 

Whether Zhangjing had actually heard him wasn’t the main issue here. All Ziyi could care about was that the shorter guy had pulled this giant in for a hug.

 

_Just like how Ziyi had comforted him, he is now returning the kind gesture to him._

 

A gentle palm patting him on his back, the small tiptoe he knew for the little guy to be tall enough to fit his head nicely on his shoulders.

 

_Even if this was not love, Ziyi was grateful._

 

For being his friend, for being by his side, for not leaving him alone.

 

For comforting him even though it was all his fault. For shouldering the blame even if he didn’t have to. For just being there, physically, _Ziyi knows that this would be the last time, before they leave the room as just friends._

 

He knew what he had to do, what was best to do, yet, he chooses the easy way out. _The last opportunity._

 

So he calls out, “Zhangjing.”

 

A name he had heard of umpteen times, but it hits a nerve in Zhangjing. This was new and different from the usual ‘bro’ Ziyi usually addressed him.

 

A rare occasion, this was only the third time Ziyi had called him by this name. First was when he had introduced himself to Ziyi and he repeated it to check if he had heard correctly; second yesterday, when he lost his shit upon seeing Zhangjing so vulnerable; third, _perhaps last_ , now. At the edge of the cliff, between the possibility of being anything more than friends, and being just one of his other buddies.

 

Ziyi has cupped his cheek, pressing his huge palms onto the cute buns on his face while he holds back the tears and puts on a smile.

 

Watching Ziyi’s eyes, a mix of adoration and disappointment.

 

“One last time,” he says, words almost tumbling over each other because from his nervousness, “one last time, and I’ll see you as a friend tomorrow, _alright_?” He adds on a “please” to those words, like the last bit that needed to complete an equation; just as for Ziyi, who needed just this one last time to finally give up, to distance himself from things that will never happen.

 

_Why?_

 

Ziyi finds himself asking when Zhangjing nods his head lightly, adding his always beautiful sunshine smile to this request, _something so out of the world and immoral_ , something that Ziyi wants to ask himself again and again _for what? How would he be willing to agree to such a thing?_

 

He knows clearly that Zhangjing does not like him that way, which makes it even more obvious the reason behind why he had agreed; _Zhangjing does love him very much, as a friend._

 

_The friendship they would not let go of, even after this._

 

Ziyi smiles knowing the reason, delighted from knowing this silent wish from the both of them, shifting his head closer for lips to touch.

 

Light, sweet, emotional; the feelings that Ziyi wanted to show Zhangjing, _whether or not it had meant anything more than what he knew._

 

Whether it was just light grazing of lips, whether the commotion outside the room was of any distraction, _whether it was Zhangjing responding for just that few seconds to his actions_ , this was already paradise for Ziyi, and _he wouldn’t have asked for more_.

 

Separating from the kiss on a pleasant note, Zhangjing had left the room first, to a bright smile on both their faces despite the dull pain behind those useless expressions, that small tinge of guilt stuck on his chest that he had quickly pushed off, _of the possible wavering of his heart even if it was just a slight bit._

 

Those do not matter anymore. _All that matters is that their friendship will go on._

 

//

 

With one problem off his mind, Zhangjing hopes to enjoy his dinner, _food_ , with all peace and enjoyment.

 

It was all takeaway food, but at least there was a huge variety of Chinese dishes that he couldn’t care less about the quality, _all that mattered was the quantity and variety_ placed in front of his face.

 

Salted egg chicken, stir fried kai lan vegetables, ginseng chicken soup, steamed fish and his favourite Ah Ma Chili that completes the whole meal; _a mouth watering feast_.

 

Food was enticing, but he couldn’t eat in peace.

 

Not because ChengCheng and Justin are bickering over ChengCheng spilling the food sauces on the table. Not because Zhengting is scolding them for being so noisy and further adding on to the commotion. Not because Ziyi was watching the quarrel with a gentle smile on his face as he stuffed his mouth with rice.

 

It was the uncomfortable sensation riding up his thighs every few seconds. Fingers, the hand he knew so well, grazing and touching and rubbing and grabbing while he has to pluck the hand off from his body, which comes back again and again.

 

Zhangjing was mad, knowing exactly who the culprit was, but precisely because it was _him_ , Zhangjing didn’t know what to do.

 

He had hated it, hated _this_ , he knew Yanjun was clever enough to know. But his actions never seemed to stop.

 

He wants to push Yanjun away again, but yet he doesn’t, he wants to be close to Yanjun, _just not in this manner._

 

Muttering a “please stop,” under his breath and despite the loud quarrel exchange over the table, he swears that Yanjun had only retaliated with a firmer grip on his thigh.

 

He uses more strength to break free, but not far, he is still sitting beside him while pushing his hand away.

 

Too distracted by his actions, Zhangjing’s attention was on the hand on his body, even though his head was turned away, eyes not even looking at Yanjun.

 

_Please stop. Please stop, Yanjun._

 

Thank god, he was saved by the loud slam of chopsticks on the dining table, unlike his indecisive thinking. Everyone’s attention placed onto _him, the culprit_.

 

Without a word, Ziyi strode towards him looking as if he was burning with fire, his arm being grabbed by sheer force and the words that Ziyi had said repeating in him as he followed the guy to the kitchen obediently, “Zhangjing and I have to wash the dishes.”

 

The most absurd excuse from how they were not even done with their food and they had wanted to wash the dishes?

 

Ziyi had no time to come up with another explanation while the kids were in a heated discussion of what Ziyi’s actions and words had meant.

 

Yanjun on the other hand, looked worse than his usual resting bitch face. Furious, blood boiling as he walked over to the two and pulled onto Zhangjing’s arm, hard and _painful_.

 

“Let go of his hand. I have something to discuss with Zhangjing, _now_ ,” a sarcastic tone filled with much displeasure.

 

Ziyi’s hand on Zhangjing’s arm loosened, letting the arm fall beside his body while they relied on talking with his eyes.

 

_Are you okay with going with him?_

 

Zhangjing’s fearful eyes that replied him, _I’ll have to, I’ll be fine_.

 

Zhangjing being dragged out of the door, seven pairs of eyes watching him with worry.

 

//

 

A place covered with shadows of swaying trees, sound of crickets chirping, a pathway barely lit and _memories of you and I, whenever we walk along this route._

 

_The same steps we take together, the same direction, slower than his usual pace, but faster than my usual pace, the way we would match each other well just like that._

 

Now it’s just a rushed trampling of the ground below them, like they had to go to somewhere fast, but Zhangjing doesn’t know where Yanjun is bringing him.

 

He doesn’t need to bring him anywhere, they had passed the lookout point of the park, several benches, Zhangjing almost stepping on a snail and falling on a trail of red ants. Yanjun was behaving as such.

 

Only an abrupt stop right in front of the place the both of them know best, a hand pulling his wrist back so that he could face him, the bright light from the lamppost beside the swings telling them that today, it was lit.

 

_Bright, but was their future together as bright as this?_

 

Zhangjing could only ponder as he watches the reflection of light from Yanjun’s brown irises, painting it a soft colour despite the rough look on his face now.

 

Like a thunder brewing over his head, lips pressed as his grip tightens on his wrist.

 

Zhangjing could feel a strong gust of wind blowing against his cheek, messing up his soft locks of hair, the same goes for Yanjun. But only thing that his mind could read now was the unpleasant look on Yanjun’s face and the increasing pressure set on his wrist.

 

Nervousness setting in as he is unsure of what Yanjun wants to do. Yanjun was angry, that was for sure, from the deep valley between his eyebrows. _But what else? What was he going to say?_

 

_By any chance, did he find out about Ziyi?_

_Shit._

Pregnant silence between them meant that something was obviously wrong. Unbearable. _They were supposed to talk._

 

Remembering that it was a rare chance for them to perhaps settle things or at least turn things in the right direction, courage found Zhangjing deciding to say something, just so things can get going.

 

Nothing came out of his lips. Not that he didn’t know what he was going to say, but something went in instead. Firm, much more decisive than what he had wanted to do.

 

Lips pressed onto his, tongue pushing in, fast, _unplanned_ , emotional.

 

What feelings Yanjun was trying to show him, what emotions he was trying to let out, Zhangjing had to figure it out as he fought back the urge to just pretend that this was all just simple kiss shared by a couple in love.

 

_They were in love, but love is complicated._

 

He found the similarity to what Yanjun had given him in this sex-only relationship, yet it seems very much different, like the purpose was to pain him, but not physically.

 

Maybe it was it was his own thoughts that had triggered him, _guilt, regret, and love_ , come crashing to him at once even though Yanjun has not spoken a single word about what _this_ meant. Only his mind was spelling out the whole situation for him and Zhangjing wished he could reject those thoughts and run away. _Hide._

 

_Zhangjing, you cannot be a coward anymore. With Yanjun, with Ziyi, stop hiding. Please._

 

With the sheer force of pushing away those thoughts, escaping the fear of facing everything, his heart crumbles down into pieces, tears falling from his face like an open tap.

 

It was the pain of everything that was started by himself that crashed down into debris.

 

_He had promised not to cry at times of sadness, but this was not just sadness. It was distress._

 

It was the wet tears that blurred his vision, but it was the lost of feeling on his lips that he knew that Yanjun had stopped kissing him.

 

_The feeling of empty._

A new gush of tears find its way down his cheeks, while Yanjun, he saw, but he didn’t act on it, standing there idly as if he wasn’t supposed to be concerned with it. Yet his expression gave him away, _shifting eyes,_ not from anger, but from the urge of showing his concern, what he was trying hard to suppress.

 

_He had never once stopped loving Zhangjing. He swears what he sees now is nothing better than stabbing his heart with a sword._

 

Still, it was Zhangjing who had spoken up first.

 

“Yanjun, why?” the words spill from his mouth more weakly than he had tried to say it, “why have you become like this?”

 

Yanjun stares at him nonchalantly, in a way that makes Zhangjing shifts from how uncomfortable he feels.

 

“You know it too. That I hate the things you do to me. _Why,_ Yanjun, do you keep repeating it?”

 

It sounded more like a plea than a question, from the way his voice is low but filled with emotion, from how he had tried to look into Yanjun’s eyes, how he had stepped closer to the lion’s den.

 

“ _I love you_ ,” Zhangjing adds, this was the truth, _the truth will set you free_. After thinking and mulling all this while, this was the only thing that he needed to say.

 

But what he receives was an unfeeling smirk on Yanjun’s face.

 

The dimples that do not exist, covered up with a sly smile that he could not decipher.

 

_Didn’t Yanjun hope to hear this all this while?_

 

“You love me? Was that what you found out after this long break?” Yanjun looks away still, with that cold look on his face. So foreign that it brings chills to Zhangjing’s spine.

 

He nods feverently, holding on to Yanjun’s hand, hoping his actions speak louder than the words Yanjun didn’t seem to hear.

 

“Who are you kidding?” He doesn’t slip his hand away, yet he fixes his gaze on something non-existent, like he was just avoiding trouble, trouble being giving in from looking at that Zhangjing face right in front of him.

 

Zhangjing was stunned by his words, too sudden for him to understand, too dangerous to ask more.

 

Still, nothing will get resolved if he chooses to run. So he stays, “ _what do you mean? I love you_.”

 

Yanjun refused to react to the second pledge of his love, even though it had pushed a button in him. This was precisely what he had wished for all this while. _But it was too late._

 

The sweet romance, simple love that Yanjun had wanted. He guessed that nothing could turn back time. _Zhangjing was no longer the same already_.

 

“Ziyi,” he says firmly, looking away again because the sight of Zhangjing’s forlorn look brings tears to his eyes, which he needs to fight harshly against, “How could you be two timing and yet still put on this innocent facade? Zhangjing I love you, you know it, but if you choose to exploit it and make use of me, I am really disappointed in you.”

 

Voice growing louder as he spoke.

 

_Lin Yanjun, you cannot cave in again. Don’t just think about Zhangjing, please spare a thought for yourself too._

 

“I am _not_ ,” Zhangjing says firmly, _fuck those puppy eyes,_ Yanjun thinks _._ Now Yanjun knows, he knows about Ziyi, maybe hiding it was not of much use when the news still ended up with him.

 

“You Zhangjing, this method of yours is not going to work on me today,” Yanjun doesn’t wish to challenge Zhangjing with that, but this is an issue huge enough to make or break them. Even if he doesn’t want to see or know anything about Ziyi’s involvement with him, hiding from the truth will do none of them any good.

 

To that, Zhangjing keeps shaking his head and replies a “Yanjun, you’re mistaken” on repeat.

 

_It was not like things were going to get better in this argument with no end._

 

Yanjun decided to present him the facts, “you guys kissed. _Fuck_ , how do you want me to feel about this?”

 

Rage. Jealously. Pain. That was what Zhangjing could hear in his words that sends a waterfall down his face again.

 

_Everything has gone wrong._

 

He holds onto Yanjun’s hand tighter, squeezing it and telling him, “I don’t feel that way for Ziyi. I only love _you_ , and only you, Yanjun.”

 

_Those words don’t work, Yanjun is not convinced_. His eyes can see perfectly fine, he knows what he saw, and he would rather trust it more than his boyfriend who keeps pushing him away.

 

When silence is his reply, Zhangjing’s explaining doing no good, he brings in the third party.

 

“Okay, fine. We kissed but that was because Ziyi had confessed to me, _he likes me_ , but I’ve already made it clear to him that we’ll only stay as friends. He agreed.”

 

_Maybe this will work._

 

But Yanjun’s reply tells him otherwise, “that guy has been overly concerned about you, yet you just reciprocate his actions?”

 

_Ridiculous._

 

Zhangjing wants to smash his head against the wall from how Yanjun is not going to get what he is saying, _that guy was stubborn as a bull_ , and has practically closed off both his eyes and ears to this conversation.

 

Despite the fact that it could be the anger that had smothered _his_ rational thinking. Zhangjing still had to reflect on all the hurt that he had caused him. Surely, Zhangjjng had a greater part to play in all this, _Yanjun acting like this was still because of him_.

 

Zhangjing doesn’t want to shrink responsibility, but no matter how, nothing seems to get into Yanjun’s brain.

 

Yanjun was closing his eyes, closing his heart, closing his mind. To everything, and anything Zhangjing had to say.

 

_Trust was broken._ _He was broken. Because of me._

 

Zhangjing held onto Yanjun’s hand in hopes that he could read his mind, the one year plus of friendship and love would allow telepathy to take over, for Yanjun to understand and forgive, but that was just useless hope.

 

“人家喜欢你，你就要喜欢他吗？” Irrational words flying out of his mouth. Words that need not be spoken, words that he was fighting against, words that he hoped wasn’t true.

 

(Translation: When someone likes you, must you like him back?)

 

“你喜欢的人是我,”he swallows the lump of his throat and fixed his gaze on Zhangjing’s, “不是吗？” The last three words trailing off from the uncertainty of the answer. _Please, Zhangjing. I’m dying so much on the inside._

 

(Translation: I’m the one you like...isn’t it?)

 

“Yanjun...,” sounding like he was begging, _like he was sorry_ , that was what Yanjun had dreaded to hear. _He wants to skip this part of his life, leave this conversation and pretend that it never happened._

 

Pretend that everything was fine. Pretend that they were just in their own world. Pretend that there was just love between them.

 

Not like the thousand and one feelings that they experience right now. From the exchange of words, sharing of facts, communicating their opinions.

 

_The grip on his wrist, as much as Yanjun wanted him to hold on longer, sometimes things just do not turn out that way._

 

When it is time to let go, you’ll have to let it go.

 

Much to Zhangjing’s shock, Yanjun flings off his wrist, turned his back to him and walks away.

 

The night is quiet, besides the occasional chirp of crickets, the only other sound Yanjun could hear was the fall of his own tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are reaching the end of this story soon, perhaps another 2 chapters or so. Hope you enjoyed this story! :)
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, thank you!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for following this story despite the lack of updates ;) 
> 
> As usual, this Zhangjun fic is killing me but I still love them.

“You _what_?!”

 

Yanjun didn’t come to Zhengting’s room to hear the younger guy bellow into his ear. He thought he was right. He thought he was the victim. He thought he deserved _better_ than being scolded.

 

“ _Ting_ , I think I loved him too much,” Yanjun mutters, body slumped against the bedpost, head supported by the wall as forlorn look on his face made Zhengting guilty for raising his voice earlier.

 

_Maybe not._

 

“Then why the _fuck_ did you make him cry?!” Zhengting’s voice was sharp, loud like he always was, _which was always the case anyway_ unless he was beside his boyfriend Xukun.

 

While Zhengting’s gaze was glazed with worry for Yanjun, expression mirroring his, his stupid loud voice made Yanjun want to slap him. Sometimes he hated that Zhengting was the next person he was closest to in the group besides Zhangjing. Someone more calm such as _his best friend’s boyfriend_ would be more useful in such a situation.

 

Regardless, Yanjun found a reason to fight back.

 

“ _Oh boy_ , he was the one who was cold then hot _then he fucking betrayed me_. Why the hell are you siding with him?!”

 

 _Yeah._ Yanjun regrets having Zhengting as a friend. For all he knows he’s closer to Zhangjing than he is to him. _Yeah._

 

He is exasperated enough, breaths heavy through his gritted teeth as he searched for a reason to calm down. Definitely not because of the person he is thinking about, and definitely not the person in front of him. _He needs to find something else to force him to cool down._

 

“Did you even hear his side of the story?” Zhengting asks, tone covered with concern even though Zhengting was almost giving up from how stubborn Yanjun was.

 

For the past hour, he had tried to break that icy cold wall that Yanjun for some reason was building, after coming into Zhengting’s room uninvited and with a sentence held on his lips, “ _Ting, I’m dying_.”

 

When he finally revealed the reason, Yanjun kept circling around the fact that Zhangjing and Ziyi kissed, Zhangjing being cold to him and _his insecurities_. Does Zhangjing still love me? Does Zhangjing not realise that I love him? Is he in love with Ziyi? Why doesn’t he tell me anything?

 

“Did you even ask him? Lin Yanjun, _I ask you_ , did you even clarify with him?”

 

To this, Yanjun already had an impulsive response at the edge of his tongue. He only needed to open his mouth for the words to bounce off like ping pong balls. _Precisely, the primary reason why humans listen to other humans speak is to return a reply._

 

Yanjun is different. A learned child, he reads widely, and _he remembered_ , listen not to reply. Listen to understand.

 

He understands, so he closes his mouth.

 

Digests the words.

 

_You’re right._

 

He lifts his head from the wall, looking at Zhengting, guilt-tripped, tears forming in his eyes even though he guessed that he is not in the wrong.

 

“Zhengting _, I just pushed him away_ ,” Yanjun spoke, voice quivering as he held back the tears that threatened to fall.

 

_It’s not my fault, I should not cry over such matter, right?_

 

“I didn’t ask him to clarify.”

 

“Then do,” Zhengting says, forming a reassuring smile as he reaches out a hand to lightly touch his head, patting it like he was a little child, _well_ , Zhengting was a mum to all the members whether they were younger or older than him.

 

Relaxing his shoulders, enjoying this bit of comfort that his best friend could give him, the gentle touching of his hair.

 

Sometimes, Zhengting was useful as such.

 

Yet, it doesn’t stop silent tears from flowing. Perhaps it was because he felt like this was all his fault. Perhaps it was because _he felt loved_ , even if it wasn’t from his boyfriend. _Perhaps it was just both that hit him altogether._

 

//

 

Yanjun’s on the phone with his manager while he walks out of Zhengting’s apartment, spotting Ziyi by the corridor.

 

“Noted BaoBao Ying, see you tomorrow,” he puts down the phone, carrying the same serious expression on his face, just adding that bit more of displeasure the moment Ziyi appeared in front of him.

 

“Oi!” He calls out, Ziyi turning back towards the source of the sound, “You sure we have nothing to talk about?”

 

His voice sarcastic although it tried to be threatening, while Ziyi saw it as no threat, breaking out into a smug expression before returning a, “ _sure, let’s talk_.”

 

Tension rose while Yanjun strode to Ziyi, with each steady step, Yanjun had gritted his teeth and hissed at the sight of the person he _hated_ most. Grabbing him by the collar and pinning him along the corridor.

 

Yanjun was getting angrier by the second, from how Ziyi didn’t seem to give a _shit_ about his sudden confrontation. Except that he wasn’t in the most comfortable position now and he wanted a way out.

 

“Bro, _calm down_ ,” he says, pushing Yanjun away lightly, but to no avail. He was just giving Yanjun a chance. If he wanted, he would have enough strength to escape Yanjun’s grip. But seeing how the other guy looked incredibly _disheveled_ , obviously not thinking clearly and _even afraid_ , he decided not to go too far.

 

They were teammates and friends after all.

 

“How the _fuck_ do you want me to calm down after you kissed Zhangjing? He’s my boyfriend, _not yours_ ,” he was impatient, angry, _exhausted_ , yet he wanted to sound like he knew what he was saying, although he wasn’t actually sure.

 

_He’s my boyfriend, not yours._

But is it still like this?

 

Yanjun was worried. His grip on Ziyi tightened even though his hands were trembling more than ever. Ziyi saw it immediately, but kept the smile to himself.

 

There was nothing to smile about.

 

It was in fact, something sad. Zhangjing had avoided Yanjun for reasons that he doesn’t know. Yanjun keeps pushing himself onto Zhangjing, thinking that it helps. It helps him, _but what about Zhangjing?_

 

To Ziyi, _Zhangjing was more important_. Even if he wasn’t the chosen one, he would want the guy to be happy with what he has. To be with who he likes. Being _comfortable_ , feeling loved adequately, but not in a suffocating way. Yanjun was giving him the wrong things.

 

Ziyi wanted to laugh. Laugh at how stupid Yanjun was. If he had tried, if he had a better brain, things between him and Zhangjing wouldn’t be so complicated. Ziyi wouldn’t even try to make the first move, as long as Zhangjing was happy.

 

But Yanjun was the primary cause of Zhangjing feeling so unpleasant, Ziyi wanted to be the one to comfort him. _To love him._

 

While he didn’t get the affection back from Zhangjing like what he wanted, he doesn’t blame Zhangjing. All he hoped for is the guy to return to his bubbly happy self. Not tortured by the complication of his own relationship. With the person who was being violent towards him.

 

“Bro,” _to be honest_ , the mention of the name irks both of them; it sounds too casual for Ziyi to mention it, it’s annoying for Yanjun to hear it.

 

A scowl shows on both their faces before Ziyi continues, bringing Yanjun back to where he needs to rectify.

 

Moreover, _it all started because of him._

 

“Did you even hear Zhangjing out? Did he mention that he likes me?” Ziyi asks, the words piercing through his heart, reminding him, _yes_ , Zhangjing loves Yanjun, not you. Yet he guessed, that is why he was so important in Zhangjing’s life. He has succumbed to suppressing his feelings, putting on a smile and being the nice guy; trying to mend back the torn relationship between his love, and his love’s boyfriend.

 

It _hurts_ him on the inside but he knows this is right; at least, he will let them try.

 

He senses the grip on his collar loosen, his gaze eventually faltering and he let go of Ziyi.

 

Yanjun doesn’t reply. He just stood there in silence, eyes fixated on an empty spot on the wall. Anywhere except Ziyi’s eyes. _Why?_

 

Because he thinks that if he meets them, he feels inferior to the guy before him; maybe, he was more suited for Zhangjjng; _maybe, Zhangjing deserves someone better than me._

 

Now it was Ziyi’s turn, pushing Yanjun, holding his chin up to force the guy to look at him; no matter how afraid, no matter how much he was trying to hide.

 

“Bro, Zhangjing loves you, _I know_. I will step aside if it makes him happy _but if you keep acting like that, you’re too dangerous for him_.”

 

Yanjun watches his gaze, strong, _too strong_ , like protection over his boyfriend. _He hated that gaze._

 

“Be nice to him. _Otherwise_ , I will take over,” he continues, removing his hands from Yanjun’s collar, both looking definitely displeased with each other.

 

Yanjun adjusts his shirt and walks to his room in a huff, slamming the front door behind him.

 

//

 

The phone call he had received the night before was to remind him of his overseas commercial shooting the next day.

 

There he was, on a flight to Hong Kong.

 

Miles away from his teammates, his problems, _his Zhangjing_ , a commercial shooting came just at the right time, when he needed a break from all this mess.

 

Zhangjing because more of a headache than a love now, from how complicated they thought the relationship was. With Ziyi added into the picture, things got worse.

 

He needed some time to cool off, some time to think. Although he was worried about Ziyi’s advances on Zhangjing while he was away, he somehow finds relief in the guy’s words the day before.

 

_The only way he could be with Zhangjing was to stop being too much to Zhangjing._

 

They had both needed this space from each other.

 

//

 

The day proceeds fine, for Yanjun.

 

He flew over early in the morning, before the sun was up.

 

Filming took place through the afternoon, the director praised him for his poses, saying he was professional despite his lack of experience, the shoot wrapped up smoothly.

 

_That meant he had another two and a half days to explore the city of Hong Kong._

 

His return flight was booked for two days later, just so he could spend the free time the group has with a change of environment.

 

 _It wasn’t intentional, but it came timely_ ; as a break from what has been bugging him all the while.

 

His plans for subsequent days included visits several bookstores, checking out their popular restaurants and taking beautiful photos at famous places of interest.

 

_Alone._

 

Like what he was used to. Before _he_ appeared in my life.

 

Hoping for a break from the complexity of life, his brain doesn’t give him any rest.

 

He still thinks of _him_.

 

Yet, he snaps out of the thought, in seconds.

 

_It’s my holiday, stop thinking of him._

 

_He must be eating well and sleeping well. There are so many of them there, nothing will happen._

For now, it is around 9pm. Planning to set off early tomorrow morning, he was back in his hotel room for an early rest, enjoying his shower.

 

He was thankful, today he could shower for 2 hours straight with no one slamming the door complaining that he was taking too long, wasting water, _or checking if he had fainted._

Barely two minutes after getting in, his phone started ringing.

 

He didn’t know.

 

//

 

“ _Oh my god_ , Ziyi come over, quick!” Linong was shouting at the top of his lungs, and Ziyi didn’t know what was so serious.

 

Linong screams in a high pitched voice quite often, so Ziyi doesn’t see an immediate problem to anything he was pointing out.

 

Except for today. _He sounded urgent._

 

Still, he sauntered over to see what the commotion was about, eyes still looking at his phone, watching fans’ comments on his newest post scroll by.

 

Passing by Zhangjing’s room, he understands why.

 

“Ziyi _oh my god_ why are you still standing there, get me a pail!” he screams, hair wet from perspiration, holding on to a Zhangjing, who was slouching over his shoulder.

 

Ziyi runs to the kitchen to find something suitable and heads back immediately.

 

There was no time to ask what was happening. It just happened before his eyes.

 

Crouching next to Zhangjing, whose face as white as sheet, he holds up the pail and watches him vomit into it.

 

His heart _clenching in pain_ as he held onto Zhangjing’s warm hands, alert eyes checking if he needs any help.

 

“Are you okay?” Linong whispers, Zhangjing giving him a light nod which he felt on his shoulder. Linong spoke in a soft voice which Ziyi could not really hear, but he sees Zhangjing giving him some nods, and then Linong placing him gently down onto his bed.

 

Linong takes over the pail and places it on the bedside table while Zhangjing closes his eyes. The pained expression of his face, the obvious crease on his forehead, the colour of his complexion, _Ziyi hates it._

 

Zhangjing was sick, and it was painful to know.

 

“ _What happened to him?_ ” Ziyi asks in a hushed voice.

 

Watching Linong placing a hand over his forehead, the sudden tweak of his eyes, and a sigh, “ _oh boy_ , he’s running a fever too.”

 

Ziyi goes to the washroom immediately and returns with a wet towel in hand.

 

Clumsy with dripping water, Linong shows a slight irk at the dripping wet towel, and decides to drain the excess water into the used basin, and place it on his forehead.

 

After which, both guys just stared at Zhangjing, who looked like he was sleeping rather uncomfortably.

 

Silence creeped among them for a while, and breaking the silence were the occasional groaning from Zhangjing, from pain. _It hit Ziyi all the same._

 

“He skipped lunch today, probably because he woke up late. Dinner was skipped too, he said he had no appetite,” Linong says, as a matter of fact.

 

“His black coffee?” Ziyi responds, this was the first thing that came to his mind. _Zhangjing’s diet._

 

“He drank it once I think. In the afternoon.”

 

Ziyi’s heart feels like it was crumbling down. He remembers, how Zhangjing was so concerned with his weight, suggesting useless measures like this that will do him more harm than good.

 

Zhangjing’s weight is fine. _He doesn’t need to lose weight._ At least, not using such a method.

 

“ _Fuck_ , I would scold him for dieting if he wasn’t laying right here looking like he was going to die.”

 

“ _From what I see, it’s not just about that_ ,” they hear a voice from the doorway, and turn around to see Justin walking towards them.

 

The youngest guy bends over to check out the basin, “it’s not food poisoning, he vomited mostly saliva. His fever let me see,” Justin places a hand over his arm, and then under the wet towel, “rather hot. Plus he doesn’t look good. I think he needs round the clock care.”

 

Ziyi volunteers to take care of him overnight, “yeah, it’s okay guys, I’ll call you guys if anything crops up. Justin _yes_ you can borrow that jacket you mentioned earlier.”

 

That leaves Ziyi and Zhangjing alone in the room.

 

//

 

Justin’s words leave no lasting impression on him, except for requesting round the clock care for Zhangjing, which he was currently doing.

 

He ensures that he stays awake in case Zhangjjng needs anything. A sudden vomit, a change of wet towel, _anything_. Even if he needed company, Ziyi would give him.

 

_But Ziyi was not able to give him this._

Every groan that flew out of Zhangjing’s mouth made Ziyi worry, he would suddenly jolt up, check on him, his fever, and then calm down after Zhangjing looked slightly better.

 

But this was different.

 

“ _Yanjun...Yanjun..._ ,” he heard, mumbling not sounding much different from the previous groans, but Ziyi could make out his name clearly without a doubt.

 

He feels Zhangjing hands roaming about, searching for something to grasp, something hit him and in the spur of the moment he grabs hold of his hand tightly, even though he knows that it wasn’t his name being called. And the instant ease of his expression, eyes still closed but things seemed to be better.

 

 _He wishes he could enjoy his moment_ , the warmth of his hands in mine, _but things weren’t that simple._

 

Even if he chose not to care about the promise they had made, if he had chosen to just indulge in this feeling of blissful ignorance, it was like a lump in his chest.

 

_He wasn’t happy._

This was not what Zhangjing had wanted.

 

He remembers Justin’s words, and it grows onto him.

 

_It’s not just about that._

 

It was not dieting that made him feel pain.

 

It was Yanjun.

 

_Losing Yanjun._

 

//

 

Yanjun gets fascinated by the array of toiletries the hotel came with, thankful that the soap they provided actually smelled good enough that he already knows that one bottle is definitely not sufficient for use in the subsequent days, slipping into a pair of comfortable bedroom slippers that he plans to bring back on the last day.

 

Hair still dripping wet with a towel draped over, he ruffles his hair dry, smiles into the mirror, showing his _goddamn_ dimples.

 

_So handsome._

 

But his smile falls the next second, because he was tired.

 

_Tired of smiling for every schedule? Or tired of the recent spate of events?_

 

He wants to just collapse on the bed and have a good night’s rest.

 

Heading out of the washroom and casually grasping his phone from the bedside table, he was appalled to see _twelve_ missed calls from someone he would least expect.

 

Given that they were at loggerheads with each other, his feelings was puzzling him.

 

He would have blown his top if he had only called once. He was a key contributor to this mess, to Yanjun’s bad temper lately.

 

But he called for so many times. Throughout the hour.

 

_Fear was creeping up his shoulders instead._

 

Part of him wanted to call him back immediately, part of him made him _hesitate_ , telling himself to calm down first before returning the call.

 

With hands still shaky, eyes shifting uncomfortably, his left hand grabbed onto the table in search for something that could hold him still, the other hand pressing the return call.

 

The guy picks up almost immediately, Yanjun _quivers_ as he asks, “why are you calling me?”

 

Not in a cold way like what he would have sounded, because the words fall out more _anxious_ than he could control.

 

He hears a loud sigh over the phone, “Zhangjing _he’s_...”

 

He stands up straight upon the mere mention of _his_ name, unaware that he is pressing the phone closer to his ear, eyes forgetting to blink as he waited in silence.

 

It wasn’t silence that interrupted Ziyi’s words.

 

Through this silence, the grainy phone voice transmission, he could hear the faint call of his name.

 

Yanjun _, Yanjun_.

 

It was Zhangjing.

 

He opens his mouth ready to respond, everything that he hears and felt came crashing down on him as he felt a surge of worry, breaths hasty and unable to calm down. But Ziyi was quicker and spoke earlier, in a hushed voice.

 

“Zhangjing is quite sick. He’s resting now _but_ ,” Ziyi pauses, and continues, “ _I thought you needed to know this.”_

 

Yanjun is at a loss. He doesn’t know what to do yet his mind feels clear, _he knows exactly what he needs to do._

 

He starts scampering around the hotel room, his eyes unable to fix on anywhere, _his mind only filled with, and only thinking about that one person._

 

Zhangjing.

 

His eyes land on his luggage, barely a few pieces of clothing unpacked, the door, the general brown colour that it was painted with, the table, that stack of pamphlets of the different places of interest in Hong Kong, he doesn’t need to be told how to respond.

 

It takes him a while to realise, that he hasn’t replied Ziyi yet.

 

“ _Thanks_ ,” he mumbled, hearing a soft acknowledgement from Ziyi before putting down the phone.

 

The next thing he does is to dial his manager’s number, “Hi, BaoBao Ying, sorry to disturb you so late at night. Can you help me to check if there are any available flights tonight to Beijing? _The earlier the better_.”

 

//

 

Yanjun kisses Zhangjing. _He kisses back._

 

While swinging those swings at the park they knew.

 

The nearest lamppost not lit.

 

Zhangjing’s face in the dark while Yanjun’s face is shining brightly under the reflection.

 

_The sweetest dimples._

 

The warmest hug while the cool breeze brought them closer.

 

_And they kiss again._

 

What a beautiful night.

 

How I wish I could get that back.

 

Yanjun doing everything wrong.

 

Yanjun forced to become something I don’t even recognise.

 

_Yanjun’s last words._

 

你喜欢的人是我，不是吗？(Translation: I’m the one you like...isn’t it?)

 

 _He_ doubted it. Doubted our relationship. _Doubted me._

 

The last fling of his arm away, the very thought that wakes Zhangjing up from his deep sleep.

 

He opens his eyes to the darkness, he feels his cheeks wet, eyes not doing any better.

 

He cried.

 

He lets the tears dry on its own. It served as the memory of this horrible nightmare.

 

He hears soft breathing sounds beside him.

 

By any chance? _He wished._

 

Turning to his left, seeing Ziyi by his side, head placed over his knuckles. Asleep.

 

_No chances left._

 

Turning away from the guy, curling himself into a ball, _he felt small_ , physically and psychologically.

 

His head was painful, but his heart was hurting more.

 

He lets himself cry to sleep.

 

//

 

Through his sleep, Yanjun’s voice came seeping into his mind.

 

He couldn’t really form the words, unlike the dream he had earlier.

 

 _His voice_ , that was still his voice regardless.

 

But he seemed to be talking to someone else, not me.

 

 _Or was he talking to me?_ I heard my name somewhere.

 

It felt like a weird feeling rush back to him, bringing him back to reality.

 

By first instinct, he moved his right arm ready to block off the morning sun, that seemed too tough for him to handle.

 

He feels a warmth on his other wrist. _Just for that split second_. And it disappeared.

 

He hears movement.

 

_Perhaps?_

 

He became hopeful. Hoping for the best. Hoping for _him_.

 

He hears the shifting of legs, too obvious to him. _Only someone shifts his legs like this._

 

His eyes flew open in response to the noise, grabbing hold of whatever he could reach.

 

_His pants._

 

The guy stays rooted to the spot. _Not turning back, not walking away._

 

His head still hurts like hell, but he knows those tears that are falling are not because of that pain.

 

Words do not form in his mouth like he needs to.

 

He knows he will end up babbling, _impulsive words will not bring him back._

 

He sniffles that dripping mucus, shaking away the tears that seem to hold him back, and tries to form the words.

 

He feels the pull of the cloth. He tightens his grip on it, even bending forward to grab the guy’s arm using his other hand.

 

_Yanjun wanted to leave._

 

He couldn’t let him leave.

 

When he feels a tug on his body, he decides to let himself fall to the floor with him, rather than letting him go. _At least, it doesn’t make him regret._

 

He holds onto him for dear life.

 

_Because Yanjun was his life._

 

One struggling to escape, one struggling to stay on.

 

_Both trying to survive._

 

“Lin Yanjun, don’t leave me alone. _Don’t throw me away_.”

 

He said, choking back on tears that keeps falling.

 

His grip as tight as ever.

 

“Lin Yanjun, I love you. _So,_ so much.”

 

Only then did Yanjun turn around, even though it was just a half turn, Zhangjing could see it clearly.

 

His eyes were as wet as his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this! The ending is reaching really soon!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the long wait, here's the second last chapter! 
> 
> If not for the motivation from the special 'homework' the guys did, I would have finished this chapter even later. ChengCheng, Justin, Zhengting, Yanjun and XiaoGui could post the rap video even with a busy schedule, of course I had to keep up with my work too ;) Hopefully Zhangjing, Xukun, NongNong and Ziyi can post one soon...

“Baby, say _ah~_ ,” Yanjun mentions teasingly, holding up a spoon of watercress soup and pushing it towards Zhangjing’s lips.

 

He keeps his mouth closed, shaking his head.

 

Zhangjing loves food, he would claim that he could eat everything in the world, yet the mere scent of this vegetable soup encourages him to take a run for his life.

 

If not for the eight pairs of eyes staring at him, he would be playing catching with his caregiver around the dining table like a three year old.

 

“Fine,” he laments, opening his mouth a little, only to realise that it was too small for Yanjun to fit the spoon in.

 

A small pout from Yanjun works wonders and he opens his mouth wider, swallows the disgusting taste of the soup and _remember that expression on his face when he ate that wasabi sandwich?_ That was a splitting image of how he looked like.

 

Several members burst into laughter, the loudest coming from ChengCheng, who was the culprit of the wasabi sandwich previously.

 

Yanjun was holding back the giggling, but Zhengting became loud as always and even Yanjun had difficulty staying calm, breaking out into huge laughter.

 

“What the fuck is so funny? And why the hell did you buy this soup?” Zhangjing snorted, slamming his small palms against the dining table, then pushing the bowl of soup towards Yanjun, “I’m done with my meal. I’ll go and rest now, _bye_.”

 

He stomps off in anger, closing the door behind him in an angry fit.

 

“It’s quite nice though, thanks Yanjun- _ge_ for getting this for us,” Justin says merrily, drinking the soup directly from the bowl, obviously enjoying the food.

 

The rest of them were also taking in the food in huge gulps, laughing and chatting loudly, only Ziyi was watching Yanjun carefully, looking at the _closed_ door from time to time.

 

It was obvious that he was worried about Zhangjing, but he had no say, _no rights_ to be the one chasing after him.

 

Yanjun on the other hand was oblivious to that fact, he should chase after Zhangjing, he should realise that someone else cared for his boyfriend more than him. Yet he seemed to be more engrossed with small talk and the vegetable soup he was drinking.

 

Ziyi wants him to do something but chooses not to say anything.

 

//

 

Yanjun had been like that for the past few days.

 

Zhangjing plopped onto his bed, facing the empty ceiling as he heard the loud and cheery laughter seeping in from outside.

 

The loudest was the _most obvious_ , the one he had recognised immediately.

 

“I can’t believe you said that to a fan HAHAHAHAHAHA.”

 

_Wow, he sure was loud._

 

Following murmurs, he heard his loud voice again.

 

“No matter what, it is because he loves you.”

 

Somehow, this line that had no relation to him, seemed to strike him hard.

 

_No matter what, it is because he loves you._

 

Then why, _why_ has he been like this the past few days?

 

He was hoping for a proper closure of the whole issue, a proper restart to their relationship, loose ends already solved. Where they know what they were doing, who they were, how they loved.

 

_But no._

 

_He was still confused._

 

He still didn’t know what was happening, what had happened.

 

Nothing was resolved.

 

Life just went on.

 

That was not what he had wanted.

 

_You don’t avoid problems to solve them._

 

While he was thankful that Yanjun went back to his side, throwing away his previous abusive and intimidating gestures, that was not enough.

 

_He wasn’t sure if Yanjun knew that he loved him only._

_He didn’t know if Yanjun saw things as he did._

 

//

 

It took him that long to return.

 

Zhangjing had realised, from the time he had opened the door to tell him he was going to shower, till the time he returned with a mess of wet hair and fresh pyjamas.

 

By then, Zhangjing had showered, marked out his calendar, checked Weibo, and scrolled through the internet for rather long.

 

Still, that two-hour shower was met with no complaints.

 

“Baby, will you invite me to sleep with you today?” Yanjun asks, standing by the bedside table as he watched Zhangjing looking up from his phone.

 

He nodded.

 

Yanjun replied with a smile, genuine that the dimples show without his consent, he squeezed onto the bed with Zhangjing, who readily put his phone aside.

 

Settling nicely beside Zhangjing, Yanjun was ready to hug him when Zhangjing interrupted this blissful moment, “aren’t you going to turn off the lights?”

 

He used a sharp tone, the kind that You Zhangjing uses when he is pissed with someone but he isn’t actually pissed.

 

Yanjun knows it best, it was just that protective shell that Zhangjing carried to seem strong, but yet, he was such a soft little _baby_.

 

“Oh yeah,” he gets out of bed to draw the curtains and turn off the lights.

 

In the darkness, he uses his sense of touch and superb sense of direction to guide him to the bed.

 

Placing his head on the soft pillow and shifting his legs to a comfortable position, he swings an arm over to the warm body beside him.

 

Warm with love, with heat, _he loved_.

 

He smiles in the darkness, silent like the reaction he got from hugging Zhangjing.

 

Never mind, he was used to the Zhangjing with no huge reaction to his actions, and he was perfectly okay with it.

 

_Precisely because their relationship was not okay at all._

 

Things that they used to do previously, he doesn’t dare to do any of it.

 

Just the basic hugs, teasing, the _‘baby’_ he was used to calling.

 

He didn’t dare to go further.

 

He knew he had to, and the time was not right _yet_.

 

Convincing himself in the shower earlier, this still took him so much courage.

 

“ _Zhangjing_ ,” he said. A tone more serious than any of the light-hearted words he had said to him these few days.

 

He knew that it was a surprise to Zhangjing too, the fact that he heard his name as compared to the usual ‘baby’ he had called him.

 

“Mhm?”  A reply that came after much hesitation, he could not blame Zhangjing for it.

 

He had paused for that few moments because he was unsure, just like how Yanjun was unsure if he could do this.

 

He almost starts off with a filler word, but managed to find courage to pull off his words without causing a blunder.

 

_“Can we go to the movies tomorrow?”_

 

Zhangjing was surprised at the sudden question, but was clever enough not to show it.

 

Perhaps, it came off as the huge pause in his reply, as Yanjun could not stop blood from rushing to his ears, the loud banging of his heartbeat, he was nervous to hear his answer, _yet he was not sure what was he afraid of._

 

“Let’s go,” Zhangjjng’s reply was shorter, clearer than Yanjun would have expected. He could not stop the excitement building up in his body, as the fear of uncertainty crept in.

 

_So what are you going to tell him tomorrow? I’m sure he knows the date would be more than watching a movie._

 

Yanjun doesn’t know how to reply to that, but he knows he will definitely be braver tomorrow. _For himself, and for Zhangjjng._

 

“Okay,” he replies simply.

 

While his mind is filled with a hundred and one possibilities of what could occur tomorrow, he will only allow one to happen.

 

//

 

"Baby, what do you want to watch?" Yanjun asked, stroking Zhangjing’s hair as they walked past the movie posters of all the recent movies.

 

Zhangjjng hits his hand away and received a dimpled giggle in response.

 

"What's nice these days?" Zhangjjng asked, facing Yanjun and then scowled, “you asked to come to the movies but you haven’t decided on one?”

 

Yanjun was weird like this. Zhangjing knew, and that made him annoyed.

 

Not actually angry, but the _tingling_ weird sensation of what feels right.

 

Zhangjing was still caught up with thoughts that he couldn’t make out clearly, until he heard a loud, “ _let’s watch this_ ,” a forceful tug on his arm, pulling him towards the ticketing machine.

 

He wants to know which movie had caught the eyes of the little kid before him, the kid he knew talked to trees, who got excited over the strangest things even though he was already twenty three.

 

He didn’t know a huge smile was painted on his face upon seeing the excited boy pressing onto some buttons on the screen, _that deep valley on his cheeks_ , occasional glances towards him that shot his heart sweetly a few times.

 

Somehow, he had forgotten that period of confusion, anger and _dull romance_ he had with him. It seemed like he saw Yanjun the same way as he did when they first got together. _Excited, adorable._

 

The feeling was just amazing.

 

"Ah, the _special theatre_ ," he said, Zhangjjng snapping back to reality upon hearing the sudden voice.

 

"What is the special theatre?" He asked.

 

Forget about what movie they were watching, all his eyes remembered seeing was that almost pitch-black movie poster plastered on the screen, some curly words and a creature he thought he saw.

 

"It's a theatre for special people like you," Yanjun’s reply was almost immediate, as if he knew Zhangjing would ask him such a question.

 

The flirtatious nature of Yanjun was always there, it only disappeared for that few moments when they grew apart. Upon knowing that the Yanjun he loved had returned, Zhangjing unintentionally heaved a huge sigh of relief.

 

“That’s really loud,” Yanjun mentioned with a laugh, proceeding to insert his credit card to make payment.

 

"You obviously did not answer my question," Zhangjing back to his favourite hitting Yanjun move, this time attacking his back a few times until Yanjun screamed in pain.

 

"You'll find out later anyway," Yanjun replied, grabbing the tickets and dragging Zhangjing to the snack counter to get some food.

 

Yanjun knew that with Zhangjing, food will not go wrong.

 

"Sweet and salty? In a 3:1 ratio?" Yanjun elbowed Zhangjing, pointing to the two huge glass displays of popcorn. Zhangjing loved popcorn, and it always had to be 75% sweet ones and 25% salty ones.

 

 Zhangjing had told him before that he preferred sweet over the salty ones, adding that he needed some salty ones to balance out the flavour, so that the sweet ones will taste even better.

 

 _A foodie lover who knew his food well_ , Yanjun thought.

 

Yet his answer was what Yanjun had not expected.

 

"None," Zhangjing replied, shaking his head.

 

Immediately, Yanjun came to his own conclusion.

 

_That diet again._

 

Yanjun rolled his eyes.

 

“Seriously You Zhangjing, stop your stupid diet. If you think drinking black coffee and forgoing your favourite food will help you, I’m telling you-,” Yanjun poured out his thoughts like water falling from a cliff, but Zhangjing’s fingers adorably pinched his lips to stop him from thinking he knows everything.

 

Now, Yanjun’s image was ruined. Zhangjing started cackling because Yanjun looked like a duck with his lips pressed together, with a confused look on his face.

 

“Ugly duckling, _HAHAHAHAH_ ,” Zhangjing couldn’t help but add this line. He knew that it would hurt Yanjun’s pride, but that’s his punishment for scolding him without context.

 

"It’s _not_ the diet,” Zhangjing said, seeing Yanjun’s eyes watching him in amusement.

 

Maybe it was that few seconds of electrifying gaze, to and fro between them, that caused Zhangjing to pause, fingers still pressing Yanjun’s lips together.

 

_All too much for him to handle._

 

So he removed his hand and looked away.

 

  _“I want to share food with you, pick what you like. I don't want to eat popcorn alone,"_ he spoke faster than a bullet train, thinking that Yanjun would not be able to hear him and would ask him to repeat what he had said again.

 

Yet, Yanjun had heard everything and started to smile. Subtly, of course.

 

“ _Hmm_ You Zhangjing, I heard something about nachos with cheese?” Yanjun teased, catching Zhangjing off guard because it meant that Yanjun had heard him.

 

When it’s Yanjun, it’s nachos with cheese.

 

“ _Whatever_ ,” Zhangjing replied, turning Yanjun to face the counter staff who was ready to take their orders.

 

"One medium box of 75% sweet and 25% salty popcorn, and one nachos with cheese," Yanjun told the staff, “I can’t believe they got you just working here serving food. _You’re so pretty, I think a modelling job suits you better_.”

 

The female staff blushed shyly before she headed off to prepare the food.

 

Looking back, Yanjun sees Zhangjing with his arms folded, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“ _Excuse me?!_ ” Zhangjing exclaimed, only to see Yanjun giggling wildly, for some reason he cannot comprehend.

 

He almost wants to shout back another line, yet Yanjun beat him to it.

 

“ _Pretty lady_ , can you give us more cheese?” Facing the staff, she nodded and proceeded to squeeze that bit more.

 

_Oh, that was why._

Zhangjing understood, thus his complaint got stuck in his throat.

 

He gave Zhangjing a shrug, asking him for the drink of his choice.

 

_Zhangjing was still slow to respond._

 

"Your eyes tell me that you want Mountain Dew," Yanjun decided, going on to order Mountain Dew as well as iced lemon tea without Zhangjing’s consent. Still, Zhangjing smiled after hearing the orders.

 

"The iced lemon tea is mine," Zhangjing exclaimed, his face lighting up immediately, but Yanjun shook his head.

 

"No, the Mountain Dew is yours," Yanjun replied with a smirk, teasing Zhangjing.

 

Zhangjing shot back an adorable annoyed look, almost giving him another slap but Yanjun caught his hand in time.

 

"Yanjun, you know I don't like fizzy drinks," he said.

 

"You'll like it sooner or later after tasting it in my mouth all the time," Yanjun stated, a cheeky look on his face, scanning the area for other people before stealing a peck on his lips.

 

_Somehow, it really felt like time had rewind._

 

The soft thumping of the heartbeat against his chest, even butterflies in his stomach that he couldn’t recognise after so long, they came back.

 

//

 

The special theatre was indeed, _special_.

 

Unlike the theatres that he usually went, with rows and rows of chairs, this theatre only had nine pairs of chairs. It was spacious, luxurious and grand.

 

As they walked down the aisle, Zhangjing saw that every couple seat was private, with partitions.

 

"Here," Yanjun announced, stopping next to one of those sets of chairs, at the right side of the theatre. Zhangjing took his seat first, followed by Yanjun.

 

"How do you like the special theatre?" Yanjun asked, placing a drink beside himself and the other at Zhangjing’s side.

 

Zhangjing ran his fingers along the sofa-like seats, and nodded. "The texture of the seats are good. Soft and _fluffy_ ," Zhangjing said, smiling at Yanjun excitedly.

 

"Like you," Yanjun’s reply was ever so teasing, receiving a loud “ _hmph_ ” response before Zhangjing held up his drink.

 

Yanjun took a quick sip of his drink, before shooting Zhangjing a smile, “the Mountain Dew here’s good. Tell me how your lemon tea tastes like.

 

He was giggling softly, but in the dark, Zhangjing was oblivious to Yanjun’s reaction, and took a sip of his own drink.

 

He grimaced almost immediately.

 

"Lin Yanjun, this is Mountain Dew!" he exclaimed, holding out his drink to Yanjun.

 

" _I know_ ," Yanjun chuckled loudly. At least he didn’t have to control his laughter now.

 

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Zhangjing huffed, annoyed at Yanjun’s actions. Yanjun can be very childish at times, so this was not a rare incidence.

 

"Because I know you were going to be like that," Yanjun replied, " _as cute as ever_."

 

He was ready to receive another slap from Zhangjing, but Zhangjing’s hands were full, one holding the drink and one holding the popcorn.

 

He held out the drink in front of his face, expecting him to switch drinks.

 

"I'm not giving you the iced lemon tea, I'm putting it there so I can hug you whenever I reach for the drink. Same for you," Yanjun replied, pushing Zhangjing’s drink away.

 

“Who wants to hug you?” Zhangjing complained, putting his drink down. _Yanjun and his stupid ideas._

 

They stood in silence for a while, Yanjun watching the other movie goers taking their seats, Zhangjing staring at him. Or rather, at his side.

 

It took him a while before Yanjun gave Zhangjing the attention he seeked.

 

“What?” Yanjun asked, as if he knew nothing, taking a sip of the iced lemon tea he was holding.

 

“Quit playing with my feelings, just pass me the drink,” Zhangjing caught hold of the iced lemon tea, feeling soft lips touching his before he could complain further.

 

Somehow, the lips all too familiar and all too good, was something he could not reject.

 

He saw the screen flash, signaling the start of the movie, but that didn’t stop them.

 

The open-mouthed kisses he was used to, he was receiving all of it. Giving back everything he could in return.

 

Hands still holding the dripping wet cup of iced lemon tea, fingers feeling the warmth at the other side of the drink.

 

That tingling sensation warming up his heart.

 

The sweet taste of whatever was remaining of the iced lemon tea that Yanjun drank.

 

What was sweeter was how he was enjoying it, _how they were enjoying it._

He wished time could stop at that moment of bliss, just Yanjun and him, no matter how it was, without the complexity of life, the mess of their relationship long forgotten.

 

It took the first scream of the audience to remind them that they were supposed to be watching a movie.

 

He realised that it was a horror movie that Yanjun had picked, and Zhangjing had loved horror movies.

 

He could feel Yanjun’s fingers on his chin, he knows, it was as if asking him to continue, but he moved his head away first.

 

“Later,” he whispered, shifting his body to face the front and started to watch the movie.

 

In the darkness, he could feel a pair of eyes watching him, but gave him no attention.

 

//

 

Zhangjing was taking the movie well.

 

Screaming at appropriate moments and not all the time, like what Yanjun had expected him to do.

 

However, Yanjun seemed to be very busy with other things. One moment, he was covering his eyes, the next moment, he was interrupting Zhangjing by tugging firmly onto his shoulder. Then again, he was eating his nachos and not long after, he was looking at Zhangjing. Barely 10% of the time, his eyes were fixed on the screen.

 

“ _You’re scared?_ ” Zhangjing chuckled, seeing Yanjun watching the movie through peepholes between his fingers.

 

" _I'm not scared_ ," Yanjun replied, sitting straight up. He wrapped his arms around Zhangjing such that Zhangjing was fully surrounded by Yanjun’s embrace.

 

"I'm here to protect you baby. I can't be scared," Yanjun said. "And you can hug me if you're scared too."

 

That only made Zhangjing laugh from how ridiculous he sounds, but he nods.

 

"Whatever you say," Zhangjing replied, placing his hands around Yanjun’s arms.

 

Some creepy music played in the background and the creature suddenly flashed on the screen. This jump scare caused Yanjun to look away from the screen, shutting his eyes tightly.

 

Seeing Yanjun’s expression, Zhangjing hugged Yanjun tightly.

 

"You look rather cute when you're afraid," Zhangjing said, giggling at his boyfriend's adorable actions.

 

" _You’re crazy_ ," Yanjun argued.

 

He would never accept anyone calling him cute.

 

 _Handsome_. Handsome was the only word he would accept.

 

Zhangjing shook his head.

 

"We’ll see," Zhangjing replied, continuing with the movie.

 

Yanjun decided that watching the movie would be hell for him, hence, he whipped out his handphone and played games to pass time.

 

It took a long while until Yanjun finally got interrupted.

 

"Ahh!" Zhangjing’s high-pitched scream had caught his attention.

 

Only a main vocalist like him could pull out such a high note for so long, even Yanjun admired his stamina.

 

Although this was at the wrong occasion.

 

 Zhangjing wrapped his arms around Yanjun tightly, hiding behind him while watching the movie. Spontaneously, Yanjun put away his phone to give Zhangjing his attention.

 

"And you said you won't be scared," Yanjun joked, his hands reaching out to caress Zhangjing’s cheeks.

 

"At least better than you," Zhangjjng replied, continuing with the movie.

 

However, Yanjun got really bored after a while. He knew he had to be there for Zhangjing so he shouldn't use his phone, but yet, his boyfriend was not giving him any attention at all.

 

Somehow, he managed to think of this genius idea to get the attention of his boyfriend.

 

"Lin Yanjun, I'm trying to watch the movie!" Zhangjing said, as feeling Yanjun’s lips pressed against his collarbone, inching slowly along that visible line.

 

Yanjun removed his lips, and replied, "No."

 

This time round, he bit the top of Zhangjing’s ear as he traced along the shape of the ear, causing it to glisten due to the layer of saliva left on it by him. Zhangjing felt this ticklish sensation coursing through his body.

 

_Not now._

 

While it was distracting, Zhangjing had an unspoken inner desire for Yanjun to continue.

 

It felt great, he would admit, _it did arouse him._

 

The lack of contact between them recently, made his desire surge like no other.

 

However, Zhangjing shook away those thoughts and decided that the movie was more important now.

 

"Lin Yanjun," Zhangjing said firmly, "not now."

 

"That creature can get your attention, but I can't get your attention," Yanjun lamented, this time aiming for Zhangjing’s neck as he found a good spot for a love bite.

 

"I just want to watch the movie," Zhangjing sighed as he squirmed in his seat, lightly pushing Yanjun away. However, Yanjun was not a person who would back away easily.

 

"I will make you want me more," he replied.

 

That stupid lovebite was becoming more and more distracting for Zhangjing as his focus on the screen was overwhelmed by the the sensation of Yanjun’s lips tracing his neck, the warm breaths that tickled him, and the sound of Yanjun’s desperate voice ringing in his ears.

 

To make things worse, Yanjun’s hand reached for Zhangjing’s chest, and it glided down to his stomach, and then down further. Yanjun slid his hand into Zhangjing’s underwear, Zhangjing felt like he could crumble under the cool touch of Yanjun’s smooth fingers as Yanjun massaged his member till an erection formed soon after.

 

By then, Zhangjing’s concentration was only fixed on Yanjun as he closed his eyes to enjoy the stimulation better, without the visual distraction of the movie. Amidst the random and excruciating screams from the rest of the audience, Yanjun could only hear the consistent, rhythmic moans of his boyfriend next to his ear, in a pace which matched the pattern of his touch.

 

" _So_ , do you want more?" Yanjun asked, in the most sensual voice which Zhangjing had ever heard in a while.

 

"How?" Zhangjing asked, in the midst of catching his breath, desperate for what Yanjun had to offer.

 

At the most inappropriate time ever, he knew things were heading in _that_ direction.

 

But he was not complaining.

 

" _Can we abandon the movie_?" Yanjun asked, as he continued touching Zhangjing, moans growing louder that Zhangjing had to cover his mouth to muffle the sounds that he was making.

 

" _Please_ ,” Zhangjing replied. There were no other thoughts running through his mind, except for them to continue what they were doing.

 

"Follow me," Yanjun said, standing up. Zhangjing got up as well and Yanjun held Zhangjing by the wrist and walked briskly out of the theatre.

 

//

 

They took twists and turns around the mall where the theatre was held, and finally reached a secluded male washroom at the other end of the mall.

 

"People don't usually come here. So my friends used to smoke and do other stupid stuff here. This was like our best hangout spot before movies," Yanjun said as he pushed open the last cubicle, relieved to see that it looked relatively clean.

 

Those friends he was talking about, Zhangjing doesn’t know who they are. _But it doesn’t matter, all he could think of now is when he can press his body onto Yanjun’s._

 

Perhaps a bit too desperate for something he hadn’t wished for a while. He knew could feel his face burning, heart skipping multiple beats, breaths going too fast, it seemed like he couldn’t catch up with the moment.

 

Even Yanjun’s voice was ringing in his ears, somewhat too loud, _too much direction._

 

"Go on in, it's the most spacious one since it's at the corner," Yanjun gestured, and Zhangjing entered, with Yanjun following him in.

 

Slamming the door shut behind him, Yanjun pushed Zhangjing roughly against the cubicle, with Yanjun’s figure pressing onto Zhangjing’s body from behind.

 

Zhangjing hears a faint click on the door and sucks in a heavy breath.

 

He was not nervous. He was excited.

 

On the verge of losing his senses. The only area of body contact between them; or rather, the only point of body contact that was important to him now, was that erection pressing against his butt.

 

Skillfully humping him from behind despite still being fully clothed, Zhangjing holds onto anything he could, nails scratching the smooth partitions seem like it was not going to hold onto his weight any longer, thankful when Yanjun cupped his palms over Zhangjing’s wandering hands.

 

Yet in the next moment, he flipped Zhangjing around so he was now facing him.

 

"Since we don't have lube right now, we need something natural," Yanjun said, Zhangjing almost collapsing onto the floor in front of him, due to the burning sensation rising up his chest from the mere action of Yanjun’s hand cupping the growing tent in his jeans.

 

" _Yours or mine_?" Yanjun asked, lifting an eyebrow and holding up a smirk.

 

Zhangjing was slow to understand his words. His mind in a whirl, all he wished was for Yanjun to keep going.

 

_He did._

 

Feeling the unclasp of the button of his pants and pull of his zipper, he still doesn’t know what Yanjun meant.

 

But it doesn’t matter.

 

“Yours then,” Yanjun replied, the other hand busy palming his own erection, forcing a loud groan from his lips.

 

Yanjun’s hands were having too much to do. One on himself, one on Zhangjing, groaning about the stupid tight-ass pants they had chosen to wear when they walked out of the apartment that day.

 

Yet he undressed them both at light speed and was proud of himself.

 

On the other hand Zhangjing didn’t know where to put his hands. Keeping his hands to himself to pleasure himself, putting his hands on Yanjun to edge him on, or grabbing onto the useless wall to hold himself up?

 

He chose the second option, fingers combing through the soft locks of hair for the guy who kneeled before him, eyes looking up seductively that made him forget how to breathe.

 

The next moment, all he knew was how to shut his eyes, hands and fingers grabbing anything and everything he could find.

 

Never mind about how tightly he had tugged on Yanjun’s hair, Yanjun didn’t bother to react to the stretch on his scalp.

 

A mix of wet and hot circling around his dick, licking stripes up and down his shaft, feelings crashing on him all too quickly that he was afraid he was going to cum soon.

 

It was obvious from the sound of his voice, the erratic but all so familiar pacing and tone.

 

_All he wished was to keep receiving._

 

In one abstract thought at the back of his mind, he hoped no one would step in on them.

 

But _fuck it_ , he doesn’t care, the moment he feels cold pressure sticking up his ass.

 

_Oh boy, what the hell was Yanjun trying to do now?_

 

He feels his dick hitting the back of _his_ throat, too enticing and too obvious that all he wanted was to keep going.

 

The muffled moans of pain and pleasure filling his ears, the fingering game getting more intense as he bends lower to allow the rough, bony digits find him at the right spot.

 

 _There_ , that exact spot that made him see stars.

 

A three octave scream that alerted his ears that _his_ fingers were doing right.

 

An issue of a warning.

 

“Lin Yanjun, _fuck you_ , I’m gonna a-a-.”

 

A cool gust of air rushes in when he released, not to a teasing tongue and wet cheeks. but to ready hands and an intense gaze.

 

_Dripping warm cum into his palm, he gets up and smears it onto his dick._

 

All done too quickly for Zhangjing to recover, before he gets another question, “are you okay to continue?”

 

He nods tiredly, physically drained but mentally not ready to stop anytime soon.

 

Yanjun was ready to flip him over, Zhangjing would have to say goodbye to watching his charismatic gaze and perspiring forehead, but Zhangjing had barely stopped him.

 

Swinging his arms over Yanjun’s shoulder and plopping down onto the closed toilet seat beside him, Yanjun losing his balance and collapsing on top.

 

“Can we- can we do it here instead?” Zhangjing was still panting heavily when he asked, Yanjun watching _him_ with ready eyes.

 

He doesn’t answer but stays quietly watching _him_.

 

The _him_ with half-lidded eyes and a protruding Adam’s apple. The _him_ with a chest rising and falling with a speed of light, painted a bright shade of pink.

 

Zhangjing almost complains from the lack of response before feeling a hard push into him.

 

He digs his nails onto Yanjun’s skin unintentionally, immediately looking up to see that Yanjun had remain unbothered by his reaction.

 

Instead, it seemed to be growing with fire, with passion, his actions, and his eyes, seeking more attention than the pain that was building up inside him.

 

That gaze never faltered even when the pain had somewhat transformed into pleasure blooming within him, prodding on that numb spot that seemed to make his mind go blank, his body moving wildly to the point he doesn’t recognise himself anymore.

 

With all that, the moans from himself and the beautiful voice from the guy before him, mixed with a formula that produced the best music in the world, throws himself into a land of serenity, a world where only they know.

 

He can’t make out the words that Yanjun was going to say, perhaps similar to his “ _I’m close_ ”, whether or not he had actually voiced out these two words, he doesn’t remember anymore.

 

Yanjun pulls out quickly, hands moving faster than a race car on himself and Zhangjing till he released spurts of pleasure, thankful that Zhangjing had followed soon after.

 

With that one bit of energy left, Zhangjing was amazed by how Yanjun had managed to get up from the floor when all he could do was to lean down on the toilet seat.

 

What amazed him more, was Yanjun’s first line.

 

Not some after sex clean-up, not some passing statement, but something that he would not even expect himself to say right after this.

 

_“Baby, we seriously need to talk.”_

 

//

 

A familiar sight, the cool breeze, the lit lamppost, and _him_.

 

Zhangjing lightly raises his heels and swings himself forward while the guy sits beside him quietly, stagnant beside the noisy swing.

 

“Zhangjing,” a call of his name and he immediately stops in his tracks. Hands gripping the metal chains tightly, feet completely flat on the ground.

 

He can’t describe the bittersweet feeling upon the sudden call of his name, _it sounds foreign_ , because Yanjun barely calls him by his real name.

 

But the voice holds a bunch of sweetness like honey, caressing his heart tightly, _there is a sense of want and need_ ; yet his reaction holds more caution than anything.

 

His eyes dart over to Yanjun’s, watching his strong gaze engulfing him whole. There is something less overpowering than what he had expected, more towards the mellow expression he was showing, something like the soft breeze holding up the soft locks of his hair.

 

“Is this... _what direction are we going_?” Somehow the words bounce off his tongue more jumbled up than he had intended them to. His feelings and his words...he couldn’t find a best way to describe what he wanted to say.

 

Seeing the confused look on Yanjun’s face, Zhangjing knew he was not speaking coherently.

 

Sitting up straight, he mumbled a few more words, “What I meant was...how do I prepare myself for what you’re going to say?”

 

This time, he could feel his heartbeat louder than his words, ringing by his ear too much, that he couldn’t even look straight up at the guy.

 

Because of the feelings overflowing from his chest, it feels difficult to breathe, he has to take deep breaths to deal with it. He knows his thoughts and feelings are jumbled up now, hence all he wished for was _the direction_ ; a direction where he had wanted to head to, and that Yanjun would lead the way for him.

 

“You won’t get hurt. Not anymore,” Yanjun was determined to bring this across. Perhaps, Zhangjing’s question had come at the best time.

 

The only thing he had needed to say after all this while. _The only thing Zhangjing had wished for all this while._

 

His words bring immediate comfort to the guy, lifting his head up, hopeful, that this would end up what he wished for.

 

He doesn’t say a word as Yanjun’s eyes, Yanjun’s words, _Yanjun’s actions_ offer him that sincerity that he had needed.

 

Yanjun’s warm fingers caressing Zhangjing’s small wrist, holding him lightly, endearingly. Yanjun spoke softly, “I’m sorry for hurting you all this while.”

 

Zhangjing’s eyes never left his as his words played into his ear like a melody full of ups and downs.

 

“I blamed you for selfishly wanting all the love I could give, I scolded you for moving on and accepting someone else’s love. But after all that, I realised, _it was because I didn’t understand you._ I knew you were hurt by my actions, yet I still continued to do so because I thought that would be the only way I can have you. _I really didn’t want to lose you._ But after all this while I realised, this wasn’t what you want. I didn’t understand you at all. I didn’t know what it meant when you needed a break from our relationship. I just selfishly hoped for the best in the way that was most damaging to you. I’m just, _urgh, I just feel like shit now_.”

 

Yanjun looked away for just that one second, Zhangjing watching his returning gaze almost immediately.

 

That pause, meant more than just that few seconds of silence between them. Zhangjing fully digested his words, understood all of them. He wanted to apologise, or do anything to make up for the lost time. He wanted Yanjun bad, really badly. He knew, he was also in the wrong.

 

Zhangjing was all ready to express his thoughts, pressing his fingers together into a fist, taking a deep breath, but Yanjun was a step quicker.

 

Just from his expression, Zhangjing knew that Yanjun had to speak first. Judging by how his eyes were glistening under the reflection of light, Zhangjing knew that he wasn’t the only one being terribly overwhelmed by their feelings.

 

_Not his feelings, not my feelings, but our feelings._

 

“Zhangjing, even though I’ve said it umpteen times, but this time round, today it’s different. After thinking so much, after knowing so much, after-.”

 

Zhangjing placed a reassuring palm over Yanjun’s cheek, his right thumb wiping off that stray tear that fell onto his face, yet with his confident smile, he couldn’t stop his own tears from wetting his facial features; from the cute rosy cheeks, to the little button nose, even his plump lips, ended up stained wet from the waterfall gushing out of eyes. He let them be.

 

“After everything we have been through,” he chokes on the tears, the salty taste lingering on his tongue while he feels so much better about things getting better, “after being such an asshole, after pushing you away when it didn’t even feel good to me, when everything started with me;”

 

He wants to call the tears stupid, but he was more dumb than anything, but he could only blame himself, “I knew you loved me so much. I could feel it so strongly, yet I was the one being unsure, being annoying, hurting you so much. I guess now it turns out that karma has hit me and I feel the same way now. When I chose not to clarify the whole misunderstanding with Ziyi, _when I chose to just to let you be_ , it’s your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, _why should I care right_ but then I realised-.”

 

His words get cut off as he swallowed the horrible feeling building up in his throat, the guilt, the pain, everything that he wished he hadn’t caused.

 

Yet Yanjun was being the kindest person he could find, gently holding his hand, as if here to deal with this painful process together with him.

 

“ _Realised what_?” Yanjun’s voice tumbled out with determination, he was expectant, even though he didn’t know what Zhangjing had planned to say next. To him, the answer was just as pleasant as it would have been.

 

Zhangjing didn’t reply, _because he couldn’t_.

 

The answer playing in his head umpteen times but every time he was ready to say it, a new batch of tears will stream down his cheeks and he has to start over again, the answer going nowhere at this rate.

 

His hands were busy rubbing off the tears gushing out from his eyes, he wished he wasn’t so emotionally involved in this entire problem, yet at the same time, he was relieved that he did.

 

_Because Yanjun was so important in his life, there was no way he was not affected emotionally._

 

As his vision gets blurred, he shuts his eyes to let the tears flow out.

 

_Everything that has been hurting him all this while, released, leaving his naked self before the one he loved the most._

 

But the most reassuring, most loving, _his need, his want, his everything_ was more than anything else he had needed in this world.

 

He senses a warm press of lips against his drenched ones, lightly nipping, caressing, hugging his vulnerable self, whose palms nowhere the size of the _Great Wall of China_ but large enough to provide him more than the universe as they held onto his cheeks.

 

Just that simple touches they share, _it was love_ , they knew, and that was what they wished for.

 

Kissing him back fervently because he could, the best and the only entitlement the world could offer him.

 

_It was Yanjun, this Yanjun he loved._

 

Passion like fire, stronger than what the water could put out.

 

After all this mess, the red string that held them together just got tighter. Perhaps this was the spirit that they were all aware of, they will no longer be torn apart by the circumstances that come their way.

 

_At least for now, both of them are confident of what they want to say._

 

Maybe it was telepathy that made them pull away together at the same time, at tortoise’s pace as they get comfort in the presence of each other, and each other’s presence.

 

Noses touching lightly like a new couple in love. It was a new beginning for them, and they were sure that it will not end.

 

_“I love you.”_

 

A smile creeps up both their faces, before their lips find their way back to each other’s, a familiar path but one decorated new experiences, the want and need growing stronger with every passing second.

 

It takes a forceful push for them to take a gulp of air before they end up suffocating.

 

But this time, Yanjun has a hand to hold Zhangjing’s eager lips away from him, just so that he could whisper these few words.

 

_“I love you.”_

 

He doesn’t smile until their lips meet again, and that was the brightest smile he remembered having in this recent month.

 

//

 

“Yanjun, is there anything on tomorrow?” Zhangjing skips a step as he clutches tightly onto Yanjun’s arm, fingers deeply interlocked with his.

 

“Is there something I should know of? I remember we have no schedule,” Yanjun mentions as if it means nothing much, steps light as they headed towards their apartment.

 

There was a moment of silence. Seeing a huge scowl on a giant pouting baby, he almost laughed but that would mean giving himself away.

 

“Why?” Yanjun looked confused as Zhangjing wriggled his fingers away, heading quickly towards the door of his apartment.

 

“Do you really not know what day is tomorrow?” Zhangjing turned towards him and questioned again. Yanjun shook his head.

 

“Fine. _It’s okay_ , I lead my life fine without Lin Yanjun. _I don’t need Lin Yanjun at all, goodbye!_ ” Zhangjing shouted as he shut the door behind him.

 

This left a Yanjun outside his apartment, almost dying from controlling his laughter.

 

“Baby!” He shouted, still in a giggling fit before adding a whisper, “it’s your birthday, of course I’ll remember.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! There's one final chapter to go~
> 
> Thank you for going this far with my Zhangjun fic, just know that Zhangjun's ship sails whether or not they appear in front of us ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course the final chapter should be uploaded on Yanjun's birthday, so here it is!
> 
> I personally really enjoyed writing this because it's Zhangjun HAHAHA hope you guys enjoy reading it too!

_September 19th._

 

The birth of an adorable doe eyed baby.

 

Small lips that brings out a cute lopsided smile.

 

_Fluffy_ curly hair.

 

An appetite of a small bird.

 

_Okay,_ maybe not.

 

_But that’s me._

 

And that’s why, You Zhangjing was up so early in the morning.

 

The scent of something delicious wafting into the room so early in the morning forcing his eyes open with a huge smile.

 

_That lopsided cheeky smile._

 

Even the morning sun striking his pupils would not stop his enthusiasm.

 

It was a special day after all, and Zhangjing of course had something to expect.

 

_Especially when Yanjun was not found sleeping beside him this morning._

 

//

 

Zhangjing scurried out of his room quietly, sneakily hiding behind the pillars with a wicked smile, not wanting anyone to see him.

 

He was feeling jumpy and full of energy, tapping his fingers lightly on the wall and toes on the floor, but making sure not to make any noise.

 

_All he had wanted to do was to check up on what Yanjun was doing._

 

But that one person turned out to be many.

 

The guys were gathered in a circle, serious expressions on their faces being a clear sign that something was not right.

 

Instead of a dimpled smile he loved, he saw the obvious knitted eyebrows to something on the table, which he hasn’t caught a glimpse of yet.

 

_What?_

 

Curiosity piqued, yet the solemn mood wiped away the wide grin on his face.

 

He tiptoed a little only to be blocked by Ziyi’s huge frame, Ziyi’s height no match for whatever he had tried.

 

He watches as Yanjun’s gaze sets to the floor, nervously looking at the table and then the kitchen counter, the Yuehua boys gathering around NongNong’s phone pointing here and there, the rest keeping quiet looking nervously at the guys on the phone.

 

_Seeing everything from behind the pillar, was like watching a secret mission._

 

Things weren’t that bad.

 

In fact, Zhangjing could not control his excitement upon listening in to the guys’ conversation.

 

“Yanjun-ge, how about this place?”

 

“This one looks good too!”

 

_“Just search for one that opens by 10am and sells durian cake.”_

 

Durian cake?

 

Zhangjing’s eyes lit up instantly to Yanjun’s words, the smile of his lips glowing brighter and brighter in anticipation as he watched the guys in a heated discussion on where to go.

 

Durian cake had brought back memories of his past, where he used to celebrate his birthday with his family back in Malaysia. Since the fruit is highly appreciated in his country, there was no doubt that Zhangjing would be a fan of it.

 

Coming to China, durian became more common in the form of desserts rather than the actual fruit, but Zhangjing loved _all_ of them.

 

Yet there was one thing he remembered; _Yanjun doesn’t eat durian._

 

He didn’t even dare to smell durian.

 

There was once he bought back durian puffs, Yanjun had locked himself in the room refusing to come out. When Zhangjing approached him afterwards, he fanned Zhangjing away only to receive a kiss in return. His face looked no different from when he had eaten a lemon.

 

“The only reason why I can even stand durian is because of you... _oh my_ , can’t you like another fruit instead? Even the hairy rambutan seems ten times better than a drop of durian juice.”

 

The huge scowl on his face that brought huge laughter to Zhangjing. _Maybe revisiting that moment would be good, especially since Yanjun was the one requesting for it now._

He doesn’t miss the incredulous expression Justin and ChengCheng shot upon the mere mention of durian, since Yanjun made it clear before that whoever who brought durian into the apartments shall buy ten air fresheners to compensate for the horrible smell. Now he’s the one breaking his own rule.

 

“Zhangjing loves them, what can I do? Maybe I’ll wear a peg as he makes a wish in front of the cake later,” Yanjun mentions casually, igniting a laugh from Zhengting who found his joke funny, and of course Zhangjing giggled quietly too from the corner.

 

Zhangjing laughs to everything that Yanjun says anyway, _what’s new?_

The longer Zhangjing stood at that spot, the more his legs doesn’t want to move.

_The image before him more beautiful than anything else._

 

Just the eight of them, putting in so much effort as a team to ensure that his birthday would be a happy one.

 

_And Yanjun._

 

No doubt this entire celebration idea must have been initiated by him, the durian cake was his idea.

 

If anything, he could feel that Yanjun had loved him a lot.

 

_He felt loved, and he was happy._

 

//

 

It took a while before the entire crowd had decided on a location and set off.

 

_All except Yanjun._

 

Without anyone blocking him, Zhangjing finally saw the cake that stood nicely on the centre of the table.

 

A sad _flattened_ cake.

 

Well, it may have not been the nicest looking one, Zhangjing could not deny how good it had smelt, he had wished for a bite.

 

He walked forward, wanting to hug Yanjun from behind and to surprise him with his presence, yet he sees Yanjun casually picking up the cake beside him and heading to the trash bin.

 

By instinct, he rushed over and grabbed his arm, head crashing onto Yanjun’s shoulder, the cake almost dropping if not for Yanjun’s firm grip.

 

Yanjun’s eyes were widened in shock from the sudden appearance of Zhangjing, lips separated wanting to say something, but before anything, Zhangjing beamed and the joy radiated towards him immediately, body melting into a whole mess in sweetness.

 

Looking at Zhangjing smiling so happily at him, he suddenly forgot about the cake, forgot that Zhangjing shouldn’t have seen the whole commotion _, suddenly the only thing he knew was how to smile back._

 

//

 

“Lin Yanjun, get ready to cover your nose!” XiaoGui shouted the moment the front door flung open, seven guys streaming in excitedly, XiaoGui with the package in hand.

 

Zhangjing raised his head from his position on Yanjun’s lap on the sofa, excitedly getting up and following Yanjun and the guys to the kitchen.

 

_Yanjun’s expression...was unreadable._

 

He looked like he was having a hard time, yet trying to suppress it from showing.

 

At some point, he started to curse behind his lips while Zhangjing watched him in amusement.

 

Still, Yanjun was able to smile, bringing up the whole atmosphere and earning a kiss from Zhangjing.

 

“ _Thank you, Yanjun._ You made a great choice,” he said with his bunny smile, genuinely thankful for everything he could have, _Yanjun being the majority of everything he had._

 

“How about you?” Yanjun asked, dimpled smile bringing out his handsome side as he watched the guys take out the cake, the scrunch on his nose being the immediate giveaway of how the smell had affected him.

 

The question that came too sudden, but the answer forming on his tongue faster than he could imagine.

 

_“I made a great choice to love you.”_

 

And he had meant it with all of his heart.

 

//

 

“ _Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Zhangjing, happy birthday to you~_ ,” all the guys sang loudly, Zhangjing grinning from ear to ear as he replied each and every smile of affection towards him with a sweet grin in return.

 

_This strength of brotherhood that holds them together is the key ingredient to this comfortable and joyful feeling from within,_ Zhangjing knows that he is loved by each and every one of them, hoping that this bond will continue forever.

 

Different from the feeling long understood as the son of the _You_ family, this is the third year he is celebrating his birthday away from home.

 

Nevertheless, he felt loved and appreciated, _he felt at home._

 

The friendship, brotherhood, family, and _of course_ , romantic love.

 

The song ends when _he_ sets _his_ eyes on Yanjun, dark gloomy air had long left him, instead showing bright energy that _he_ knew _he_ was partly responsible for.

 

Dimples caving deeper than Grand Canyon, which always seem to capture his heart whenever it shows up on his face.

 

_He_ knows too, that it mostly showed up when _he_ was in front of him.

 

So _he_ shot back a cute smile.

 

“Baby, make a wish and blow the candle,” Yanjun said, cupping his palm over _his_ fingers placed casually on the table, Zhangjing holding up his hands and clenching them into a fist, eyes shut tightly as he thought of what he had wanted the most right now.

 

_I wish that the people around me will stay with me till the end._

 

The wish was selfish, especially with the impending deadline, but that doesn’t stop him.

 

_Even if the group is not permanent, so what?_

 

Their friendship bond will carry on forever, even if it meant late night suppers or last minute hang outs. Zhangjing was ready to be part of all that.

 

He wished that all the guys harboured the same thought as him, to stay with him till the end.

 

But for one person, he had an even stronger wish.

 

_Love me, till the end._

 

I will too, love you with all my heart.

 

Just right at the moment when that thought had crossed his mind, he feels warmth surrounding his lips, _all too pleasant_ , but all too sudden.

 

His eyes flew open to Yanjun’s overwhelming gaze, barely inches away from his face. From the side of his vision, he sees a slight smirk at the side of his lips, _a reassuring arm hugging his waist_ , he doesn’t need to be told how he should respond.

 

He hooks his wrist behind _his_ neck, eyes closing just in time when Yanjun had leaned over again to kiss him.

 

It was not silence that filled the room but all he could hear was his racing heartbeat, mind constantly telling him that he was special, _he was loved_ , and that Yanjun was his only one.

 

He tasted like the strawberry mint toothpaste he had used that morning, but all he felt was the sweetness of this man before him; he tasted familiar, just like Lin Yanjun. _The Lin Yanjun he had loved so much._

 

The thought tugs his lips upwards into a smile, he guesses Yanjun could sense it too from how Yanjun smiled back at him too.

 

Background noise surrounding them was growing louder, in fact they had chosen not to care until he heard a line, “ _guys, you know there are underage kids here right_?”

 

To that, Zhangjing finally pushed Yanjun lips away from him slightly and asked, “you heard _them_ right?”

 

“ _Right_ ,” was Yanjun’s reply, both of them giggling before turning to face the rest.

 

The comment made hadn’t removed the smile off the guys faces though, it was difficult to guess who had said it. Zhangjing had narrowed it down to either ChengCheng or Justin.

 

He took a glance to the side, making eye contact with Ziyi, who was beaming at him too.

 

A week ago, Zhangjing felt like he was regretting his decisions. He felt confused and afraid.

 

Now, he is just thankful.

 

_Thank you Ziyi, for being supportive of my decision._

 

He hoped his eyes had conveyed his message, holding eye contact with Ziyi long enough that there was sufficient time for Yanjun to take out present _from nowhere_ , holding the relatively huge box in front of him.

 

“Baby, your present,” Yanjun mentioned, Zhangjing taking over the present and planting a kiss on Yanjun’s cheek, “thank you.”

 

The sudden presence of the box was intriguing, especially when it came from Yanjun. He was too caught up with excitement that he hadn’t realised that Yanjun was trying to suppress his laughter right beside him.

 

The box was not that heavy, yet when he shook it, it sounded _hard_.

 

He had ruled out the possibility of a teddy bear by now, but he still couldn’t make out what it was.

 

“Can I open it now?” Zhangjing asked, throwing a glance at Yanjun who suddenly looked... _afraid_.

 

From how his hands are waving furiously in front of him to signal a ‘no’, eyes almost pleading him to listen to his request.

 

Zhangjing was confused what had made Yanjun have such a huge reaction towards what was inside, that thought making him even more curious. _With a slight bit of anger._

 

“Don’t tell me you’re getting some jack-in-the box or that sort of scare thing. I’m not scared,” Zhangjing mentioned confidently, already tearing the wrapping paper in all directions.

 

Inside, it was just another box, purple with metallic golden at the edges, but Zhangjing still could not guess what was inside.

 

He reached for the edge of the lid, only for Yanjun’s hands to grab his wrist tightly, shaking his head wildly.

 

“You’re sure about opening it now?” Yanjun asked, Zhangjing snapping back immediately, “what’s so _nice_ in this box that I can’t open it now?”

 

Yanjun suddenly transformed back into his usual nonchalant self, taking away his hand and gesturing that he could, “well, go ahead, _if you really want_.”

 

Yanjun was laughing so much on the inside.

 

The truth was, Yanjun had wanted him to open the box in front of everyone. His act before just made the guys more excited, and Zhangjing more tempted to do so.

 

Pulling off the lid, Zhangjing’s eyes widened incredulously at the sight before him, immediately turning to the side to hit a Yanjun who was already laughing wildly.

 

Slapping his shoulder a million times while he chased him around the dining table, around the guys who were making a whole lot of noise, imagine it having seven Zhangjings talking and laughing at the same time, watching them, _yeah_ , it felt like that.

 

_Zhangjing wished he could find a hole to bury his head._

 

The red already creeping up his cheeks, burning it hot the more the box appeared in his line of vision.

 

He was sure that everyone had already caught a glimpse of the contents, _maybe even several times._

 

Yanjun was still not done with his laughing.

 

“I told you not to open it now right?” Yanjun laughed, getting the toughest slap he had that day on his shoulder.

 

“Whoa baby, I guess you like violence huh?” Yanjun teased, raising his eyebrows seductively that made Zhangjing retaliate by stomping on the floor.

 

Wow great. _Great._

 

_Best birthday present ever._

 

“How would I know that you would gift me sex toys? Where did you even find them?” Zhangjing was exasperated, he wouldn’t admit that he had _kind of_ liked the gift, but it came at the absolutely wrong time.

 

“I bought them.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

 

“So you prefer if I told you that it was sex toys in front of everyone here?” _What the hell was strong enough to wipe off that smug expression on his face? Zhangjing needed such an agent._

“That’s not what I meant, Lin Yanjun _fuck you_.”

 

“Wow, wow, baby.” Yanjun cackled to the statement, Zhangjing shooting him a look of disbelief.

 

“ _Ge_ , you guys should stop. Do this without us here,” Justin mentioned while pointing to NongNong and himself, but he couldn’t stifle a laugh that escaped his lips right after.

 

Zhangjing was still fuming, his expression was cuter than ever that was tempting Yanjun to kiss him again. _But not now._

 

“Baby, _actually,_ I still have another present,” Yanjun announced, pulling out a small box from his side pocket, Zhangjjng turning in the opposite direction, arms still folded.

 

“I’m not buying your _shit_ anymore,” Zhangjing replied, not budging even when Yanjun tapped on his shoulder, encouraging him to open the gift.

 

“ _Then buy my love_ ,” Yanjun replied as he opened the box with a smile. All the ‘wows’ and commotion going on at the back pouring in the moment he revealed a bracelet, carved with both their names.

 

_Of course, Zhangjing was too busy feeling angry to see it._

 

“Baby I’ll help you put it on,” Yanjun said, holding out Zhangjing’s wrist who surprisingly didn’t resist to the action, clasping the hook nicely and holding it towards Zhangjing, “done.”

 

He finally saw it.

 

It was a beautiful bracelet with an intricate design, their names nicely carved on it. Reflecting the light shining through the windows, _bright and sunny_ like how his heart was slowly warming up to his sweet actions.

 

“Fine, this is... _quite pretty_ ,” Zhangjing answered, still not smiling but not rejecting Yanjun either, “okay fine I love it.”

 

He finally admitted, the smile coming back to his face.

 

“You know what’s better?” Yanjun asked, to which Zhangjing suddenly got nervous about the kind of tactics Yanjun will pull again, like just now.

 

Instead, he heaved a sigh of relief and smiled till his eyes formed crescents.

 

“It’s a couple bracelet, and _I will love you forever, I promise,_ ” Yanjun said as he held up his wrist.

 

Somehow, Zhangjing hadn’t been observant to this bracelet he had been wearing since morning, the sudden realisation was like a slap to his face, yet it warmed up his heart.

 

The overwhelming affection being the only thing he could feel.

_The world with just the two of us was all I could see._

 

Zhangjing tiptoed to kiss him deeper than any ocean in the world.

 

//

 

_The way the metal reflects the ceiling light, it sparkles with glory and beauty, just like you._

 

Zhangjing has been admiring his bracelet draped over his right wrist for ages, watching how the light falls and bounces off nicely, it just feels right.

 

Eyes shifting from the bracelet to _him_ and back to the bracelet and back to _him_ again, a smile creeping up both their faces.

 

Zhangjing because he still could not get over this wonderful gift that his sweet little boyfriend had gotten for him.

 

Yanjun because Zhangjing was his little sunshine and was smiling so happily.

 

The frequent eye contact one in a flirty way and one in a humorous way, speaking about a joke or theory that only they both understand, _bursting into light giggles together_.

 

In the comfort of Yanjun’s room where both were rather unfamiliar with, because none of them had spent much time there anyway. Zhangjing leaning comfortably against a pillow, hair in a cute mess, huge eyes looking at Yanjun who was lying down beside him with playful fingers placed on the mattress between them.

 

Yanjun had waited long for Zhangjing to be finally done with admiring the bracelet, from how he had put his wrist aside.

 

Zhangjing was smiling to himself as he slowly sank in this blissful moment, staying close to his boyfriend, heart bursting with love to receive and give.

 

Not to mention the memorable celebration and food, his second favourite after Yanjun.

 

_What an amazing birthday._

 

His gaze had landed on the garish violet box placed neatly on the table, _he watched it for a moment or two before shifting his eyes away_ , trying to stop the nervousness flowing through him. The excitement almost showing through the straight face he was trying to maintain, his breathing was heavy enough to give himself away.

 

He feels his cheeks flushing hot and he feels guilty so he bites his lips in an attempt to hide.

 

To which he feels fingers lightly grazing the tip of his lips, _he stops biting them_ , turning his attention to the person asking for it.

 

There was just something in Yanjun eyes that conveys the feelings they share; the smiles had fallen from their faces, eyes widened in anticipation, body as hot as fire.

 

Warm fingers that burned his skin with a firm grasp of his neck, he closes his eyes to the shadow blocking his line of vision and pressed his lips onto the incoming pieces waiting to fill him up.

 

Yanjun tasted like joy, _love_ and happiness.

 

That was what Zhangjing felt for those few seconds, where he lightly nipped on his reddened lips and grazed his tongue.

 

And next few seconds, _it was to teach Zhangjing how to breathe._

 

As if shoving a tongue in and sucking his mouth dry was not enough, he did it so quickly that Zhangjing had to take huge gulps of air to stay alive.

 

Struggling in enjoyment, air rushing too quickly into his lungs, all the sensations hitting him at once as he calls out Yanjun’s name with every exhale of his breath.

 

Yanjun’s fingers just felt too good on him, when he wished for more, _he got more_. Just fingers rubbing circles on his hip as he felt Yanjun’s lips on his neck, humming a familiar tune they used to sing together, vibrations he never knew felt so good which forced his mouth agape to let out the moans which begged to leave.

 

Perhaps everything was just too much to handle, Zhangjing felt like he was caught in the brink of death and swung around continuously, his head spinning so much from how addictive it was.

 

_Only screaming Yanjun’s name because he suddenly forgot all other vocabulary._

 

Clawing onto his body for some proper grip, listening to the noisy grunts from the latter that only made him desire even more.

 

Not even realising that Yanjun had already made his way to the top, leaning down on him and whispering those dirty thoughts into his ear that he didn’t know he had been harbouring.

 

The next thing he registers is Yanjun’s huge palm cupping his erection, he moves his hips yearning for friction pushing him to the edge. _He hadn’t realised he had gotten so hard since the beginning._

 

His free hand reaches for the tie draped around Yanjun’s neck and looses it with one swift pull, the cloth falling onto his thigh like a slither of a snake, the immediate jerk of his body to the unplanned stimulation.

 

Hearing his name in breathy groans, the only voice he recognises as he moans loudly to the sensations and sounds driving him crazy.

 

Yanjun’s crotch lays dangerously close to his as he felt the prickly touches against his chest where buttons are getting undone against his skin.

 

Pulling off the fabric and revealing his flushed chest, he has no time to worry about his less than satisfactory figure because he feels a rock hard pushing against his groin, rocking his hips for more friction as he groans in pleasure.

 

Through the peepholes of his lidded eyes, he watches Yanjun undress himself in a hurry.

 

Unzipping his pants was his first priority, before he rid of the shirt he was wearing.

 

Vision was blur but mind was clear headed, the tightness of his jeans was further amplified by the rhythmic stroking, voice growing louder and Yanjun got the message fast.

 

Zhangjing rejoiced the moment he felt the tight pants off, yet he cries at the pleasure when Yanjun fits a palm into his underwear and sticks a finger up where he needs it. _It’s raw and painful_ but way too good, he almost forgot about the lube.

 

At the same time, Yanjun’s other hand was palming himself through his briefs, pants still half draped over his thighs but he didn’t have time to wait longer.

 

_They both wanted it._

 

Amazing how they were able to maintain eye contact through all that, hands busy everywhere and Yanjun’s piercing gaze too strong to tear his eyes off.

 

There, he feels a sudden bolt of numbness striking him, he shivers in pleasure while a moan flies out of his mouth quickly.

 

A few more presses on his prostate and he feels like he is going insane, Yanjun could read his face and that’s why a smirk had tugged up at the side of his lips.

 

Zhangjing wants to find the opportunity to pick a fight with him again, not until the loss of contact where he needs it sends a word of vulgarity out of his mouth as Yanjun shifts to the bedside table.

 

He doesn’t need to ask to know what Yanjun was thinking.

 

It was exactly those thoughts that Zhangjing imagined just now, his heart was in his mouth when he saw Yanjun’s hand dipping into the box and searching through its contents.

 

There weren’t many things he had seen, it was just that Yanjun was slowly taking his time to choose what was for him.

 

“Baby, what do you want?” Yanjun finally asks, cocking his head to the side as he watched Zhangjing’s embarrassed eyes opening fire on the ground.

 

_He wants to say something, but words do not leave his mouth._

 

Yanjun furrows his eyebrows.

 

“Baby you don’t wanna choose?” Yanjun asks again from Zhangjing’s lack of response before he pours out the contents on the bed in front of him, getting Zhangjing’s attention, who was silently watching him in surprise.

 

“ _Choose_ ,” Yanjun points to the items, dark eyes watching in Zhangjing who took a deep breath and took a good look at everything presented in front of him.

 

The variety was good enough for Yanjun to open an adult entertainment shop just for him, choosing one becme even more difficult.

 

It was only when Zhangjing finally found the courage to pick the pink dildo which he could not tear his eyes from, did Yanjun sweep the toy off the bed in one swift motion.

 

“ _Hey, I was going to pick that_ ,” Zhangjing complained, already reaching an arm towards the floor before Yanjun grabbed his wrist and pinned him to the mattress.

 

“Baby you have my dick and you still choose the dildo?” Yanjun questions, still feeling smug about his actions and Zhangjing shoots him a guilty look.

 

_He hadn’t realised when he picked it, it was just the most eye catching of all since it was in pretty pink._

 

While Zhangjing was still slapping himself internally for his decision, he hadn’t realised that Yanjun had rid himself of all his clothing, and was already pulling down his underwear stained wet from pre-cum dripping off his erect member.

 

Yanjun holds onto Zhangjing’s wrist and presses _his_ palm against his cock, way too hard for way too long. He rubs it against his body and Yanjun lets out a moan in pleasure.

 

“ _This_ is what you want, _isn’t it?_ ” Yanjun’s voice is sarcastic.

 

Zhangjing was still slow to react, right until he feels a huge push into his anus and a weird but pleasant sensation building up inside him, that he finally realises what was going on. He finally abuses the control of his own hand.

 

Zhangjing’s fingers working too well on _his_ shaft, rhythmic stroking to the pressure built up in his body from the vibrating butt plug, _too good to stop but too little to send him high._

 

All while Yanjun’s lips licks his jaw, kisses his neck and whispers dirty jokes into his ear, everything too much for him to handle at once such that by now, he had only one request.

 

“ _I-I need you, Yanjun_ ,” Zhangjing whined, Yanjun was still as tempting, Zhangjing couldn’t think straight anymore.

 

He feels everything on his neck, his ass and what he wants _hard_ against his palm, he rubs it quicker than ever with a plead of a dying horse, “please Yanjun, I need you now. _Fuck me hard. Fuck me dry, I need to cum really badly._ ”

 

Eyes brimming with tears from how close yet how far he was, hoping Yanjun would stop with the foreplay and teach him how to scream his name.

 

Yanjun stops the kissing, pulling _his_ hand away from his body and pressing it down at the top of his head. Rubbing his crotch as close as possible and humping him as Zhangjing watches him helplessly, chanting his name like he was doing rap.

 

“Show me some enthusiasm first,” Yanjun teases, pressing his body close without motion, Zhangjing getting the signal immediately and starts moving his hips, _partly because he was too desperate for friction, partly because it was Yanjun’s request._

 

“That’s not good enough, baby boy,” Yanjun says, Zhangjing putting in all his energy to lift his body upwards in search for the body contact he needed.

 

He could see Yanjun’s gaze getting stronger by now, slowly wiping off the smirk on his face, he knows Yanjun cannot sustain this facade much longer.

 

“ _Yanjun...Yanjun..._ ,” his name appears in breathy moans. Zhangjing bites his lips hard till it bleeds, the small streak of blood falling from the side of his mouth that seemed to catch Yanjun’s attention.

 

His grip on Zhangjing’s wrists falls, and Zhangjing gets the opportunity to take over, climbing on top of Yanjun and kissing him like he was oxygen.

 

Yanjun kisses his back fervently, before he even realised that Zhangjing had removed the butt plug and had worked his way with the lube on himself and his dick.

 

He doesn’t get a signal before Zhangjing forces himself onto his cock, tight walls clenching from the lack of proper stretching _but it felt way too good_ , it was completely bearable despite the sharp pain.

 

Zhangjing thrusts a few times without achieving actual satisfaction, it was Yanjun who smiled first and kissed his forehead, “baby, it was so long since you wanted me so badly.”

 

At least Yanjun had some humane aspect remaining in him, he pushes Zhangjing to lie on his back before starting to push in quickly, Zhangjing finally getting the high he desired.

 

“ _Ahh...ahh..._ ,” breathy moans escape as he grips the sheets tightly to steady himself, Yanjun licking against his jawline and pushing in wildly, fingers too touchy while his arms were still trying to balance the rough movements.

 

Yanjun’s back at his staring game again. His strong presence was always felt, whether it was his lips on his skin or eyes watching him with _intense lust_ , Zhangjing would always suffocate in Yanjun’s world, too difficult to breathe while Yanjun clouds him like oxygen.

 

He hears his name faintly amidst the building pressure in his hips, eyes teary from what he can’t comprehend; _this moment of bliss, he had loved,_ and he loved that he was in his care.

 

Blurry vision and the loud call of Yanjun’s name; it was his voice that he could recognise instantly, too overwhelming especially with the immediate increase of speed right after, it was too much for him to handle, yet everything he wanted to receive.

 

With his mouth agape and legs spread apart even wider, the loud slapping of skin against skin and the ethereal human being Yanjun was right in front of him, he felt the world right in his arms and love right in his heart.

 

Zhangjing felt safe under his care, he felt loved, and he had loved him dearly. Throwing away all the hated memories of their previous separation, Zhangjing vowed never to let him go again. Otherwise, he will never be deserving of the love that Yanjun had showered him all this while, and more there was to come.

 

Perhaps at this very moment Yanjun’s mind was thinking of the same thing, as he watched him with dilated pupils and a little frown of his eyebrow. He will never hurt Zhangjing again, force him to the corner and face the music together. He only wanted to give his all, every part of his heart, making every effort to make this relationship work together. No one is to get upset for no reason, no one is to give up or back out. It seems like Zhangjing could read his mind, so he hoped telepathy between them will be that strong bond that will hold them together better than any glue could.

 

_Thoughts aside,_ Zhangjing suddenly grabs onto _his_ wrist and switched his gaze, somehow begging  for something that Yanjun could immediately read.

 

He nodded and sped up his pace, saying many encouraging words and sweet messages for him and for himself, aiming for the peak and pleasure they both desired.

 

No one noticed the deliberate clinking of their bracelets from the intense rocking of the bed, that one moment when orgasm hit them together and they came in a whole white mess on the sheets.

 

The sheets were blue, pretty and calm like their state of mind.

 

All because they were with the person they loved.

 

Hands held tightly together, his ear leaning nicely on his chest with an arm draped over his shoulder. He feels protected in his arms.

 

Listening to Yanjun’s excited heartbeat brings a smile to his face, watching his beautiful smile has a great domino effect.

 

He lightly presses his feet on top of Yanjun’s foot, tapping his toes lightly and giggling softly after.

 

“What was that?” Yanjun laughs in amusement.

 

Zhangjing turns his head upwards and says, “you’ll be angry if I step on your white shoes like that right?”

 

His cute voice could not be denied. _Of course, Yanjun had also meant what he had said._

 

“No,” Yanjun replied with a smile, pressing his lips onto Zhangjing’s forehead, “I’ll let you step on them as much as you want.”

 

Zhangjing shot him a surprised look, obviously happy that he could do what he had wanted since ages.

 

_“Because you need a stepping stool to kiss me.”_

 

Zhangjing turned around and hit his chest with a clenched fist.

 

Showing his displeasure while his heart fluttered for his words.

 

Yanjun cackled while Zhangjing was still...angry.

 

_Maybe not._

 

He watched as Yanjun continued to laugh at him, in his own world until he realised that Zhangjing was not finding the joke funny.

 

“Baby, you’re angry?” Yanjun asked.

 

“No, I just wanted to say that I prefer being a koala than using a stepping stool.”

 

To which, Zhangjing turned around and sat on Yanjun’s lap.

 

Arms that clung onto his neck and pulled him close for a kiss.

 

Yanjun tried to kiss back but Zhangjing pulled him away with a cheeky giggle as he dodged his protruded lips.

 

He looked like the dark clouds forming on top of his head had returned, seemingly displeased by his boyfriend’s actions.

 

Zhangjing pulled him back for another quickly kiss, this time, Yanjun held him back before he could pull away, lips and tongues painting beautiful pictures and memories they remembered, building the future they would stay together.

 

Both of them smiling into the kiss as they noses lightly touched, hands lightly caressing body like the were handling a prized treasure; falling onto the bed in pure bliss and love.

 

Deepening the kiss of the protector and the protected, both showering each other with all the love they could give.

 

It was long after before Yanjun pulled away with a serious expression.

 

Zhangjing looked at him with a puzzled look yet he was still smiling.

 

“What?” Zhangjing had asked.

 

Yanjun’s answer was more direct than ever.

 

_“Can I make love to you again?”_

 

Zhangjing smiled.

 

_“Of course, I’m yours to love.”_

 

Pulling a smiling Yanjun towards him for another kiss as he fell backwards from the clumsy actions.

 

Bracelets with their names engraved circling around their wrists, fingers interlocked.

 

What I miss?

 

_I missed you._

 

\- THE END -

 

 

**Bonus; Epilogue**

 

_What does the future hold for them?_

 

*Note: This is based on a Zhangjun fanfiction titled ‘二分之一’ on Lofter, I loved that piece of work so I wrote a short piece expressing Zhangjun’s feelings for each other, which I felt could fit into this story too. Do check out the original author’s story as well, she wrote it really well!

 

This piece is set in the future. I won’t be translating this portion to English as it will not accurately portray the feelings behind the emotions expressed. A very important point to note, please stop at the main story above if you don’t want to see a sad ending. :) 

 

The first part is Zhangjing’s monologue, the second part is Yanjun’s monologue.

 

想在你软弱的时候，守护你左右。想唱着给你的温柔，never let you go. 林彦俊， 你还记得吗？已经这么多年了，这首歌还依然停留在我的心里。或许，如果我没有这么害怕，顽固的你可能会改变我们的结局…都成家了，孩子，妻子都有了，可是依然希望你能留在我身边，林彦俊，你做到了。Till death do us part, 即使我们就像什么承诺都没有，但我们还是做到了。你不在的日子，就像没有灵魂的我，即使手里不是握这你的手，心里还是想着你。都过了怎么多年了，自己找到了幸福，你呢？

 

或许如果万一，若你坚持不要我走的话，我可能会听你的。自私的我，就是觉得，中国不允许就算了，不要再自私了。但我就是不知道，自己才是最自私的。心里默默地想着，你这么做就是为了这个原因，即使你不说我也知道自己猜对了。

 

是的，其实，这几年，就是想要多看你一眼，因为自私，也有一点点的渴望你一直留在我身边。做到了，心里却是酸酸的，又很感激，又觉得自己是错的，你决定不要追求自己的幸福，是我的错。对不起。

 

林彦俊，我想你。

 

回来吧。

 

//

 

不是你的错，我的幸福是我自己选的，你不要过意不去。自己其实什么都没有，却感受到了自己需要的爱。有你在我身边陪伴着我，那就足够了。

 

怎么说呢？好像什么都没有，却像拥有了全世界。一听到你叫我，我都心满意足了。是骂我还是在嘲笑我，唠叨都像耳边听到的音乐，听多了也不会腻。

 

谢谢你还留在我身边，我知道你一直都是我最好的朋友，最好的兄弟，心里却是默默的认定了，我也是你最好的爱人。不说出口，我也猜得到啦。

 

爱你。

 

永远爱你。

 

-完-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed reading this work of mine, 10 chapters woohoo hopefully the ups and downs of the story suited your interests! Hope that the uneven frequency of updates were'nt too bad, I recently started school hence I'll try to upload new pieces of fiction whenever I can find the time to.
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and sweet comments, always wish you guys leave more comments because I love to read them :) 
> 
> Lastly, don't forget to love Zhangjun! Zhangjun ship sails forever XD


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